Grand parents rejecting step children

[Tiredtiredtired100]

Is anyone else in the situation where their parents refuse to accept their step children to the extent that they only want their biological grandchildren to visit?

my mum has really upset me as I wanted to visit with my child and step children. But she has said no and that she only wants me to bring my son over to visit (and as I am currently pregnant expects me to bring only my biological children over in future).

For context they live 15 minutes away and I’m talking about a 1-2 hour visit. My parents live rurally in a lovely big house and lovely rural walks etc. in the 3 years I have been with my DP my parents have met my step children about 3 times. Only once at their house. We visited on another occasion to stay and look after their animals while they were away. So the kids have been there twice in 3 years. Yet they regularly ask when they can visit as it’s a lovely place, my DS visits a lot (he’s very close to his GP) and it’s only 10 minutes away from where their own GP live. My partners GP 100% welcome my DS and treat him as a grandchild, so they’re a total contrast.

I’m just dumbfounded really at my parents cruelty that they won’t let children (who have done nothing wrong, are a part of my family and who are genuinely lovely kids) visit for an hour or two a few times a year. I’m not asking her to treat them as her grandchildren, just to accept they’re part of my family. The kids are getting older and I’m sure they’re going to realise my family are rejecting them. None of my siblings have any interest in them either and I have accepted this as they live further away so barely see me or my son anyway, but how do I hide that my GP refuse to let them visit?

I’m really upset and just don’t know what to do as I obviously can’t prevent my son from having a relationship with his GP and they are my parents and I love them, but they’re making it clear that my family is not accepted by them and not wanted even for a few short visits a year (even though the grandkids of friends are allowed to visit more often than that). So, what do I do? Has anyone else navigated this sort of thing?

[Nopinnogin]

YANBU

[aSofaNearYou]

I haven't been in the situation because I haven't (and wouldn't) push for my parents to have a relationship with my DSC. I can see why it feels hurtful to you. But at the same time, I know you say they are good kids, but I'd be interested to see if behaviour factors into this because it is rarely enjoyable having a load of kids above toddler age come to visit unless you're close to them.

How often do you have your SC? Do they live with you, making it essential that you visit while they are there?

[drpet49]

I don’t know really. They’ve met the step children 3 times in 3 years. There’s no relationship there anyway.

[Viviennemary]

It's sad because the children have done nothing wrong. And another sibling on the way. But this theory that families can be split up and 'blended' into other families is basically flawed IMHO. Do you know the reason your Mum is behaving in this way. Was she fond of your ex partner. Does she like your new partner?

[NorthernSpirit]

This is really hard.

I’ve been with my OH over 9 years. My own mother (father is dead) has no interest whatsoever in my DSC. She’s never met them, asked about them, probably doesn’t even know their names.

I find it sad and hard. But have realised you can’t control other people’s behaviour and actions, or force a relationship.

If your parents don’t want a relationship you have to accept that. I wouldn’t though go out of my way to facilitate this dysfunctional relationship.

[SparkyBlue]

I'd be very upset about this if I were you. Unless there are very obvious behavioural issues it sounds very cold and unkind and it would absolutely affect my own relationship with them. Several relatives of mine have step children and they would always be included in family events

[Greenolivetrees]

Depends if this is the first time you have stepkids. My SIL is on her 5th relationship with stepkids in the last 11 years. We're not going to emotionally invest in stepkids anymore since after 2-3 years she'll break up the family again. Don't get me wrong: we'll ask how they are and be nice, like any stranger in our lives, but we're not putting ourselves in a position where we do family stuff different just because she's temporarily fucking a guy with kids again.

If you have a normal, stable relationship then your parents should accept the stepkids.

[Tiredtiredtired100]

To answer a few questions:

we have the step kids 50% of the time.

there are no behavioural issues. One DSC has SEN but is not difficult in social situations.

with regards to my ex-partner, he has never been involved in my DS life as he turned violent when I was pregnant and I left. My parents certainly don’t prefer him to my current partner.

I guess those of you saying there’s nothing I can do are right. But it still hurts.

[lunar1]

I think that's pretty vile of them to be honest, they have an independent relationship with your ds, it's not like you are asking them to compromise on that. It's really going to be difficult when you have a joint child.

[Tiredtiredtired100]

@Greenolivetrees i totally understand but this is not the case. This is the only SC I have ever had. My partner is to all purposes my DS dad (his own father is absent) and my family all go silent and end the conversation anytime I mention my step kids. They certainly don’t go so far as to ask after them, they completely blank them out.

[Buildingthefuture]

I’ve never been in your situation because I chose to have no DC of my own. However, my DM was and is always very welcoming of my DSC and also now of my DSGD. I view my DSC and DSGD as family in the same way I see my DM. I would be very hurt in your situation but I would also have it out with them….but that’s easier for me because I wouldn’t have to worry about affecting the relationship with the GC. Have you ever talked to them about it?

[CarolinaInTheMorning]

I can't imagine what this would be like, OP. I understand why it is so hurtful. My parents fully accepted my step-children into the family, and if it had been otherwise, I would have had a very difficult time continuing to spend time with my parents.

I think I would try to have a very frank discussion with them. As a previous poster mentioned, it's going to be even more problematical when you have a joint child with your partner as your parents will be rejecting their grandchild's siblings.

Have they every stated why they feel the way they do?

[BevMarsh]

It sounds like dsc's grandparents live close by. Do they know them/know of them and dislike the family?
Could they be worried about the future (wills etc and forming a relationship with them due to this?)

I think they are unreasonable- just wondering if the above could be possible reasons for their behaviour.

[Tiredtiredtired100]

@CarolinaInTheMorning you’re right than I need to tell them how I feel about it. To be honest I did today in my response, but it just doesn’t seem like they care.

@BevMarsh they don’t know my partner’s parents at all. Both sets of grandparents moved to the area to retire and don’t have any mutual friends.

[Summerpetal]

So you have been with him 3 years and have a baby with him ,plus your own son ?
im just wondering why your not married,as I would of thought that would be top of your priorities to give the children security.
maybe when your married ,and the children actually are your stepchildren,rather than your boyfriends children,your parents might be more inclusive
as it stands ,if they put effort in to a relationship with the step children and you and your boyfriend split up ,they would never see those children’ again.
so maybe it’s kinder all round as things are ,untill your actually married and can can tackle the situation as a proper family

[Nastyurtium]

You’re their daughter, you must have some idea? Are they usually very insular, generally can’t be bothered, don’t like noise or mess or children much?

[Mari9999]

Is it possible that if you are not married (my thoughts ore based upon your use of the word partner as opposed to husband) that they do not have family feelings for these children? They may be mindful of the fact that a split with your partner might easily and quickly remove these children from their lives.

Were these children introduced to them as grandparents or Mr and Mrs x? Were your parents asked how the wish to be introduced or what kind of relationship that they wished to have with the children? Do these children not have maternal grandparents that they do not share with the child that you are expecting?


You got to choose the relationship that you wanted to have with your step children, but you are unwilling or unhappy to extend that same courtesy to your parents.
I don't understand any adults choosing to be unkind to children for any reason. That is so unnecessary.
However, in this case , your parents are not choosing to be unkind; instead , they are choosing to be unrelated.

Is it not possible to take your children to visit their grandparents when your step children are with their
other parent? I doubt that your step kids are confused or offended when your child does not visit their maternal relatives. Children are capable of understanding and processing much more than adults sometimes give them credit for understanding. Your step children probably think that they have a perfectly lovely mother ,but they know that she is not invited to visit your son in your home nor is he visiting them in mom's home.

Children experience all of these convoluted arrangements that result from their parents ' varied relationships, and these subsets of quasi connections become their normal.

Having your children see their grandparents when the step children are not there will only become an issue if you make it an issue. If questioned, just remind them of the visiting arrangements with their maternal family members. They will understand.

[Tiredtiredtired100]

To answer a few more things.

I haven’t pushed my parents to have a relationship with my SC (hence only 3 times meeting them over 3 years - obviously I didn’t even meet the SC for the first 6 months and I certainly didn’t push for us to blend families quickly or even to use terms like step parents - the kids have come to that of their own choice).

The SC don’t think of them as grandparents or anything like that, nor am I expecting that. I just would have thought that allowing them to visit for a few hours in the Easter holidays wouldn’t be a big ask, but obviously I was wrong.

with regards to the baby/marriage. I am only in my first trimester. Marriage is on the cards but actually I don’t see how it would alter the step-gc situation as I wouldn’t have any legal right to see them if we divorced any more than I would now.

[Tiredtiredtired100]

@Mari9999 this is exactly what I have been doing. But the SC have been asking me when they can go and visit my parents (my DS obviously talks about it a lot) and at some point they will figure out they’re not allowed to, rather than it just being that I haven’t taken them.

[Fantina]

To be honest I kind of wish I’d been this disinterested in my own DSC. For years I went above and beyond only to have the relationship severed through no fault of my own. It isn’t particularly kind of them but your DSC matter to you and your partner, not to your parents.

[MrsSkylerWhite]

Summerpetal

so maybe it’s kinder all round as things are ,untill your actually married and can can tackle the situation as a proper family”

I am very in favour of marriage, married over 3 decades.

What a stupid comment.

[BungleandGeorge]

They are being unreasonable. You are now a family. Why would you ostracise your step children? Do they also refuse to see your partner because they’re not ‘blood’ related?

[OrangeKnot]

i can understand your pain here, but the step caper is so difficult. I couldn’t care at all if I never saw my husband’s children again. I’m not horrible to them, but they bring nothing to my life at all and if I didn’t have to see them then that would be ace. I have a secret admiration for those that set the boundary.

[Apocalypticdays]

Well I think that's pretty shitty of them and I'd be telling them so. They don't have to have a grandparent relationship with them or get close to them but to not even let them visit a few times a year when they live with you half the time and allow their friend's gc to visit is very odd and I'd be asking them what that's all about.

[Greenpin]

They sound extremely unkind . They don't need to treat the children like grandchildren ( although I know of many step grandparents who do) but just extend the normal courtesy of being pleasant and welcoming on a few occasions a year.
Do they come to your house when the children are there?
I would be thinking hard about whether I liked the people my parents obviously are.