In-laws arrange events knowing my eldest will be at her dad’s

[ThoroughlyDisgruntled]

Received a formal invitation to an event organised by BiL and his partner for me, husband and our two younger children with no mention of my eldest girl who is 10.
I rang SiL (whose number was down for RSVP, not because she is a woman) and asked about my eldest.
She said that she thought eldest would be with her dad, I agreed but said he would be more than willing to change the date.
SiL just blatantly said she couldn’t see point if my daughter already had plans.
She then intimated that MiL had said to choose this particular date but when asked to clarify she back tracked. I persisted and she said it was too late but if anyone dropped out she could come. This had to be practically dragged out of her.
I now realise on reflection that they have lots of informal events when my girl isn’t there.
So am I unreasonable to want my girl at events with her sisters, on my husband’s side even if she could be with her dad?

It’s not cool, but what can you do? “Force” in-laws to hold events on the days when you have custody?

Hard not to see the deliberate snub isn't it? Does mil usually bother with dd? Regardless of who's dna your dd carries being meam to a dc in your family is cuntish behaviour.

Can your DH have a word with MIL/BIL/SIL? Maybe better coming from him than you.

I agree that it sounds like they don’t see your oldest as family and arrange events for when she’s not there. Just because she’s considered family to your h, it doesn’t mean that MIL has to accept her as family. It’s a massive shame that your oldest can’t be included in big family gatherings but I guess that when she looks at the photos of the event, she’d rather pretend that she doesn’t have step grandchildren.

Yes it's a pain, not much you can do

If you were posting as the Stepmum everyone would tell you that you don't have to accommodate stepchildren and your parents don't have to see them as GC, or DNs. You get different responses as the mother. Your DD shouldn't miss out on parties and your DH should have addressed this. They don't have to see her as family, but she shouldn't miss out on every family event.

Of course she can do something. She could not go!

That’s not what the OP is saying if you read properly. For this event OP has told SIL that the eldest Dd could go and SIL has basically said no! OP is saying is very apparent they are purposefully leaving the DD out as she’s not blood related. Not that she’s asking for them to arrange events based her availability.
I think it’s truly disgusting behaviour, how can people be so cruel to children. I would be taking a big step back from the in-laws.

You are unreasonable to an extent. In the fact you want your child somewhere she’s clearly not wanted. That’s not fair on the child.

They are clearly and maybe failing though it was working till now making the events planned on weekends they know she is not there until this last invite you hadn’t realised she was unwanted there and they hadn’t had to basically admit it.

Sad sure but, again time and time again. Just because your dh sees her as family doesn’t mean his extended family have to see her as such as long as they are polite and kind when they do see her you cannot expect more. More maybe nice but it’s not a given.

It would be the last time I gave mil a second thought..... Someone who isn't nice to your dd isn't nice. You don't need that negativity in your life.. I hope you stay home.

Life doesn’t revolve around a child’s contact arrangements.

I do things with my stepchildren when my child is with their dad, I do things with my child when my step children are with their mum.

We do things altogether of course, but it is fine for life to not standstill in their absence too.

It’s not very nice to exclude the 10 year old little sibling of your nieces/nephews, but there’s not much you can do, it’s their home and their rules.

It can be difficult to look after 3 children versus 2, especially if the third child is a particular handful or their is a space problem in the home.

There could be many legitimate reasons why they’ve made this decision.

Still, how awful for your young daughter. Make sure she also gets extra special treatment from both her parents on those days.

It’s a bit of a minefield dealing with in-laws and you might have to exercise extreme patience and tolerance until the children are old in enough and this won’t be as big an issue.

I see both sides of this.

Of course you find it upsetting that your DD is excluded but you can't force your in-laws to treat her the same as their grandchildren.

I personally can't see the issue with your DD seeing her family while the other children see theirs.

I think you are being a but ridiculous. Of course it would be nice if they included her but ultimately they are not her family so they are not obliged to.

Do you expect her dad's family to include your younger 2 bevause they are siblings of your eldest? I'm betting not.

I am a step mum of many years and a mum so I can see both sides here but ultimately at 10 she is old enough for you explain that they have different families as well as people who are the same family and that sometime that means her siblings get invited to things and sometimes she will get to go to things that they can't.

What does your husband think, as I don't see that you've said?

How do they know your DD's schedule? Is it possible that he's the one informing them, and is complicit in this?

I don't think it's a big deal.

They are being discreet about it, to the point you haven't even noticed until now.

As long as they treat her well when you're all together.

Your DD is having time with her family, while your other dc are having time with theirs.

The reality is that you can’t force feelings. They don’t see her as family and you will play a dangerous game if you try to make them treat their sons step child the same as their biological grandchildren. You risk alienating your other children if you withhold them from their grandparents, a fallout with DH if you limit involvement with his family - especially if they are currently close.

They aren’t inviting her to things that happen on weekends that you don’t even have custody.
Your daughter clearly has an involved father so that means she has maternal family involvement and paternal family involvement - her life won’t be adversely affected by understanding that these are her siblings paternal relatives.

So long as she is treated kindly when present, it is far more detrimental to everyone involved to demand equal treatment when if you dropped dead tomorrow or divorced, they’d likely never see her again.

Life doesn’t revolve around a child’s contact arrangements

OP isn't asking anyone to change their plans to 'revolve around a child's contact arrangements.

Purposefully leaving a 10 year old out is so fucking petty.

My sister is part of a blended family with her husband having main custody and her going to her mum's every other weekend.

None of us would DREAM of leaving his child out on purpose. She gets the same amount of money spent on gifts off me as my niece and nephew.

We have welcomed her into the family because we love our sister.

It's fucking petty and cruel and I would not be attending any more in law family do's

Absolute cunts. What's your husband doing in all of this, because I would have zero respect for him. Weak ass.

I wouldn't go in this instance... they would get all of us or none of us and I would make it very clear why.

My view as well. All or none. If they were awkward about it, or DH did not stand up for his DSD, then I’d bow out of all arrangements. If they were left to DH, nothing would happen…

Mil sounds like a spiteful bitch. Imo. Be the one who doesn't pander to her op. I would make a point of making time for the sil who was honest with you. Don't let mil have you exiled because of her... Ask sil for a meet up with dc and take all 3 of yours....

It sounds a bit mean - this finding ways of deliberately leaving her out.
There probably isn't anything you can do though. They can always invite who they want to.

Is there any reason for this (other than them not seeing your eldest as 'family')?
Is there an age gap or behaviour problems?

They are foolish though.

Alienating you through your child is not likely to give them a good relationship with your remaining children - or such easy access.

You might well worry that if they are so able to hurt you and your eldest, they could easily do the same to other children if they take against them.

I just feel very naive, that I haven’t really noticed it before.

You really need to talk to your DH about this.

The default Mumsnet setting is to never speak to your ILs again, IRL you may have to reach some sort of compromise.

Does your ex invite your other children round to family occasions? They're missing out on contact with their elder siblings grandparents, or doesn't it work like that?