Husband didn’t get promotion and blames me

[2024Mu]

Found out yesterday he didn’t get promoted. I feel really upset for him as it’s been a 2.5 year process so not something that’s happened overnight. He has spent the entire time I have known him (15 years) into his work. He has sacrificed a lot. In all the years I have known him he has NEVER once taken a day off. He even joked had the kids not been born on weekends he would not have been able to attend their births (I know he’s half serious but I’ll never find out as I went into labour with both on a weekend). No matter what is going on he puts work first. I feel disappointed for him as I know how important his work is and I know he deserved the promotion.

He hasn’t said it outright but I know he blames me. He’s very quiet with me and has been giving me silent treatment. The thing is I’ve been really struggling mentally with the kids and other stuff and I didn’t know his big Final meeting was last week when I was really stressed out. I kept telling him my non-important problems. We had a fight as I feel he ignores me. My health hasn’t been very good either so I’ve been down about that. He did once say if he hadn’t married me his life would have been exactly where he needed it to be (career wise).

sorry Voting not clear:
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YOU ARE BEING UNREASONABLE - yes it’s your fault, why stress him out during an important time
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YOU ARE NOT BEING UNREASONABLE- no it’s not your fault he didn’t get promoted.

I'd give him a bit of space to be upset and grumpy for a bit but if he blames you I'd be furious. His family should be his priority and valued not seen as an obstacle on his ladder to the top. Sounds like you've all been playing second fiddle to his job and it hasn't worked for him because his boss doesn't value him like you do. He needs to sort his attitude and be present

If he didn’t get the promotion despite two years of work, that’s nothing to do with you. As if having a stressed out wife last week made the difference. He is disappointed and lashing out and blaming an easy target. Nope. Be sympathetic to his situation but not do not accept any blame.

It’s a really horrible atmosphere at home. The kids are tiny (primary school age). They don’t understand what’s happening. He’s ignoring them and youngest was trying to play with him. Eldest gave up. I slept in the kids room yesterday as he kept muttering and had a bit to drink.

This is nuts.

1. He never takes AL. What kind of a life is this to live for him, or for his family to live with?

1. There isn't anything in your post to suggest that this could be your fault. If anything, I'm sure you've supported his career by picking up everything else, as it sounds like he just does exactly what he wants to do.

So, what are you going to do OP?

Has he really never taken a day of annual leave? I find that very sad.

If I’m being truly honest I have been depressed for a number of years. I feel overwhelmed as I do everything on my own. I did take it out on him a fair bit.

When you say no time off do you mean he doesn’t take holidays ?

it’s not your fault he didn’t get the promotion . Tbh he sounds a bit of a dick . His life should be different because he does have a wife and children .

He might be upset about the promotion - as pp said he can feel that but in all honesty maybe a life lesson doing nothing but work doesn’t always mean you are going to be promoted

I reckon he's not got promoted because he's a workhorse and they'd rather keep him where he is.

He sounds unhinged. It's disappointing but if he is in gainful employment, you have a roof over your heads and food on the table then life is pretty good.

I would be really worried about what message his attitudes to success and achievement and spending time with family send to your kids.

Sorry to clear things up yes he does take annual leave but he still is on his laptop checking emails. During covid he was incredibly unwell but still dragged himself to his laptop. I meant when he’s Sick he never takes any time off work. He has barely gone to any school events. Maybe 2 for eldest and 1 for youngest. He was on phone checking messages whole time.

He hasn’t sacrificed a damn thing, he’s done exactly as he wants and you are the one missing out on a decent partner. So he doesn’t get his own way for once and it’s YOUR fault?

Oh OP- your problems are important! It's so not ok he treats you like this- and now the kids too. Silent treatment like this is emotional abuse. You're allowed to be angry and you should be angry

He sounds toxic and no wonder you are stressed, having to do absolutely everything as he won’t pull his weight at home. TBH, he’s probably not that great at his job as most people, if they put in such unwavering dedication for 15 years, would likely be the big boss by now!

Is it something like Big4 partnership? The timelines are similar to my DH when he was trying.

Was the plan that once he got the promotion he could be more present in your children's lives?

Sorry OP but your DH is a workaholic and like other posters, I’d be more concerned about this than the fact that he’s blaming you because he hasn’t been promoted. It sounds very much to me that the only thing he cares about is work and that you and the kids have always run a very poor second. That would’ve been a dealbreaker for me a long time ago. Any man that was quite clear that he would’ve prioritised his job over the births of his children would’ve been out of my life sharpish.

But this isn't a great attitude to work either. My work want me well and operating at my best, being actually present not just my presence. I've had a few days off sick and properly switch off when my family needs me, so does my boss who is absolutely incredible at her job. I've still been promoted and have an excellent reputation. It's not about hours clocked, it's about what you do with them.

He's not indespenseable, he's a number just like any other employee.time he woke up to that .

Are you in the UK? I thought employers were legally obligated to ensure they've had a minimum level of leave. Not taking a day off in 2.5 years is ridiculous.

Re the promotion, sound like he was going for Partner or similar. It’s quite unusual to get that type of role on first application. If this isn’t the case for him, he needs to interview at the level he wants with a competitor.
Re the events of last week. Like others say, it wouldn’t have made a difference to the result of his promotion, that was probably decided internally a while back. I do think it sounds like the two of you need to have a frank discussion about how life is at the moment and look for ways to make improvements.

The key issues as I see it -

Does he really want to devote this sort of energy to an employer that passed him over for promotion?
Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who prioritises his work to this extent? Because after years of this behaviour it’s quite unlikely he will change.

He should be more concerned about his failings as a husband and father rather than his promotion disappointment. Perhaps he'd do better seeing the kids every other weekend?

He hasn’t said it outright but I know he blames me

No, you don't.

YANBU

It is not your fault.

I didn’t know his big Final meeting was last week when I was really stressed out

That's because he didn't tell you, and/or he didn't remind you though, right?

He's got a family that he's been de-prioritising for 15 years. No wonder his wife has depression.

None of the highest level execs that I know of check out of family life.

What purpose is blaming you for his lack of promotion.
People who do not take breaks away from work nor time off are usually the ones who need to or should.
Perhaps he needs to vent and find a healthier way to direct his annoyance than at you... easier to make it your fault.
Your own problems are not invalid or any less small, of it matters to you it matters.
Perhaps he needs to book a family break and actually be grateful for what he has.