Husband didn’t get promotion and blames me

[2024Mu]

Found out yesterday he didn’t get promoted. I feel really upset for him as it’s been a 2.5 year process so not something that’s happened overnight. He has spent the entire time I have known him (15 years) into his work. He has sacrificed a lot. In all the years I have known him he has NEVER once taken a day off. He even joked had the kids not been born on weekends he would not have been able to attend their births (I know he’s half serious but I’ll never find out as I went into labour with both on a weekend). No matter what is going on he puts work first. I feel disappointed for him as I know how important his work is and I know he deserved the promotion.

He hasn’t said it outright but I know he blames me. He’s very quiet with me and has been giving me silent treatment. The thing is I’ve been really struggling mentally with the kids and other stuff and I didn’t know his big Final meeting was last week when I was really stressed out. I kept telling him my non-important problems. We had a fight as I feel he ignores me. My health hasn’t been very good either so I’ve been down about that. He did once say if he hadn’t married me his life would have been exactly where he needed it to be (career wise).

sorry Voting not clear:
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YOU ARE BEING UNREASONABLE - yes it’s your fault, why stress him out during an important time
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YOU ARE NOT BEING UNREASONABLE- no it’s not your fault he didn’t get promoted.

My friend works in finance and by contract has to take two consecutive weeks off per year for this reason.

He's allowed to feel sad. But it isn't fair to blame the OP or take his anger out on her (although no-one's perfect and of course we all fuck up with the ones we love.) It really, really isn't fair for him to blame his small children or take his feelings out on them (by ignoring them). I can vaguely remember back in the 90s recession when I was tiny my dad and mum being quite stressed. What had actually happened was my dad had lost his very well respected job and wound up working as a pot washer in a restaurant. It caused tension between my parents, as an adult I can see how it must have been utterly demoralising for him. But I don't have a single memory of him blaming me, sulking around me etc because he wasn't a shit father.

Besides, it sounds like its always about the husband and his career and never about the OP. That's something that needs addressing, if not now then at some point soon because it isn't sustainable or fair on the OP and especially not on her children who deserve to feel like more than the reason daddy isn't successful.

He is allowed to feel bad and have a little sulk, but it’s not fair to blame you. Ask him to take stock of where being a workaholic has got him. It hasn’t got him the promotion he was hoping for. Does his company respect him, or is it just expected he will work work work?

Not a day of AL? That is crazy, I thought by law you had to have some AL each year. He is missing out on life for nothing.

Exactly!

It isn't even a case of "ooooh, he's an awful person who deserves to be punished I hope the OP leaves him." It is just a fact that if he continues down this road he will have damaged his future relationship with his children and lost years of his life, and all for nothing since it is clear the organisation don't appreciate his (over) commitment to his work. Obviously that doesn't mean he should quit working and the whole family relocate to a hippy commune. But there needs to be balance.

The message that I wish I'd learned a couple of decades earlier than I did is that if you're irreplaceable, you're unpromotable.
Your boss gets to see you boost someone else's career and bonus after denying you opportunities and the remuneration that you deserve, knowing full well that they will get nowhere near the budget to handle your workload.

He is really disappointed and looking for somebody to blame. It's a sad fact of life that loyalty and being hard working isn't always rewarded in the workplace. It's not your fault.

This is not acceptable behaviour.

He is punishing you all for his own shortcomings.

Be very, very clear that whilst you understand his disappointment he doesn’t get to take it out on you or the children.

(oh and ‘working hard’ doesn’t mean you deserve a promotion!)

People who work around the clock not taking holidays or sick days are probably likely to burn out over those who take care of themselves.

Gently I say this, but to some degree I feel you are being a bit victim playing going by your post title - - husband blaming me.

Give him time and space.

That was a completely different situation. You don't interfere on a course. Runner was correct to continue on regardless if her kids or anyone else. In that case the dad was completely negligent in caring for the children and keeping them off course. Good thing it wasn't me or I'd have run through.

Sounds like he doesn’t deserve the promotion if he can’t stay focussed and hit it out the park just because of an argument at home that week and listening to his wife’s struggles. Personally he’s using you as an excuse, he needs to grow up and not give you the silent treatment that is very childish- if that’s a flavour of his communication style- maybe his work have good reason to not to give him the promotion

I once read a book by a palliative care nurse where she'd interviewed her patients and collated their biggest regrets. Number one was working too hard. No matter what the patients had achieved nor how much money they'd made, when it came to the end they universally said they regretted working as hard as they did.

He’s an abusive idiot.

Dear husband you have had x years to prove you deserve this promotion don't blame us if you think one week when you made your family even more miserable than usual overshadowed x years of employment your deluded.
You have also had x years to prove your up to being a husband and y to being a parent so far your not achieving that either.

How on earth did you get past him saying that OP. I would be gone at that point.

He might come off as narcissistic, but at the same time, he seemed stressed and preoccupied during that period, so I am surprised that if you have a good relationship, you wouldn't be aware of what was happening in his life. Consider that if your partner is going through something significant, it's important to keep minor issues to yourself (unless urgent) and give them the space to pursue their goals before seeking attention for your own concerns. Raising children is challenging, and I understand your struggles, but sometimes it's beneficial to turn to friends or other family members to share the load when he needs support, allowing him to provide a better life for your family. Apologize for not being more understanding during this crucial time for him. Acknowledge that you were facing difficulties and unaware of the stress he was under. Encourage him to communicate his need for space for work or personal goals more clearly and assure him that you will offer better support in the future. Hopefully, things will improve between you both, and he will find more opportunities. Best of luck!

@OpenBee thank you I will bear this in mind.

our relationship isn’t good to be honest I’ve let loads of things slide. I’ve changed username but those who are on AIBU might remember some of my threads - him emailing women and giving them money, not coming home, he’s very secretive always has been. He didn’t tell me he had an important week at work. I deal with everything myself. He doesn’t even know who the kids teachers are or what year the eldest was in. I keep all my stresses away from him (try to) but there is a point he has to step in and be one a father. If his work was so important why not tell me I’d be a single parent essentially before even trying for a baby?

In that case, he should be embarrassed by his career not being that great. Most would be flying if their partner could give them that springboard.

Please, advise him from me that he is utterly sympathetic as his poor career is humiliating under these advantageous circumstance.

Don't blame yourself OP.
Maybe some of his colleagues also know about his emailing women, giving them money, and not going home to his family and didn't give him a promotion because they viewed him as untrustworthy even if he is good at his job?

have you actually read the op's posts?

This man has far far too much time to himself to pursue his own goals. He is not acting as a husband or a father because he's never switched off from work. what a batshit post

Men like that can be a bit of a puzzle. They appear to be doing everything for the family by working extremely hard but ultimately they are doing this to avoid having a genuine warm loving connection with their wife and family. I have recently learnt about attachment theory (Philippa Perry amongst others writes about this )and realize i have been married to a Dismissive Avoidant. They will do almost everything to create a chasm between them and their partner. One of the things they tend to do is disconnect, by sulking, not talking, stonewalling and avoiding quality time with their family. Anyway something that might be relevant to your situation.

It is time that you started considering yourself. Treatment is available for depression. I think talking therapy would be good for you. When we are depressed we tend to blame ourselves for everything. For the sake of your family you need to get well and strong again.
As for your husband, he should be considering his own shortcomings. It is clear that he won’t progress until he is able to take the wider view and responsibility for his impact on others. Being a plodding workhorse is not going to impress senior management. He needs to work on personal development, beginning at home.. Focus on yourself and consider whether this relationship is meeting your needs. You two are in a toxic way of being together. It is making everybody unhappy. He needs to stop blaming and you need to stop accepting blame. Start with your GP and put yourself first. Good luck!

There may be things wrong in your life, but not getting the promotion is defo NOT your fault, nor the DCs fault. He needs to sort himself our, maybe you need help too, but that's a separate issue..

Thank you @LimePeer

This describes my partner. He starts fights, sulks and gives me the silent treatment.

Sometimes it feels he manufactures an incident or becomes so deliberately annoying I am begging him to go upstairs for him to have alone time …where he will play video games.

This is all making so much sense now.

What’s it like over there in the early 1950’s 🥴 🙄

Thank you all. I also feel he starts fights on purpose for example he’s not happy I have a relationship with my sisters and sulks when they used to come over. He’s isolated me from my family now so they never come over. When I did have a few friends over in the past he would slam the doors and sulk. I do feel all alone but I don’t know how to get out of this situation. Tbh divorce would be worse as if I’m being honest he’s never around so I have house to myself and could easily invite people over without him knowing but I choose not to. I’m quite depressed so my house although very beautiful is very messy and dirty, I don’t have energy to clean. I know I need to get myself out of this rut no one else will.