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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband didn’t get promotion and blames me

313 replies

2024Mu · 29/05/2024 08:05

Found out yesterday he didn’t get promoted. I feel really upset for him as it’s been a 2.5 year process so not something that’s happened overnight. He has spent the entire time I have known him (15 years) into his work. He has sacrificed a lot. In all the years I have known him he has NEVER once taken a day off. He even joked had the kids not been born on weekends he would not have been able to attend their births (I know he’s half serious but I’ll never find out as I went into labour with both on a weekend). No matter what is going on he puts work first. I feel disappointed for him as I know how important his work is and I know he deserved the promotion.

He hasn’t said it outright but I know he blames me. He’s very quiet with me and has been giving me silent treatment. The thing is I’ve been really struggling mentally with the kids and other stuff and I didn’t know his big Final meeting was last week when I was really stressed out. I kept telling him my non-important problems. We had a fight as I feel he ignores me. My health hasn’t been very good either so I’ve been down about that. He did once say if he hadn’t married me his life would have been exactly where he needed it to be (career wise).

sorry Voting not clear:
**
YOU ARE BEING UNREASONABLE - yes it’s your fault, why stress him out during an important time
**
YOU ARE NOT BEING UNREASONABLE- no it’s not your fault he didn’t get promoted.

OP posts:
bellezarara · 29/05/2024 11:37

The silent treatment is unforgivable, especially for the kids.

I would give him an ultimatum that he grows the fuck up or moves out. But mean it.

Sceptical123 · 29/05/2024 11:39

2024Mu · 29/05/2024 08:17

Sorry to clear things up yes he does take annual leave but he still is on his laptop checking emails. During covid he was incredibly unwell but still dragged himself to his laptop. I meant when he’s Sick he never takes any time off work. He has barely gone to any school events. Maybe 2 for eldest and 1 for youngest. He was on phone checking messages whole time.

He’s putting work before his family, out of choice it seems. The comment he made about being where he wanted to be if he hadn’t married you illustrated his priorities doesn’t it. He also wouldn’t have a family. Did he want one?

The old adage work to live not live to work springs to mind.

He clearly gets more satisfaction achieving and progressing through his career than helping to raise his own family. It’s sad bc his children will remember and he’s at risk of being very lonely when they’re too busy for him in the future and want nothing to do with him. He kind of deserves it though I think.

somethingwickedlivesnextdoor · 29/05/2024 11:40

2024Mu · 29/05/2024 08:13

It’s a really horrible atmosphere at home. The kids are tiny (primary school age). They don’t understand what’s happening. He’s ignoring them and youngest was trying to play with him. Eldest gave up. I slept in the kids room yesterday as he kept muttering and had a bit to drink.

What a wanker. If he's that sulky and immature at work, no wonder he didn't get the promotion.

Sloejelly · 29/05/2024 11:40

Never taking a day off is not the sign of a good employee. He may well not have got promoted because he isn’t good enough, doesn’t delegate, poor at time management…

somethingwickedlivesnextdoor · 29/05/2024 11:42

He sounds very hard to live with. I bet he's contributing to your poor mental health.

And what a fucking cheek to say he'd be in the same position if it hadn't been for you - YOU are facilitating his entire life by looking after his children and the house. How dare he??

If he's that obsessed with work I'd expect him to be a millionaire so you don't have to work and you can hire staff. Maybe he's just not very good at work.

I bet he's a nightmare to work with too.

mswales · 29/05/2024 11:44

He sounds really emotionally abusive OP. He does nothing for the family, ignores his kids when he's sulking, has told you if he hadn't married you his life would be better, and gives you the silent treatment to punish you for speaking up. I can't see anything positive he's bringing to your life at all. Of course you're depressed - anyone would be living in this situation and being made to think it's their fault. If you won't think about leaving him for your own sake then think about the kids. They will be massively affected by seeing this toxic relationship modelled as they grow up, they will think this is normal, that it's ok for men to treat women like this, and it will affect their future relationships. They will also be very affected by having such an emotionally and physically unavailable father. As a previous poster said, if he didn't want a family life then why has he married and had kids??

theholesinmyapologies · 29/05/2024 11:48

Wouldn't be putting up with any of that from him. He sounds like a complete arsehole.

What positives does he bring to you and your children?

CantDealwithChristmas · 29/05/2024 11:51

He's abusing you. Him blaming you for daring to have feelings and acting as though that affected HIS performance? Yeah that's emotional abuse.

horseyhorsey17 · 29/05/2024 11:59

Fucking hell, mate, what your husband feels about how his career would have been much better if he hadn't married is true of practically every woman ever. Mine would have been better if I'd not married or had kids, as like most women, I ended up taking a career break to do just that. Is that my husband or kids' fault? No. Is my life richer for them being in it? Yes (even though I am now separated.)

Your husband is being a twat sulking and blaming you. Don't put up with it.

GeminiGiggles · 29/05/2024 12:01

2024Mu · 29/05/2024 08:13

It’s a really horrible atmosphere at home. The kids are tiny (primary school age). They don’t understand what’s happening. He’s ignoring them and youngest was trying to play with him. Eldest gave up. I slept in the kids room yesterday as he kept muttering and had a bit to drink.

This is the bit that makes me think you should LTB above all the other equally shitty points.

Your poor kids. Get rid of him. Having someone right in front of you ignoring you hurts more than them not even being there at all.

He's never going change, he doesn't care enough about any of you. At least on your own you are doing it own because you have to not when there should be another adult providing support rather than creating more work for you both physical (cleaning, cooking etc) and mental (dealing with self esteem issues that come from treated like this for yourself and your children).

His promotion is actually immaterial in this in as much as it come across as one of many many failings.

MissTrip82 · 29/05/2024 12:05

I literally resuscitate people for living. When I fail I have to tell their relatives.

I still don’t get to be this much of a dick at home.

Greenleavesinthesun · 29/05/2024 12:16

Your poor DH. Of course it’s not your fault. He must feel like a bag of shit after all that time and effort just to be kicked in the teeth. I imagine he is stropping and lashing out and your the closet one there. It’s crap and not an excuse but I imagine the whole thing is upsetting. It’s not your fault and it’s not about you, sounds like he needs some support and a firm talking to with regards to holding his job above his family in the future as clearly it’s not worth it.

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 29/05/2024 12:18

I echo some PP, one interview would not cancel out years of work. If how he handles disappointment is giving you the silent treatment and not being able to communicate properly, those traits are likely what can be seen at work.

ChrisPPancake · 29/05/2024 12:22

You haven't talked about it but you already know he blames you? That he makes you think like that is on him and not you.

But this: "He did once say if he hadn’t married me his life would have been exactly where he needed it to be (career wise)." is something else. Prick. He's only where he is because you've allowed/enabled/supported him to be there. It'd be met with an "off you fuck then" here.

BurrosTail · 29/05/2024 12:24

Is he in a habit of blaming others at work, too? If so, clearly not leadership material then. 🤷‍♀️

Penguinmouse · 29/05/2024 12:26

The only way he can put these hours in is because you are doing ALL the care of your children. Honestly, what does he bring to this family?

TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 29/05/2024 12:28

BurrosTail · 29/05/2024 12:24

Is he in a habit of blaming others at work, too? If so, clearly not leadership material then. 🤷‍♀️

Really? He would fit right in where I work. Add a bit of gaslighting too. SLT bingo.

From what you say about him it sounds like he doesn't want a family or value family life. Is his family just for show? Is it expected he would have a family?

Saintmariesleuth · 29/05/2024 12:40

He sounds like a work addict from your follow up posts. His words and actions make it very clear that you and the children come second place to his BIG IMPORTANT JOB.
I am not surprised that you feel depressed and stressed out if you carry the home front all on your own. Addicts only care about their addiction and nothing else can compete.

Have you ever been able to have a calm, focused discussion with him about his lack of presence at home and how this impacts the you and the children?

His current behaviour of silent treatment and ignoring you all is awful, as is his blaming his problems on you. Issues at home are part and parcel of life, and we all need to learn to juggle multiple things as working adults.

In your position I'd have to say I would be seriously reconsidering the relationship. My suspicious is he is unlikely to change at this point. I couldn't live like this- come retirement he will probably find something else to obssess over.

Lampslights · 29/05/2024 12:48

BurrosTail · 29/05/2024 12:24

Is he in a habit of blaming others at work, too? If so, clearly not leadership material then. 🤷‍♀️

I see a bit of this at my work, the totally inept ones who think they are destined for great things,pissed no one recognises it. And tells their partners all sorts of shite, who you then meet and it’s clear they think their husband is something special and you’re thinking, nope. He’s the office arsehole. And I bet he’s an arsehole at home too.

Venturini · 29/05/2024 12:52

This is no way to live. I feel sorry for you and your kids.

Sunshineofyourlove · 29/05/2024 12:53

It's outrageous of your husband to blame you for something that is his responsibility, and his treatment of you and the children is abusive. Your poor kids, trying to get his attention and being stonewalled.😢

I'm not at all surprised that you are depressed, carrying so much responsibility without proper support, and being ignored and deprioritised for so long.

Workaholism is as much of a problem as any other addiction. Imagine his addiction was drugs or alcohol, rather than work. Would you carry on as you are, or would you be starting to think about a life without him?

gamerchick · 29/05/2024 12:53

.He did once say if he hadn’t married me his life would have been exactly where he needed it to be (career wise)

How? He hasn't sacrificed anything at all. He's done exactly as he has wanted, thought of himself only and you just tagged along.

Stop blaming yourself. The way he's going on with you and his kids is outrageous. Give him both barrels, tell him to get the fuck over himself and to piss off elsewhere until he's over it. Poor kids being stuck in the middle of all that

Exactlab · 29/05/2024 12:54

Promotions are most often based on personality. His behaviour at home is likely how he behaves at work. People probably can’t stand him.

burnoutbabe · 29/05/2024 12:59

Is he the surgeon type who is having to move around to get niche positions and take locus roles to be in the right place for when a very rare role comes up?

As it all seems quite familiar.

He must be gutted if that's the case. (Doesn't mean he needs to be a dick but also doesn't mean he doesn't deserve a promotion to get an actual contract /security at some point.

Gymnopedie · 29/05/2024 13:02

He did once say if he hadn’t married me his life would have been exactly where he needed it to be (career wise)

So as if his behaviour didn't tell you, his words did. He isn't committed to this marriage.

Seriously OP I know LTB is thrown around a lot on MN but this is one where I think it's justified. if you left him I'd be surprised if your depression didn't lift almost immediately. Because he's the cause of it.