Husband didn’t get promotion and blames me

[2024Mu]

Found out yesterday he didn’t get promoted. I feel really upset for him as it’s been a 2.5 year process so not something that’s happened overnight. He has spent the entire time I have known him (15 years) into his work. He has sacrificed a lot. In all the years I have known him he has NEVER once taken a day off. He even joked had the kids not been born on weekends he would not have been able to attend their births (I know he’s half serious but I’ll never find out as I went into labour with both on a weekend). No matter what is going on he puts work first. I feel disappointed for him as I know how important his work is and I know he deserved the promotion.

He hasn’t said it outright but I know he blames me. He’s very quiet with me and has been giving me silent treatment. The thing is I’ve been really struggling mentally with the kids and other stuff and I didn’t know his big Final meeting was last week when I was really stressed out. I kept telling him my non-important problems. We had a fight as I feel he ignores me. My health hasn’t been very good either so I’ve been down about that. He did once say if he hadn’t married me his life would have been exactly where he needed it to be (career wise).

sorry Voting not clear:
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YOU ARE BEING UNREASONABLE - yes it’s your fault, why stress him out during an important time
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YOU ARE NOT BEING UNREASONABLE- no it’s not your fault he didn’t get promoted.

Exactl this. Furthermore, he clearly cannot be that good at prioritising which is essential to be good at any job too. Exceptional employees know when to give priority to their family, body, heads because they know how to prioritise in general.

Do you love him?

Do you want to remain married to him, albeit with a shift in balance?

If you do, then the two of you urgently need to start communicating. Understanding each others' pressures, priorities, worries, needs.

Working as a team. At the moment you are house sharing co-parents.

Can you take a few days away to chat about your life together going forward? Could you go to counselling to help you re-balance your respective roles?

From what you've said, no of course you're not to blame. And he hasn't blamed you. Maybe he's sulking because he's realised what he's expected you to put up with and it hasn't paid off. You two need to talk.

He's sad, angry, disappointed. It seems fair that he needs a bit of time to process this.

Whilst you have your own worries, he also has his and I don't think we always know what is going on inside the minds of our close family.

Leave him figure it out. Support him by carrying on as normally as possible with the children. He might be considering his future options in terms of work life.

Of course it's not your fault. But that doesn't mean that he isn't thinking that - when we're upset we have all sorts of totally irrational thoughts that we need to work through and question logically -hopefully coming to sensible answers.

If it continues he might need to get some help from something like MIND/ work wellbeing or his GP.

Must be nice being with someone who only ever works and doesn’t put you first because his job is more important, you never go on holiday? He doesn’t care about your stress? Or his kids? I gather he makes good money.

tbh op, why are you even together? He’s too incompetent even with 24/7 etc working to get a promotion then he blames it on you, he never puts you or the kids first and he’s at work all the time anyway? You’d be better off on your own as you do it all anyway. Now he’s being an arsehole to you becuase of his own inadequacies. Blunt yes, but this won’t get better.

He takes annual leave…

OP are you a SAHM? Your DH sounds like a man baby is is exploiting you. The set up clearly isn't working for you; are there any changes you could make?

Yanbu. It’s no wonder you’ve been depressed, your husband prioritises work over everything else including you and the children. You’re doing everything with no support from him and that does not make for a happy relationship.
It’s not your fault he didn’t get the promotion- if he was the right person for the job, he would have got it.
I would seriously consider whether you want to stay in this relationship as it sounds like it’s making you miserable. You need to sit down together and have some serious conversations, I would also suggest marriage counselling so that he can hear from a third party how unreasonable he’s being in always prioritising work to the detriment of his relationship with his wife and children.

Do you or have you ever worked at a professional job? From what you write it doesn't sound like you do. It's the way you wrote your original post. About how he worked all the time and no breaks, and how he deserved a promotion

To me, it sounds like he's blaming you for his lack of progression career wise. It maybe he just didn't have what it takes to get to the next level. Or he's not been ambitious enough and stayed at one place instead of applying for promotions with another employee.

Truth is, I don't have what it takes either to climb the next step. I'm very good technically. But I just don't shine and I don't like change so I prefer to be comfortable where I am. Therefore while I believe I'm good at my job, I don't get promoted. I'm happy with that. I earn over £60k but I can't see myself being higher up the ladder in 5 or 10 years time. But I don't blame my kids or DH for holding me back. I know it's me.

I think that's the problem with your DH. It's him, but instead of owning up to his shortcomings, he blamed it on you and the kids.

Do you want to spend the next 50 years like this?

I am going to guess he is a lawyer and was going for partnership.

Have been through those holidays where calls were still taken and emails responded to! We came to a compromise where he would deal with these for half an hour after breakfast and then half an hour later when I was getting ready for dinner.

The reality is if you chatting about your minor (to him) issues is enough to throw him off his stride in his big final meeting then he isn't ready for promotion and the extra responsibility it would bring if he can't separate that out!

He is either annoyed at himself, his bosses and/or disappointed which is understandable but it isn't acceptable to blame you and treat you as though it's your fault.

He needs to get over himself and decide whether after all this the firm or company where he is is the right place for him or whether he would progress more by going on elsewhere which is often the case.

Has the firm said why he was turned down and likely progression going forward. Its a bit different when it is you aren't suitable to becoming a partner here to there is no current business case for you to be made up and the financial don't support your application. But in any event this is not down to you.

This. It is reasonable for him to be upset and there is no indication at all that he blames you.

That is so sad. It will get to a point when it will be the kids who will ignore him, and there will be no coming back. Kids aren´t stupid.He will be as important as any other piece of furniture in the house, just part of the view. When he retires/dies life in his precious company will move on as if he had never been there and so will life with his family I am afraid.

What exactly does he do for a living OP, I can’t imagine ever caring enough about a job enough to be so awful to my family! He is totally in the wrong here, sounds like he has done a real number on you for you to be even questioning this..

This kind of obsessive behaviour is really frowned upon in the company I work for.

He needs to be demonstrating a good work/life balance these days. Yes that can involve long hours, but not to the extent that your DH does. It makes it look like he is incapable of coping with his workload. Probably one of the reasons why he wasn't promoted!

If he keeps this sulky rubbish up I’d tell him clearly I’ve been supporting him every fucking day and every minute of our children’s life that he has ignored them which is most of every holiday you’ve been on as well as all the other time and it ends here. He cooks dinner one day a week, does his own washing, generally tidies and parents, and you are taking every second weekend as off as he usually takes it despite being a dad with a family and house to maintain and he can experience a bit of having to pull his own weight, and if he ever wants to take his childish sulking out on the kids again he’s out the door and if he’s really lucky I’d throw some clean underwear after him. I’d be furious.

He is feeling serously rejected, pelase dont make it any worse - just give him space and remain polite - hope it all blows over soon

He will be considering his next moves ie move job but that is often hard for most people

Since when are your problems non-important? It sounds to me as if he's got delusions about bring the big Mister I Am. Well now he knows his employer doesn't rate him quite so highly.

And how can you be to blame?

He's the one who placed the job at a higher priority than family (?! and that's dangerous) and now he's had his ego-balloon popped with a bloody big pin.

Hard cheese. But if he's going to carry on playing the Blame Game he'd better watch out for Karma.

What does he do as a career?

I know surgeons, lawyers and bankers (male and female)
NONE of them do these hours

And none of them were denied promotions for becoming a father thats reserved for mothers 👍😓

Disgusting to behaviour even if i was your fault - its not!
even more disgusting to do this post birth

If he is salaried / PAYE which i assume he is given the promotion and highly paid I'd be looking to separate.

I have absolutely zero sympathy for these men. Zero. Seen it time and time again and it's clear from the original post what is going on here. He believes he is superior to the op. And he has made her believe that too. That is obvious from the way she is blaming herself for his inadequacies and the way she puts herself at the bottom. He will have caused her depression by leaving all the grunt work to her. He has treated his family like absolute shit. As a man, he will have had every privilege and opportunity available. He will have been promoted beyond his capabilities. Yes, it is hard to realise you're not the billy big balls you thought you were, but you brought that all upon yourself. He has in no way earned or is deserving of the support the op has relentlessly given him.

I suspect he might be a lawyer too. I chose to work in government because I enjoyed the work and it was a reasonable lifestyle choice. Yes, I earned less but I had much less stress and shorter hours.

Even by the standards of private practice, I think your husband is excessive. He may simply not be good enough and doesn't prioritise his work correctly. It is likely he has not brought work in as a rainmaker and his "chargeable hours" are not remarkable. Just sweating over current files does not make him a viable partnership prospect. I fail to see how you were responsible for this.

If he was all that great, he would be being wooed by other firms.

People do become partners when they have wives (usually stay at home ones it is true) and families.

I would give him some grace time to adjust but then I would want some changes.

15 years and your kids are primary age wow I'd have ditched him before they were a thought.

So, you were to remain entirely in good health and without troubles so that you could remain entirely in the background of his life and then he could get this promotion? You cannot rely on a man who would make this trade.

🤣 no surprise to see that was your username 🤣🤣🤣

I wouldn't promote him either. He hasn't been promoted because he is an ocean going wanker to never take a day off.

Never mind bloody men, WOMEN become partners these days in spite of having kids and maternity leave and taking all their annual leave and being really engaged at home and work and having partners who also have a good job and share things between them.

A man with a wife doing everything for him is extremely privileged.