Husband didn’t get promotion and blames me

[2024Mu]

Found out yesterday he didn’t get promoted. I feel really upset for him as it’s been a 2.5 year process so not something that’s happened overnight. He has spent the entire time I have known him (15 years) into his work. He has sacrificed a lot. In all the years I have known him he has NEVER once taken a day off. He even joked had the kids not been born on weekends he would not have been able to attend their births (I know he’s half serious but I’ll never find out as I went into labour with both on a weekend). No matter what is going on he puts work first. I feel disappointed for him as I know how important his work is and I know he deserved the promotion.

He hasn’t said it outright but I know he blames me. He’s very quiet with me and has been giving me silent treatment. The thing is I’ve been really struggling mentally with the kids and other stuff and I didn’t know his big Final meeting was last week when I was really stressed out. I kept telling him my non-important problems. We had a fight as I feel he ignores me. My health hasn’t been very good either so I’ve been down about that. He did once say if he hadn’t married me his life would have been exactly where he needed it to be (career wise).

sorry Voting not clear:
**
YOU ARE BEING UNREASONABLE - yes it’s your fault, why stress him out during an important time
**
YOU ARE NOT BEING UNREASONABLE- no it’s not your fault he didn’t get promoted.

Why are you blowing smoke up his arse when he is treating you like crap?

The work comes first bit would be enough to put me off.

Clearly there was someone better than him but his male pride can’t take it. What a baby.

Hi OP, registered counsellor here, specialising in client burnout. I'm sorry to hear about this bruising and painful experience with your husband. I'm posting because what you've posted here suggests a couple of possible burnout dynamics:

[1] The WHO definition of burnout (2019) mentions "chronic workplace stress" leading to "feelings of negativism or cynicism related to one's job". Their definition is very tightly focussed on work, but in my experience with clients a big part of the problem is when people bring the reactivity and defensiveness that naturally come with stress, short or long term, back home into their personal relationships. Does that feel like something which might be happening here?

[2] Following up on LimePeer's mention of Attachment Theory, there's always a question of what people are bringing to their burnout journey. To what extent has someone's drive turned into them being their own toxic boss? Back in the 70s, Herbert Freudenberger gave us his 12 Stages of Burnout, including #2, taking refuge in overwork. Someone with a dismissive-avoidant adult attachment style may have learnt in childhood that the unavailability of emotional support made emotional independence and isolation less painful than the alternative of seeking support and being rejected. We all want connection, but some have learned at a very basic level to fear the consequences of seeking it - they just won't put their fingers back on the hob. Rather than risking intimacy and emotional interdependence, such a person might try to assert their worth through external validation, such as "taking refuge in overwork". May I ask, does this sound to you like your husband?

I don't know if any of this helps you to make sense of what's going on, and has been going on - in any case, good luck with whatever lies ahead.

So, it’s been a 130 week process, they’ve known him for 15 years and the only reason he wasn’t successful is because you, his wife, had the audacity to share that you were stressed during the 130th of those weeks?

Bullshit. He’s blaming you for his lack of success because it’s easier than questioning why he’s dedicating himself so fully to a job which hasn’t rewarded him in the way he expected to be rewarded. He’s bitterly disappointed and taking it out on you rather than rethink what he’s doing with his life by investing more heavily into a job than his family.

OP please listen to all of the posters on this thread. Your husband sounds dire. I get he’s disappointed but it’s obviously not your fault he didn’t get promoted. He didn’t even tell you about the final interview!

No wonder you are depressed, you’ve effectively been a single parent for years.

Do not accept blame for his failure to secure the promotion. To be honest, if he needs to check emails during the three school events he’s attended the likelihood is he’s not managing his current role never mind more responsibility.

It sounds as if there are bigger problems with his behaviour than just this event, and he may just be someone who is always discontented - if he can’t accept his own role in not getting promotion and is pivoting to apportion blame to you he is not able to self reflect and see his own shortcomings.

Look after yourself and kids. If he can’t put a bit more into the family you may need to re-evaluate your priorities for your own mental health.

Hi OP was he going for Partnership somewhere? If they’ve not given it to him then he needs to move on. They obviously see him as the one that does the hardwork- bit of a monkey but not the rainmaker. Esp with an attitude like his, it will come out at work. You can’t be the fall guy for his insecurities. I’m sorry you’re in this shit marriage,

Sounds like you need to get yourself out of the marriage in order to solve all the other issues

Impressive that you can put someone's post down like you did. I heard about people like you online. If the husband is a cheater and a toxic person all around, which I only read after the update on the thread, then the question is irrelevant. Whatever he complains about is nothing to worry about if he consistently fails to be a good husband and dad and is incredibly toxic. What it seemed initially was that he was just working very hard for the past couple of years trying to get a promotion so he could have more in life and offer more for his family. As I suggested, it is all about how the wife knows the husband. He could be narcissistic or he could have been sucked into wanting to offer more for his wife and children and not realising how much he sacrificed for it until he didn't get the promotion.

I hope he will now realise he is just an employee number. Replaceable.

Huuuuge hugs OP! Assuming it is a partnership-type level promotion, firms will always put more people into "the funnel" with 2 years to go than will make the grade. That in itself is part of the process. Everyone on the path will receive mentoring & feedback & fine-tuned goals. He won't have been without input until last week!

These days, most firms want partners who are capable of managing the balance - of having an interest outside of work (doesn't hurt if it's high end & client schmoozable like fine art, or horse-racing, or yachting; but equally doesn't matter if it's avidly supporting darts or snooker or your childhood town football team; or taking your kid to comic-con or warhammer conventions!)

They also need people who can HANDLE the stresses & ups & downs that come with partnership, AND manage a family & social life.

It sounds like DH was probably an outlier/old school pick in the process anyway & not making selection certainly doesn't have anything to do with your wobbles last week! Tell him if he'd like to chop you in for a stepford wife with a texas blow dry that would be fine tho - you can take your 50% and EOW and he can crack on, as you'd be giving up less (change of lifestyle than he would in a split anyway.

I have a friend who didn't make partnership & split from his wife around that time. He now acknowledges it was never really his bag, but she was very strivey & it was important to her. His career has been anything but a flop since - just a different focus (having left Big 4). Sure he might take home 1/3 of what a partner does, but it's hardly peanuts. And he now has children & time to devote to them at weekends & enjoy life, as well as a decent career.

You clearly ideally need to talk to a counsellor together, as this is a big life pivot. He could get his house in order & readjust his priorities. Or he could continue to blame you & drive an even bigger wedge in - in which case you & the children would be far better off out of there.

I suspect that follow up guidance is available from his firm for everyone who doesn't 'make it'...doubt he'll mention it but maybe you could ask as part of a 'what's next?' discussion? You've put even more into the last 15 years (emotionally) than he has. You need to work together to figure out a mutually rewarding refocus...

Or your alternative will be very clear. Good luck

@MeandT thank you so much x

He did if he was always like this?

If he really wants to believe he didn’t get promoted because of you then the logical conclusion is to live apart. He moves out and manages by himself all the stuff that you do. He also has to manage the children EOW by himself.

Exactly. Call his bluff. He can hole up in his bachelor pad close to work and work 24/7 to his hearts content live off take aways and go to the office gym. His children when teens will either despise him or pity him. Bet he still doesn’t make partner!