Husband didn’t get promotion and blames me

[2024Mu]

Found out yesterday he didn’t get promoted. I feel really upset for him as it’s been a 2.5 year process so not something that’s happened overnight. He has spent the entire time I have known him (15 years) into his work. He has sacrificed a lot. In all the years I have known him he has NEVER once taken a day off. He even joked had the kids not been born on weekends he would not have been able to attend their births (I know he’s half serious but I’ll never find out as I went into labour with both on a weekend). No matter what is going on he puts work first. I feel disappointed for him as I know how important his work is and I know he deserved the promotion.

He hasn’t said it outright but I know he blames me. He’s very quiet with me and has been giving me silent treatment. The thing is I’ve been really struggling mentally with the kids and other stuff and I didn’t know his big Final meeting was last week when I was really stressed out. I kept telling him my non-important problems. We had a fight as I feel he ignores me. My health hasn’t been very good either so I’ve been down about that. He did once say if he hadn’t married me his life would have been exactly where he needed it to be (career wise).

sorry Voting not clear:
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YOU ARE BEING UNREASONABLE - yes it’s your fault, why stress him out during an important time
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YOU ARE NOT BEING UNREASONABLE- no it’s not your fault he didn’t get promoted.

How is you telling him about your problems on the "big meeting week" impacted his company's decision AFTER 15 years of not taking annual leave? Time for him to invest his time in what really matters (his family) and not on a job where he is not appreciated, and where he'd be replaced within days.

He sounds like an absolute bore. Well done to you for putting up with HIM.

There’s a reason he didn’t get the promotion and it’s not because of you. You’re just cannon fodder. If he hasn’t taken time off that means you haven’t had a break either.
He needs a wake up call. The only thing he is sacrificing is his marriage and family.

He's ignoring his innocent children?
Too late now but why on earth did he get married and have children?
What positives does the bore bring to your life?

He is behaving like a dick yes. But sounds like he has had a massive blow in not getting this and he hasn’t suggested he blames you. So I would give him a few days to lick his wounds. Then time to decide what he does next and how he needs to commit to family too.

Why do you assume your problems are less important than your husband's? People in relationships are supposed to support each other, it should not be all one way.

Promotion is a mirage for a lot of employees; most of us aren't ever going to be rising any higher than we are, but we have things called lives and families which are ultimately more important and more satisfying than climbing the corporate ladder. Maybe your husband needs to get his head around that.

OP is he rigid with his behaviours and routines? No novelty, no spontaneity?

If he is, then look up MN aspergers thread where a number of us hang out and try to gain some comfort.

My DH is a workaholic and also on the spectrum. His work is everything. Might not be the same but as partners we all do everything by ourselves and yes it’s depressing!

Whatever the case it’s not right to measure your self worth via a promotion.

a lot of us have an external yardstick we are constantly measuring ourselves against external goals.

it would be good for him to have some therapy to understand why he’s so attached to work outcomes and where that fear of not being good enough comes from. Who taught it to him? Usually it’s your mum or dad.

Has he factored in that if he continues like this he's at high risk of stroke, high blood pressure and other conditions? Ask any nurse who deals with end of life patients, people usually regret not spending time with loved ones, not career related absurdity.

I am so sorry you're going through this. Your concerns are not inconsequential or non-important, you and the kids deserve better. What support do YOU have?

Would he be happier if you and the kids moved out or kicked him out and then he can career to his heart's content, as long as he pays for you

He'll be a lonely old man at this rate and it'll serve him right.

Lots to unpack here but:

1. No fucking way is you being stressed for a couple of days going to have derailed a 2.5 year process. The decision not to promote him will have been made before this.
2. You don’t know for a fact he blames you. In all likelihood he’s just pissed off at the world at large and lashing out. If he actually does blame you he’s a dick and you have larger problems.
3. Long term, jobs like this can be extremely damaging for a person’s mental health and that has a msssive impact on their family but there is no excuse for treating you and your kids like this. I have a job a bit like this and sometimes it really gets to me but I see it as my job to put a protective ring around my DD and make sure the toxicity doesn’t become her problem too. It’s not OK for him to marginalise his family I’ve this.

He sounds typical of lots of men with “big” jobs (banking/corporate law/accountancy) who treat their families like an afterthought.

It sounds as if you have put up with this for far too long and you have to ask yourself what are you and your kids getting out of it?

If he’s been rejected the smart move would be for him to take a step back and reassess what he wants to do and potentially apply for other jobs or retrain and do something completely new as opposed to banging his head against a brick wall out of misplaced corporate loyalty.

I think it’s ultimatum time: job or family.

I would leave this dickhead now. You need to find anger OP. He is an appalling husband. You have subjugated yourself long enough to his need for validation from his peers FFS.

I find men that only care about their career extremely unattractive.
Driven is fine, but when they think that its more important than family life and relationships, I'd be out the door.
This should be a wake up call for him that despite all the work he's put in, his company doesn't care about him!
Whereas the effort he could put into his relationship with you and his children will provide him with a loving family environment as he ages and eventually retires.
I imagine this is why some men struggle when they retire, they build so much of their self worth around their careers and when its gone, they don't really know what to do with themselves.
I also have a sneaking suspicion that some men really don't care about the opinion of women, even those in their family that they chose to marry, they only care about the opinion and praise from other men, so they throw themselves into work to get that validation.

Hey OP. It’s not fault your fault he didn’t get promoted. It was his choice to get married, have kids etc. that has obligations - you can’t wish that shit away.

He just needs to accept he didn’t get a promotion because someone was better than him. Working long hours doesn’t make you suitable to step up.

Work smarter - not harder, mate. Be a better human to your family, you know…the important people in your life.

Your husband sounds like my sibling who died tragically from stress and being overworked.
Perhaps your husband has started to realise his company doesn’t appreciate him and that’s why he is in a bad mood.
We believe this what lead to my sibling’s unnecessary death. By the time my sibling realised the company didn’t appreciate all the overtime, working during annual leave etc it was too late.

He sounds like a hopeless husband and father. Why are you with him?

What? Is it shite your fault!!

This sounds like an utterly miserable way to live for all of you. What's the point in chasing further success if you don't ever actually get to enjoy it and benefit from it?

If my husband was waxing lyrical about how much better his life would have been had we not married I'd be incredibly hurt and couldn't envisage staying with him.

Well diddums. He has a wife and kids. That's life. You are not to blame. Don't think it for a second.

I would have had sympathy too if he weren't blaming you.

Jeez, I thought my husband was a workaholic! This is next level!

If he wasn’t prepared to put his wife and kids first he should have stayed single.

This!!

This has really hit a nerve for me - not so much from your perspective although that's a horrible position to be in, but for your kids.

I WAS one of your kids. My Dad had a job that meant I didn't see much of him. He left for work before I was awake, he came home late. During busy times he even either slept at the office or in a hotel close to his office so he didn't waste time commuting. As a result, although I do love my Dad, I don't have that many childhood memories of us all doing things as a family. We'd go on holiday together sure (thankfully this was before laptops or mobile phones) but Mum told me the reason we always went away for more than 2 weeks at a time was because it took Dad at least 3 days to unwind and stop snapping at everyone.

Thankfully for Mum I'm an only child so she only had me to look after but I do feel sad now that I don't have THAT many memories of all of us going places as a family when I was little.

It's definitely not your fault he didn't get promoted. People like your DH who work like absolute dogs and sacrifice all their spare time for a company will not go far as they are not respected and will be kept in their current positions as a workhorse forever or until they choose to leave. You have to value your own time and worth to get anywhere in life.

He is the one damaging your mental health by giving his all to a company who don't give a shit about him, rather than devoting his time and energy to his wife and children and pulling his weight at home. Don't blame yourself for his failures.

Just stop it! The way he is isn't your fault!!

He has been working for a promotion for TWO AND A HALF YEARS and STILL didnt get it? 😮

He is embarrassed which is fair enough, I would be too, and can only blame himself for not being good enough. But obviously it is easier to blame you.

Him being a loser would give me the ick straight away. Well done you for staying with him, but can you carry on long time with this?

Tbf, if he's as committed as you say, and isn't being promoted up easily, I'd say he's probably just not that good.
Sounds like you and the kids have come last, and you've supported his career by being the one that catches everything personal life related whilst he commits to work.

I think you need a better balance, and I think he needs to stop being a grump like its your fault.

This. I work in a big ftse 100 company and one week’s poor performance, even if there WAS stress at home, wouldn’t cancel years of graft. He’s just not suitable for the role! his personality described here, makes me think that the company have noticed he’s not a very well balanced guy.