Husband didn’t get promotion and blames me

[2024Mu]

Found out yesterday he didn’t get promoted. I feel really upset for him as it’s been a 2.5 year process so not something that’s happened overnight. He has spent the entire time I have known him (15 years) into his work. He has sacrificed a lot. In all the years I have known him he has NEVER once taken a day off. He even joked had the kids not been born on weekends he would not have been able to attend their births (I know he’s half serious but I’ll never find out as I went into labour with both on a weekend). No matter what is going on he puts work first. I feel disappointed for him as I know how important his work is and I know he deserved the promotion.

He hasn’t said it outright but I know he blames me. He’s very quiet with me and has been giving me silent treatment. The thing is I’ve been really struggling mentally with the kids and other stuff and I didn’t know his big Final meeting was last week when I was really stressed out. I kept telling him my non-important problems. We had a fight as I feel he ignores me. My health hasn’t been very good either so I’ve been down about that. He did once say if he hadn’t married me his life would have been exactly where he needed it to be (career wise).

sorry Voting not clear:
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YOU ARE BEING UNREASONABLE - yes it’s your fault, why stress him out during an important time
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YOU ARE NOT BEING UNREASONABLE- no it’s not your fault he didn’t get promoted.

Work addiction - workaholism- is a thing and it sounds as though your DH might have this.

It sounds totally miserable for you and your family to come second to work in his list of priorities. I don't know how you can live with this on a long term basis.

He has no right to blame you for his lack of promotion. It is probably easier for him to blame you than for him to cope with the knowledge he himself wasn't considered good enough.

I don’t even know what to say to this. It’s abysmal behaviour from him. The way he has trodden you down is horrific. You don’t deserve it and you would be better off out of this marriage.

He's ignoring the kids?? That is very cruel, along with creating a toxic atmosphere.

It's not your fault at all.

Your dh is pissed off because he has found out he is not as important at work as he thought he was. I know people just the same who insist on checking in whilst on leave as they are so so important when really it is all just self indulgent ego boosting. This is not your fault op, your dh has just had his pride dented.

Of course it’s not your fault. He sounds like many of the ‘senior’ men where I used to work, the unhealthy working patterns, never switching off, barely being present at home, sacrificing everything for the business. It was a toxic culture that was expected. Thing he needs to now realise quickly is that he’s never going to attain the next step in that organisation and he needs to get out to progress. Best case scenario is he’s allowed to stay where he is, watches others advance past him and become bitter, worst case is they slowly manage him out.
Either way, do you want to live through that? You need to have your eyes fully open as this could get a lot worse, you need support systems that are solid and reliable and you need a hard boundary regarding how much of this you are willing to take. I saw so many partners (usually women) who ended up being treated as little more than staff but who were expected to be grateful because of the money/lifestyle provided.

The silent treatment is purile and Id be letting him know it. We all suffer setbacks in our lives but taking it out on our closest family is unfair and he needs to take a hard look at himself and his priorities before he loses his family.
If he didn't get the promotion after working his socks off like that then maybe his face just doesn't fit and he needs to ask them for some honest feedback. Tbh if he's really been working that hard at the expense of his family and still not got the promotion then maybe he'd be better off moving elsewhere if he can. Wouldnt a promotion anyway mean even more work hours?

If it's a 2.5 year process then you offloading a bit a week ago hasn't caused him to not get it. He's had 2.5 years to do this, has chucked everything he has at it by the sounds of it, and it's not paid off. Either he's not as good as he thinks he is - he wouldn't be the first man who thinks replying to emails at 11pm is more important than the actual content of them - or he's so reliable in the job he's in that they don't want to lose him there. Either way not your fault and frankly he's an arsehole if he thinks it is.

So he’s neglected his wife and missed out on his children’s lives all for the sake of climbing the career ladder, then it turns out he probably isn’t as good as he thinks he is anyway? I mean I can see why that would feel shit for him, but I suppose it’s too much to hope it will lead him to do any much-needed soul searching about the need for balance, and where his priorities should actually lie.

What do you get out of this relationship exactly? You’re walking on eggshells, watching your children be ignored and completely lacking in any emotional or practical support by the sounds of things.

Sounds like you’ve supported him plenty by handling everything at home/ all the parenting. I very much doubt that you being stressed/ down in the week before the meeting will have made a difference - from what you’ve said he’s more than capable of ignoring you and tuning you out because he’s been doing it for much of your relationship.

If he really couldn’t manage to deal with both a meeting and an upset wife in the same week, the adult response would have been ‘I’m sorry you’re feeling so low. You obviously need more support and we have stuff to work on, I do want to make sure that happens but I have this huge meeting this week and I really do need to focus on that. I promise once that’s out of the way we will talk properly’.

Thank you so much everyone for the advice and support.

@AFmammaG and @mynameiscalypso I’ve sent you both a PM x

Your op is completely twisted op. It is HIM that has got it all wrong. His priorities are appalling. It's nothing to do with you that he isn't good enough for a promotion. It is to do with him that he's left you to do all the family work or by yourself.
This is quite standard for a mediocre man. Doesn't have the ability to Lord it up at work so takes it out on his family instead.

Yep. Classic workaholic. His bosses can shove the work onto him. Maybe time for him to get a new job as he isn’t being appreciated where he is, or at the least to have a change in attitude. He’ll get respected more if he takes his AL properly (no phone checking)and sets boundaries, and you won’t have to carry all the burden of domestics and child care. If you never have fun times together without work interruptions, no wonder you are getting depressed.

Exactly that. You need to work hard and be good, but anyone worked like him at my place of work they would not get promotion but a serious talk from HR about their inability to manange their time and workload. Part of being senior is knowing how to delegate and manage your workload.

He needs a sharp shock that he is at risk of losing more than a promotion if he keeps this up. He can add divorced dad due to being an inadequate father and husband to his list of failures.

Your husband's priorities are all fucked up.

I know men like your husband. I’ve worked with men like your husband. He will never get promoted and it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. He’s a toxic workaholic (and probably not actually that efficient in his job but thinks he’s indispensable) and the management probably knows that if he gets into any kind of leadership position the toxicity will spread and other staff might leave. If he’s treating you like this at home I doubt he’s a lovely supportive colleague at work….

YANBU. I'm not surprised he didn't get his promotion.

I wouldn't promote someone whose whole life focus was his job, never takes annual leave and who sulks over a failure. In fact in our company he would be required to take four weeks a year.

Good employees are well grounded, balanced, have personal resilience and not suffering from chronic stress.

In a week or two, maybe you could suggest that to him.

He’s a selfish prick, a terrible partner and more importantly, an awful father. Does he think his kids will completely understand and be ok with knowing daddy’s job was more important than they are to hIm? He shouldn’t have had a family if he doesn’t have time for one.

No sweetheart, you can't be blaming yourself for him not getting the promotion. You do realise that you're a person too, with feelings and you matter in the relationship as much as he does. It doesn't matter how unimportant he thinks your stresses and worries are, they were important to you and you needed to offload and discuss. Again you are a person in this marriage and you deserve to be able to do that. He is not treating you like a partnership or a family unit.
Looking at the "what ifs" are pointless, he is a husband and father and he cannot put his career above you all every single time. You need to have a discussion with him and remind him he is an integral part of a family and not a single man, with only his job to consider.

Ach I’m sorry if this sounds harsh, but what is the point of this relationship? He’s never there, doesn’t care about your problems (which are valid) and sounds like he doesn’t like his children either.

As others have said, he’s had his pride dented at work. If we’re being optimistic, he’s lashing out because he knows he’s sacrificed his family for nothing, and in time he’ll realise that work isn’t worth it and he’ll start putting you all first. Less optimistically, he’ll just become nastier and nastier and continue to resent the incredible family he is lucky to have.

I hope it’s the former, but maybe prepare what you plan to do if it turns out to be the latter, because that is no life for you or your children.

WTAF is wrong with him ? Take responsibility for yourself like a man ,instead of blaming your wife! He has worked hard for sure ,but so do many people its not a guarantee of promotion sadly. He needs to get over it and either try again or give up.Maybe his attitude is wrong and a more family friendly guy/girl has got it.

Another man baby throwing out his dummy and having a tantrum.

Maybe just maybe it is this personality trait that stopped him getting his promotion. He’s a hard worker but another candidate still got the promotion over him. That is life!

Hi OP, it’s not your fault. No idea what your DH job is but perhaps he needs to leave look elsewhere. They won’t promote him.

He sounds awful.
His priority is not his marriage and family.
Your poor children.
How convenient that he chooses to blame you.
I can well imagine your mental health is not great living with someone so unpleasant.
What can you do to move forward?
Do you want to be married to someone who clearly has zero interest in his family?

I wouldn't promote him either.

He has no time management, no life outside of work, copes by sulking and would be an appalling line manager.

This is not any way to live. he's a workaholic who leaves everything to you. I'm so sorry, that's not fair on you or dc.