Husband didn’t get promotion and blames me

[2024Mu]

Found out yesterday he didn’t get promoted. I feel really upset for him as it’s been a 2.5 year process so not something that’s happened overnight. He has spent the entire time I have known him (15 years) into his work. He has sacrificed a lot. In all the years I have known him he has NEVER once taken a day off. He even joked had the kids not been born on weekends he would not have been able to attend their births (I know he’s half serious but I’ll never find out as I went into labour with both on a weekend). No matter what is going on he puts work first. I feel disappointed for him as I know how important his work is and I know he deserved the promotion.

He hasn’t said it outright but I know he blames me. He’s very quiet with me and has been giving me silent treatment. The thing is I’ve been really struggling mentally with the kids and other stuff and I didn’t know his big Final meeting was last week when I was really stressed out. I kept telling him my non-important problems. We had a fight as I feel he ignores me. My health hasn’t been very good either so I’ve been down about that. He did once say if he hadn’t married me his life would have been exactly where he needed it to be (career wise).

sorry Voting not clear:
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YOU ARE BEING UNREASONABLE - yes it’s your fault, why stress him out during an important time
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YOU ARE NOT BEING UNREASONABLE- no it’s not your fault he didn’t get promoted.

In all the years I have known him he has NEVER once taken a day off

if he is employed in UK this can't be the case. He wouldn't be able to not take any annual leave including public holidays - his employer wouldn't want to breach employment law for 10 years.

To be brutal if you being stressed was enough to derail his performance then perhaps he wasn’t ready to step up to the next level. I am senior in Financial Services and I have had to go into meetings and perform well even when I have up all night working or with a sick child.

On one occasion I received a phone call telling me a hospitalised close relative had just died just before a key meeting. I couldn’t bail on the meeting at short notice so I had to take some deep breaths and hold it together for an hour.

You being stressed is not the problem, at the level he wants to be he needs strategies to perform even when bombarded from all angles.
One of the things that helps is keeping work in perspective (which is why I am MN on my commute not wading through non-critical messages). His workaholic behaviour is likely damaging his performance because sometimes you need to step back and think more strategically rather than just plough on.

Workaholics are bad at the best of times and horrible when things are not going well for them.

He is totally out of order to blame you for his work issues. You need to have a proper discussion about his priorities and how he treats his family, particularly as all that sacrifice and focus on work has not yielded the success he clearly wanted. That is really important, don't just pussyfoot around him telling him how this is impacting you.

As for his career, he needs to move to another employer. I have never seen anyone who has failed to gain promotion first time have a good career trajectory if they have stayed. He probably has more value in the job market than in his current employer.

Surprised he actually found time in his busy important schedule to have sex with you in order to create the kids TBF.

Sounds like you’d all be much happier if he buggered off.

You're making this about you when it's not.

He hasn't said he blames you so stop making ridiculous assumptions.

The guy has spent 2.5 years working hard for something and it didn't pay off. He is clearly disappointed and will no doubt be really upset. Nothing to do with you.

So stop making it about you and try to support him and cheer him up.

I don't like the sound of him at all and I would be very depressed if I had to live with him. It's as though you and the children are nothing to him.

I would be making very serious plans to separate from him.

I reckon he's not got promoted because he's a workhorse and they'd rather keep him where he is

Yeah we have one in our place. He's there 10 years and still keeps getting passed up for promotions because hes the idiot whose ENTIRE LIFE is his job.

How he performs at work and what promotions he gets has nothing to do with you, obviously.

It's definitely not your fault. You have enabled him to work through holidays etc. It seems like he's good at his job and they want to keep him there in that role. He's naturally upset and needs some time to get over it.

It is difficult dealing with family life and a depressed partner but the reality is that won't affect his work chances
Someone more talented for that role has got it. He needs to adk for feedback and work on that

You are living in a reality distortion.

I think

It is usual to take AL.
It is usual to be a parent to your children.
It is usual to support your spouse emotionally.

You have created a reality where the above aren’t happening and you are trying to gaslight yourself to be ok with it and your emotions are shouting at you that this isn’t right. It isn’t right your husband has created a distortion for the whole family to walk around on egg shells so he doesn’t have to fix whatever it was that made him feel that it is ok to treat you the way he treats you. Get out of the matrix. What he thinks doesn’t matter. Start getting in touch with what you think and feel.

The promotion has gone to someone who:
(a) can manage their work effectively
(b) isn’t an arsehole

I’m amazed you’re still with him. What sort of life is that for anyone? The outcome of the promotion will have been known 6 months before he went into that room. He didn’t get it because he wasn’t ready/hasn’t yet developed the right behaviours/is very poor at time management (likely!) and is nothing to do with you. He’s disappointed and he’s in a grump. Let him get on with it. A bit of failure or disappointment every now and again is good for growth and development.

To be brutal if you being stressed was enough to derail his performance then perhaps he wasn’t ready to step up to the next level.

This.

Him not getting promoted has nothing to do with you.

To be brutal if you being stressed was enough to derail his performance then perhaps he wasn’t ready to step up to the next level.

Absolutely, 100%.

Also, only a scumbag would ignore his children because he didn't get what he wanted.

OP this isn't on you. I couldn't be with someone like him, no chance.

He's a workaholic. Does that suit you and the family? Are your needs being met? (It sounds like no to me.)

Perhaps his employers can see what an unpleasant man he is better than you can OP?

Oh god OP can you leave him? I imagine you haven't been able to work but he presuming earns quite well.
He sounds odious.

So... Your husband is largely 'responsible' for your depression.... 🙄.

You both need to work out what is important to BOTH of you...

OP my dad was a bit like this when we where kids, the only thing he has ever said he regrets about life, is that he worked to much when we where kids. My mum died before they retired so he never got to spend a lot of quality time with her to.
No one ever lay on their death bed and said, I wish I had worked more. He also several times got overlooked for promotion and I expected that they felt he was to valuable in the role he was already in. Ie to good at his current job, and would drop everything else to take a work call unlike others. Making yourself to indispensable can actually be a bad thing.

The fact he didn’t get the job is nothing to do with you, how ridiculous. It is as he was not the best candidate. No matter how highly he thinks of his own abilities, or how much he thinks he was entitled due to grafting, it doesn’t change the fact someone else was better.

it is a bitter pill for him to swallow but do not accept him making it your fault.

Your depression is developed because of zero support from your husband and constantly making yourself available for EVERYONE other than you!! I honestly get how important his work is BUT where does that leave you and his family. The very fact he made the comment "if he hadn’t married me his life would have been exactly where he needed it to be (career wise)." highlights how he feels! I feel this could go two ways.

1. He will realize his job is not the be all. It sucks the life out of him and he needs to do something about it i.e step back

2. throw himself even deeper into work and you will become even more sick.

You are given him the picturesque family without the responsibility. Yet you are the one developing serious sickness. You literally depressed and you are worried about how he feels!! This is not ok!

He values his employment more than you and his family - time for a serious think about if you really want this man in your life. It doesn’t sound like he’s been much of a father to your DCs.
It’s NOT your fault he didn’t get the job, he needs to step back and look at what he stands to lose.
Stay strong sweetheart, you know we are all behind you on this 💐

And illegal? From your post he sounds awful, what do you mean 'non important problems'? Who said they were non important?
Is his the only household income?

This - Emotional Abuse. It must stop immediately, or he needs to take his abusive arse out of the family home. Tosser.

Thiiiiis. You've sacrificed for his career! He sounds fucking awful OP. No wonder you're feeling down x