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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Friend making plan to meet up several weeks in advance.

220 replies

Longlazyday · 28/05/2024 23:05

Am I being unreasonable to consider let this friendship go?

Messaged a friend to suggest meeting for a coffee. They have suggested August. 🙄

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 03/06/2024 06:58

I would hate to have my life so meticulously planned out so far ahead.

Obviously, I have some commitments, but not to this level and the nth degree.

I like to be more spontaneous.

Feelingstrange2 · 03/06/2024 06:58

I've recently arranged to meet 2 mates in August. We compared diaries and, with holidays, work commitments, etc August was the first time all 3 of us were available!

WhatNoRaisins · 03/06/2024 06:58

I'm having similar with a friend and I'm wondering if I should just accept that they've moved on. It's more like a theoretical friendship than an actual one right now.

Mummaoffour1234 · 03/06/2024 07:31

PlaygroundSusie · 02/06/2024 14:01

Genuine question for people who lead very busy lives, and can't fit their friends in for a coffee until months in advance: would you be offended if your friend cancelled the coffee date a week or two beforehand because something "better" arose? For example, if her favourite artist was coming to town to do a one-off gig? Or if she was invited to another friend's birthday BBQ?

Would you think that was rude? Or just a natural consequence of attempting to book a casual meet-up so far in advance?

I’d completely understand if a friend cancelled especially if they were up front and honest about it. How often does your favourite artist come into town? Go for it I’d say! Tell me all about it when we’ve rearranged our coffee date. I don’t think we should put so much pressure on each other.

Orders76 · 03/06/2024 08:18

RampantIvy · 03/06/2024 06:58

I would hate to have my life so meticulously planned out so far ahead.

Obviously, I have some commitments, but not to this level and the nth degree.

I like to be more spontaneous.

I have a friend who's 'spontaneous' and sometimes just turns up. It's an absolute irritation and usually leads to everyone having about ten minutes of distracted chat with her before they have to go to Timmy's football or Jane's horseriding.

RampantIvy · 03/06/2024 08:19

I'm not that spontaneous @Orders76 Grin
I do things at a few days or a couple of weeks notice, not months, and I wouldn't just turn up at someone's house without prior agreement.

Katbum · 03/06/2024 17:49

Longlazyday · 28/05/2024 23:22

@IHopeYouStepOnALegPiece - I think that’s the issue, absence of a discussion so not possible to be mindful of what’s going. I feel I’m being kept at a distance or I value the friendship more. So there is an imbalance. I think this is it.

Yes I get this. I had a friend I considered very close and she was always booked up months in advance, never five minutes for a quick chat or last minute coffee. I literally have friends living in the US who I see/contact more spontaneously. It wasn’t so much the busyness as the fact I just didn’t know what was going on in her life. Coffee once or twice a year booked months in advance is more like a work meeting than a friendship. I let it slide and have never regretted it.

L26 · 03/06/2024 19:39

You would end a friendship over that?
imagine if she is struggling at the moment with her mental well-being, has too much on at the moment, needs to take the spare time she does have to look after herself.
there could be a whole host of legitimate reasons. It’s not all about you!

RampantIvy · 03/06/2024 19:46

L26 · 03/06/2024 19:39

You would end a friendship over that?
imagine if she is struggling at the moment with her mental well-being, has too much on at the moment, needs to take the spare time she does have to look after herself.
there could be a whole host of legitimate reasons. It’s not all about you!

We don't know that, and I'm pretty sure that someone struggling with their mental health wouldn't just say that they aren't free until August.

Cityandmakeup · 03/06/2024 19:47

I’d just leave to and go my own way

WhatNoRaisins · 03/06/2024 20:07

I don't think it's necessarily a case of choosing to end the friendship. It's a two way street and if contact continues to dwindle there comes a point where it's no longer a friendship. It's just two people that used to be close.

Northe · 04/06/2024 01:59

Totally normal I think. Chuck a holiday and a couple of birthdays or deadlines in there and it's August. If you desperately need to talk, be direct but if you are really just checking in, August sounds lovely. Get some cake with that coffee too and have a lovely time!

KimberleyClark · 04/06/2024 07:01

Katbum · 03/06/2024 17:49

Yes I get this. I had a friend I considered very close and she was always booked up months in advance, never five minutes for a quick chat or last minute coffee. I literally have friends living in the US who I see/contact more spontaneously. It wasn’t so much the busyness as the fact I just didn’t know what was going on in her life. Coffee once or twice a year booked months in advance is more like a work meeting than a friendship. I let it slide and have never regretted it.

I agree. I just don’t believe people are that booked up that far in advance (unless they’re royals or heads of state), but some people certainly like to give that impression - look how popular/important/in demand I am, and I know people who are on principle never available at less than a couple of weeks’ notice - even if they could fit you in they won’t because they don’t want to give the impression they have free time.

Handsomesquidward · 04/06/2024 07:02

KimberleyClark · 04/06/2024 07:01

I agree. I just don’t believe people are that booked up that far in advance (unless they’re royals or heads of state), but some people certainly like to give that impression - look how popular/important/in demand I am, and I know people who are on principle never available at less than a couple of weeks’ notice - even if they could fit you in they won’t because they don’t want to give the impression they have free time.

Totally agree. It's all about status, people who drone on about how they're soo busy are honestly boring.

Handsomesquidward · 04/06/2024 07:03

I bet even Beyonce isn't as booked up as some of these people claim 🤣

RampantIvy · 04/06/2024 07:52

but some people certainly like to give that impression - look how popular/important/in demand I am, and I know people who are on principle never available at less than a couple of weeks’ notice - even if they could fit you in they won’t because they don’t want to give the impression they have free time.

They are so full of their self importance aren't they? I have regular commitments as I volunteer with a charity, and I work, but that doesn't mean I don't have a couple of hours to spare to have a coffee with a friend

This was doing the rounds on the internet a few years ago, and I think it is still very relevant today.

A professor stood before his philosophy class. He slowly met the eyes of each student and finally said, “We are going to conduct an experiment today.” From under the laminate table in front of the lecture hall, he pulled out a big glass mason jar and gently placed it in front of him. Next, he pulled out a bag of stones. A small murmur resonated among the students as he placed the stones in the jar one by one until there wasn’t any room to add another.

The professor lifted his gaze to his class and asked, “Is the jar full?” Many of the students replied, “Yes.” The professor paused for a moment. While reaching under the table he asked, “Really?”

He pulled out a bag full of pebbles which he carefully poured into the jar, rattling the container so the pebbles could easily slip through the larger stones and settle throughout the jar. “So tell, me,” he asked the class, “Was the jar really full when all it had was stones in it?

“Apparently not,” replied one of the students in the second row. “Is the jar full now?” asked the professor. There was silence in the room. At last he heard a meek voice off the right, “No?” “Correct.” The professor pulled out another bag. This one was full of sand which he cautiously poured into the jar. The sand filled in the spaces between the stones and the pebbles.

“Is the jar full?” Without hesitation, the students replied, “No” in unison. “Correct,” replied the professor. He now reached under the table and took out two cups of steaming coffee and poured them into the jar until it was absolutely full. The professor lifted his gaze and asked, “If this jar represents your life, what does this experiment show you?”

The young lady in the third row blurted out, “No matter how busy we think we are, we can always take on more.” “That is one view, but eventually you will burn out,” replied the professor. “Another view is that the large stones represent the big things in your life, things that are important to you. Set your priorities. If you don’t place them in your jar first, you’ll never have room for them later. You’ll be just busy working small stuff, the pebbles and the sand.”

“But what about the coffee?” asked someone from the back row.

The professor smiled. “I’m glad you picked up on that. No matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a cup of coffee with a friend.”

Orders76 · 04/06/2024 07:55

I definitely don't give off 'i'm important vibes'.
It's more like someone hurtling downhill on a bike juggling the laundry and keeping 5 plates spinning. Absolutely not grandiose and if someone takes that from it, it would be more about them tbh.

Mummaoffour1234 · 04/06/2024 08:27

Handsomesquidward · 04/06/2024 07:03

I bet even Beyonce isn't as booked up as some of these people claim 🤣

Pretty sure Beyoncé doesn’t do her own housework!

benfoldsfivefan · 04/06/2024 08:29

For crying out loud, we’re talking one bloody coffee with a friend who lives in your area (in the case of the OP). How long does that last for including travel - two hours? You’re not that busy, you just think of that person as an acquaintance.

Handsomesquidward · 04/06/2024 08:35

I have a friend like that, "I can fit you in the diary for 2 hours on the 98th of never" lol yawn

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