Friend making plan to meet up several weeks in advance.

[Longlazyday]

Am I being unreasonable to consider let this friendship go?

Messaged a friend to suggest meeting for a coffee. They have suggested August. 🙄

I’m not free til August, this just seems like normal life!

Me and my partner arrange weekends with friends weeks in advance, we don't tell them reasons why we can't meet sooner, it's none of their business just like why they're busy is none of ours. I wouldn't sack a friendship off just because they can't meet until then. They may be busy and just don't feel the need to divulge why

I have to book 6 months in advance to see a lot if my friendship group tbh. We just accept that we are incapable of meeting up and have a daily whatsapp instead.

I don't see it as a big deal and cba with someone who thinks it is.

Thankfully my friendship group seems to be pretty similar.

I have an army of children, job and on the PTA - if I’m arranging a coffee with anyone it’s because they are worth a lot because I have no time so doing anything for myself means letting something else go. Also lots of people say “coffee” and it’s like two hours which is a lot when you’re busy x

Exactly, hence allocating people decent time to talk

Think most adults take this long to coordinate diaries. Life is busy when you only have weekends then at the weekends have to fit in multiple friends, family, caring responsibilities for elderly/children and then their own needs. Combine this with another adults(s) and it takes ages to sort something.

Is this response a one off or does it always take her ages to make herself available?

Just agree the date in advance and if she cancels it then just invest less effort on your part.

I have a friend who always wants to meet up (more a work colleague who was trying to be a friend) and I found it really smothering as I had my whole life to juggle and honestly didn’t fancy adding her to the mix. Thankfully she I think got the hint and has backed off. My best friend lives 45 mins drive and see her 4 x per year ish with the kids due to the juggle. We message loads.

I am like this - I have diagnosed adhd and find it very hard to plan. I also tend to book things way ahead as I think about the near future and I feel very overwhelmed

Genuine question for people who lead very busy lives, and can't fit their friends in for a coffee until months in advance: would you be offended if your friend cancelled the coffee date a week or two beforehand because something "better" arose? For example, if her favourite artist was coming to town to do a one-off gig? Or if she was invited to another friend's birthday BBQ?

Would you think that was rude? Or just a natural consequence of attempting to book a casual meet-up so far in advance?

Honestly busy people need to plan in advance, I rely on routine (her job or hobby may be more demanding than you think)

For me, personally, I think you have a higher need than this friendship acn accommodate and actually I would struggle with your demands. I only give my time to my kids / work / partner and even my parents I have to schedule in like This.

I need to do this as my career is demanding, I am a parent but also I have a busy hobby (train 12 hours a week and compete weekends) along with busy social life but I also need rest and down time. You should either respect her boundaries or call it a day because you need more

If it happens regularly, sack it off.

@hendoop but if you only give your time to kids, work and your partner then that solves the problem anyway as you can’t have any friends. Some people are fine with that but then they shouldn’t pretend that they want friends whilst at the same time put them at the very bottom of their list of priorities.

No I give my time to my friends too but I schedule that in as it enables me to plan and adjust my schedule appropriately

For me, i train with friends and speak daily on the phone to some etc, but for planned meet ups i need to schedule it in

Possibly due to me being ND but I need to plan my schedule well in advance, to ensure I get the down time

Having plans every single weekend between now and August is just ridiculous. No, I'm not jealous, just can't imagine having everything planned like that to the finest detail and always having something on, sounds an absolute nightmare

I think in tandem with planning in advance both sides have to be flexible.
I absolutely try never to cancel, but have had to move by couple of weeks as have friends due to life!

By the way if I juggle something within 2 weeks I'm then sacrificing my down time, family time or relationship time because that friendship is so important to me.

I only have six days free between now and August. And two of them will probably be used up by my parents visiting. If my friend was similarly busy, I can imagine us not finding compatible days until then. Doesn't mean we don't care.

YABU.

I have very few weekends free between now and August. Over the summer quite a bit of my work falls on a Saturday (conferences) or I’m travelling home on a Saturday from working away.

Welcome to adulthood. We have busy lives, I see some of my closest friends once a year but they are still my closest friends. I just have a shit load of responsibility. It’s always great when we meet up. You should chill 😎

Honestly if you were my friend you'd be lucky to see me before September now. My youngest is getting ready to leave primary school and there's so many events planned for that. My eldest is starting his mock GCSEs, middle child is currently in 2 rugby teams (1 league, 1 union).
Add to that housework and actual work - if I have an hour free I'm going to take that hour for myself - I'm not going to be planning quick coffee with someone.
A quick coffee is a spur of the moment "I'm going for a coffee in a bit are you free" thing.

I think some people just like to feel busy / popular / important. I can’t imagine not wanting to make time for my friends, and would probably stop trying to make plans with anyone who couldn’t have one quick coffee in months.

Another question for the perpetually busy, would you be sad if a friend gave up on you because you didn't have any time for them or would it be a relief?

Totally normal, had a date in recently with a friend then her daughter had an important last minute sporting event crop up.

We’ve rescheduled, no drama, nobody taking offence.

But equally if I didn’t have plans like this I’d never see the friends or family I want to catch up with, we don’t all live locally, people have commitments, it works for me and the other option would be actively turning down invites or not making plans at all.

I'm dealing with the same.
I have a friend who used to work Term time hours and now works regular hours. It used to be difficult to meet up because of this.
Ive just changed jobs and because I've just had 3 wks holiday so dont have a lot of annual leave left.
I suggested end of July but, surprise, she can only manage one evening.
I don't drive so would prefer a daytime but apparently she is fully booked.
To me it feels like her way of proving how popular she is. It makes me feel 2nd class.
Im already suggesting a date in December which is crazy!!