Friend making plan to meet up several weeks in advance.

[Longlazyday]

Am I being unreasonable to consider let this friendship go?

Messaged a friend to suggest meeting for a coffee. They have suggested August. 🙄

It could be anything. A health issue which she doesn’t want to disclose for fear of worrying you, a divorce, illness in the family, money troubles. I wouldn’t be so quick to judge. Wait and see what she has to say in August. It would be a shame to write off a friendship on the say so of complete strangers.

Don't feel it's rude, think of phrasing it from a concerned friend
Something like
" That's a long way off, are things ok with you?"

That wouldn't be a viable friendship for me if we live in the same city (different if you live far apart). I wouldn't fall out about it but I would mentally downgrade them to Facebook Friend and leave it to them to make contact if they want to. I value friends who want to hang out together, I don't see the point otherwise.

This^
I wouldn’t write her off completely, I would give her chance to explain, however August might be the earliest when she’ll be able to explain you. It might be new relationship, she might be retraining, she might be moving house. If it’s the fist time I would give the benefit of doubt.

Surely if you were good friends, though, you'd just chat it through, send a few messages explaining why you couldn't meet up, and seeing if that might work for the other person (who might be away in August as its holiday season). I would not just give a date, if it were longer than a couple of weeks I'd explain, if no explanation is offered, it wouldn't be typical of how me and my friends organize stuff, even those that are far away as we talk about what's going on in our lives in a fairly upfront way.

I think that's really respectful
But you don't need to let the friendship go based on it being a while, why is that an issue for you?

I would mark the date in my diary and meet up, I go with I want to meet up or not I dont need to come up with some back story of some weird hierarchy thing, the meet up happens or not

Same here. As with many households, we are quite busy.

I have a friend like this, she squeezes me into the most random time half hour / hour timeslots, weeks in advance for a shitty coffee where the coffee is just her 'passing through'. Fuck that.

My friend is like this. It's irritating but she can't do more than one thing at a time. Like she can't go for drinks on a Saturday night because her daughter has a gymnastics competition on Sunday. It's annoying but in fairness to her once it's arranged It's written in stone. It's better than another friend who always seems available but cancels all the time.

You can always ask why she is so busy. Careful though, I did something similar and got a 12 minute voice note explaining friends DS sporting schedule, her medical appointments, work deadlines and her DHs shift work rota (which wasn't even relevant)!

What's the history here? Is she a long standing close friend or a casual acquaintance? Have you previously felt like she doesn't have time for you?

To be honest, if she's a close friend and this isn't a repeated issue, I think you're being fairly OTT to write her off just because she's no free time for the next few weekends - especially when you didn't give her any context to suggest you needed to see her urgently.

I also think you're over-reacting when you imply she isn't being open and honest with you and therefore isn't a true friend. These were passing messages about a coffee - if you want to know how she is, ask her. Though even then if she does have something going on maybe she needs to work through it herself first.

I'm sorry OP but you sound really needy and you need to not make this all about you.

Welcome the questions - making me think about what a friendship means to me, and perhaps how I come across. This is not what I need and I cannot offer what they need from me.

I think you are being incredibly precious. Someone being very busy isn't a personal insult to you. It's not about them not prioritising you it's about them having made other plans or have other commitments made prior to you asking to meet...
Tbh if anyone asked to meet up with me at the moment I would have to set a date in August.. it wouldn't matter who they were.. I'm just booked up with various appointments, child related activities and commitments I've already made with people.
August isn't actually that far off.
That said you should end a friendship if you want to as if you need someone with more time to offer you then fair enough... but I do personally think it's a bit silly to get the hump over someone being busy. Especially if it's a long time friend. It's not like they haven't got back to you or ignored you or put you off.. theyve given a specific date they could meet up. That indicates they do care about the friendship. Clearly they just have a busy summer.

I think there are two types of people in the world - those who aren’t free til August, and those whose social lives are more spontaneous and have fewer pre-planned activities (like clubs, classes etc). Generally they’re not compatible. Now, I can see how having multiple kids with activities and hobbies of your own would take up several time slots per week but I do struggle to understand how anyone can be booked up every single day until August. It’s just alien to me. I’m the kind of person who’d message a friend at lunchtime to see if they fancied a drink that evening, and have cultivated friendships with similar people. That’s probably equally alien to the planners.

@Ratisshortforratthew Yep. Exactly.

I think you're being quite precious. Why assume the worst, that this means she secretly doesn't care about you and is putting you off, when you could just take her word that she's very busy?

Alternatively, I've known many people who can only seem to get their head around planning one thing per day. My mother is one. I'll ask if she wants to go somewhere for the afternoon and she'll say "oh no I can't, I'm doing so and so in the morning". She just really can't seem to cope with having lots going on in one day. But it's not any reflection on me.

Also... some people are just more popular than others. If she's got lots of people messaging her to meet, she will have to schedule further in advance.

In terms of priorities, if someone messages me, I arrange for the nearest possible date. If a good friend who I really love wants to meet, the same still applies - I'm not going to mess other people around and change plans with people I've already arranged something with. To me that is very rude and disrespectful.

YANBU. That would piss me off, just take the message that you are quite irrelevant to her and invest in other friendships.

I wouldn't call this person a friend if they can't fit a ad hoc hour coffee meet up in for like 12 weeks ffs.

It doesn't sound as if you like her very much tbh op. You're also quite easily offended. She might be busy/stressed right now. It's probably not about you.

That’s me. It’s almost June. Kids finish school early July and I won’t book anything social for the last 2 weeks of term because there are so many school events that suggest parental attendance that I need to keep my diary free so I can juggle work commitments. First 3 weeks of term had social gaps filled months ago. Then we go on holiday for the middle 2 weeks in July, then I won’t book anything social for the week we get back because I’ll be too busy catching up with work post holiday….then it’s August. I work 4 days a week and on my day off do an exercise class, catch up with house admin and see a friend if there is time. I don’t socialise on school nights. I’m going to assume the OP doesn’t work and /or have kids because I’m not really an outlier in the world of working mums.

@ControlShiftDelete if they work ft and are a single parent when are they supposed to fit you in? Or have a husband who works away during the week, so they want to prioritise family time at the weekend? It’s really not that hard to imagine.

I should add that if a friend phoned me in crisis I would (and have) dropped everything for them….

Yes it would be insanely rude and intense to challenge the date you’ve been offered.

Im amazed at the intensity of this whole thread - people have busy lives or maybe she has other priorities. You said you’re not that close and not good enough friends for an honest conversation, so there you are! But even if you were best friends she may still well have other plans. She’s suggested a date that works for her. I’m sorry but if someone reacted like this to me it would be me putting the relationship on ice. Far far too needy and entitled.

Sounds like your looking for an excuse to cut her off tbh!