Friend making plan to meet up several weeks in advance.

[Longlazyday]

Am I being unreasonable to consider let this friendship go?

Messaged a friend to suggest meeting for a coffee. They have suggested August. 🙄

Exactly.

This is a classic situation where the other person just isn’t into the other person as much as the other person is into them, otherwise she’d easily find the time for the OP. She thinks of the OP as an acquaintance, a true friend would easily see you for an hour within the next month or so.

If you’ve got kids who play a sport, hobbies yourself, a social life, job etc - your diary fills up pretty quickly. If a friend asked me today to meet up on a weekend, it’d be late July before I’m free. People’s lives are busy - get the date booked in, something to look forward to & pick your next date whilst you’re together. Have a lovely time :-)

To be honest: “why are you so busy?” comes across as bossy and nosy.

It’s none of your business why she’s busy. Your post implies that there’s something wrong with being busy.

I am pretty busy and on weekends when there’s nothing in the diary I crave downtime and not having to schedule something. There are all kinds of reasons why she might be busy and she’s not obligated to justify this to you!

More info is needed. Do they live near you/what job do they do/do they have young children.

It is hard to give an answer as it depends on the above. If they are single and fancy free working nearby, then get rid as they have you well down their list of priorities. If they are miles away or kids etc then August might not be so bad.

Though for me personally if I had to wait two months simply to have a coffee each time, I would be fazing them out, that's just me though.

People are busy. I work part time, meeting up is limited because I priorise my family first and any appointments I have. Childcare also can be an issue so sometimes we book things months in advance.

What are her actual dynamics. Work, kids, husband?

Busy, busy, busy - we’re all so busy.

But anyone who is too busy to meet a friend for a coffee for one hour - the friend who lives in the same town as you - has no concept of friendship or just doesn’t care enough.

If August is the first schedule-able free time they have, maybe you need to offer an alternative - perhaps her and her family can come to you for dinner? or you can offer to bring coffee and meet her on the sidelines of her kids sports matches? Or you could offer to go along to softplay with them, so the kids are occupied whilst you have coffee?

Parents are often juggling so many things - its not unusual for them to not be 'free' to do something, particularly if they've got childcare to consider too! But that doesn't mean you can't work it around what she can do - drop her a message, and say something like 'August is really far away! I'd love to see you before then, I'm happy to come to you, or for you and the kids to come to me, or we can go somewhere like a park or softplay with them. Let me know what would work for you!'

I can’t meet any friends at the moment, I am taking final exams and it’s been like this for months. Others might have elderly parents to deal with, or health issues. I don’t think it’s beyond the realms of friendship to look beyond yourself and what you want and consider why a friend can’t make a single coffee.

I know this is so well meaning and lovely and kind, but I'd take it badly and would feel pressure to now fit said friend into coffee when I'm making the kids tea, juggling the kids over to theirs, or worst of all trying to watch kids in a soft play while talking. My friend would be getting zero focus.
I so much prefer pencilling in when I can give them 100%

Some friends will say sorry can't meet before X because of....I have other friends who just don't say which I find a little annoying. I find weekends really busy so often suggest meeting for coffee at lunchtime or breakfast, is that an option?

Think I let it fizzle out op.. if friends want see you they will. Im finding though months can pass due to elder parents, work, kids sport at wends months are just gone by.

That's absolutely fine too, and probably heavily depends on the age of your kids too, and the nature of the friendship!
A toddler in a softplay - probably not an ideal environment for a coffee with a friend, an 8 year old and a 9 year old, probably fine to go 'just go play for half an hour, I'm having a coffee'. Just presenting an option for OP which no one else seemed to have.

A lot of time I've seen my local friends over the last few months has been with a 'well I'm doing this on that day, but you're welcome to come along' or a 'I'd love to come to a games night, but I promised another friend I'd do something with them as they need some company, would it be ok to bring them along?' or 'I can't make that, husband is at a sports thing so I've got the kids' 'Oh it's fine to bring them along, they can either join us or sit in the other room reading or watching tv and just join us for food'.
All fine to say, but would be a contributing factor in 'I don't have any free time for the next two months'. l.

This is me too. I am often booked up with things 6 weeks or so into the future. Also, if I've made lots of social plans, I can find myself overcommitting, so if rather put a date in a while away than cancel someone at the last minute because I've been out 4 times that week and am feeling overwhelmed.

I’m amazed the thread continues to be so lively, and the volume of people who have responded.

I felt hurt when I posted, for reason given above. I feel OK now our expectations differ, neither right nor wrong.

This has been such an interesting read.

I'm really pleased the thread has given you other perspectives, especially that you may still be important to your friend and don't bin a good friend over schedule problems!

Yeah, I've just stopped bothering with a couple of friendships where it's 'Oh we must meet up soon!' and when I suggest dates and times it becomes 'ooh sorry, bit busy until March 2026 so I don't know...' I've plenty of stuff on, myself - I don't just sit here in a rocking chair, smoking and knitting and waiting for people to fill my time. But there are people I love to meet up with and talk with, and I make time for them. If others don't want to do the same, then they're obviously not bothered, so I stop asking.

Ask her if she can make 12th October.

OP, I hear you. I don't think you're unreasonable.

Can I advance another theory? I have a friend similar to yours. She works a 9-5 weekday job, no partner, no kids, no dependents. She lives in a small, low-maintenance apartment. She goes to church once a week, but (aside from work) that's the only commitment she's got.

And yet... whenever we make plans for a casual coffee, she normally asks for a date that's anywhere between 3-7 weeks in advance. That's because (in her own words) she likes to space out her social events. As she has a somewhat limited social life, she tries to avoid a situation where she sees 3 friends (separately) in one weekend, then sits at home by herself for the remainder of the month. So (for example) if she's arranged to have coffee with Friend A for Saturday June 8, and Friend B invites her for brunch on Sunday June 9, she'll push back Friend B until the following weekend.

Most of the time I just roll with it. Where it becomes problematic is when we've arranged to have a casual coffee weeks in advance, but then something comes up in the interim for the same date/time that I'd much rather attend. (For example, one of my favourite authors unexpectedly comes to town to give a one-off talk, etc). It then means I have to forgo the event I'd rather attend, because it would otherwise mean cancelling on my friend. And when the coffee date has been planned so far in advance, it somehow feels ruder to cancel, if that makes any sense?

@ICantThinkofAnythingClever I get being annoyed if you break plans but something like a bereavement should attract some understanding

So what are you going to do @Longlazyday ?

I think you should ignore their ridiculous suggestion of coffee in August (you suggested a coffee for God's sake, not a big get-together) and see less passive aggressive people.

@PlaygroundSusie I think you’re spot on. I suspect this person intentionally spaces out plans to enable them to have a consistent rather than sporadic social life. I am doing the same but coming at it from a different mindset.

@Hotttchoc I have strategies:

Provide a specific time frame - ‘do you have any free time in the next couple of weeks?’ Or,

Match the offer with something additional- ‘going to an exhibition, like to join me?’ We have a ready made connection. I felt under pressure to ‘deliver’ something. When you meet rarely and then have to sit and engage from no connection, I felt a pressure as though a first date.

From a selfish point of view, as @PlaygroundSusie says, coffee can be anytime event, I would prefer not to be glued to arrangement and to miss out on a ‘one-off’ possibility.

So going forward, will nurture the friendship but through shared interests rather than a personal connection.

Thanks all for your contributions and insights.

Though still bear in mind, they might be hoping this ‘friendship’ gently slips away 😉

are you my friend? 😂 I think this is quite normal in my friendship group at least. We all work full time, have kids who have hobbies and commitments. I prefer not to do more than one activity on a weekend just because I need the other day for household tasks, food shopping etc and relaxing at some point. So it’s hard to get diaries to match up. You sound a lot less busy than she is which is probably why you can’t understand this advance planning. Between now and end of summer I have one weekend in July free then nothing until August bank holiday 🤣 why don’t you suggest dinner out one evening. Something quick and casual like a chain restaurant? That’s normally what my friends and I do otherwise we’d see each other once a year at best.