Page 6 | Friend making plan to meet up several weeks in advance.

Longlazyday · 2024-05-28T22:05:03+00:00

Am I being unreasonable to consider let this friendship go? Messaged a friend to suggest meeting for a coffee. They have suggested August. 🙄

Jo7890123 · 29/05/2024 13:23

DelilahBucket · 29/05/2024 11:01

You obviously didn't read my previous post. My point is, I wouldn't have time for a coffee on a weekend until August either unless you happened to be available this Sunday. My last remaining weekend day in the interim has now gone to my mum, who I would definitely prioritise over coffee with a friend.

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I certainly read your post, but was trying to bring it back to being about the OPs situation a little...either way, neither you, nor the OPs friend, were asked to do anything at the drop of a hat, which means 'immediately', you were exaggerating somewhat, that was my point 😊

https://dictionary.cambridge.org/us/dictionary/english/at-the-drop-of-a-hat

at the drop of a hat

1. If you do something at the drop of a hat, you do it immediately without…

https://dictionary.cambridge.org/us/dictionary/english/at-the-drop-of-a-hat

DelilahBucket · 29/05/2024 13:31

Jo7890123 · 29/05/2024 13:23

I certainly read your post, but was trying to bring it back to being about the OPs situation a little...either way, neither you, nor the OPs friend, were asked to do anything at the drop of a hat, which means 'immediately', you were exaggerating somewhat, that was my point 😊

https://dictionary.cambridge.org/us/dictionary/english/at-the-drop-of-a-hat

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Yes I was exaggerating, but my post was aimed at all those saying they should ditch the friend because they aren't available when they think they should be, not the OP themselves. I think you entirely missed the point just so you could be pedantic. Well done.

TommyWooWoo · 29/05/2024 14:19

I arrange stuff this far in advance with friends - we just all have so much going on with families, work, sport, etc. And actually, even though its 'only an hour' - sometimes its about the headspace - I might easily be able to squeeze someone in on a day when I have other things on - but it all just feels a bit manic and stressful to do that, and I'd rather wait and do it on a day when I have nothing else on. I also might prefer to know that I don't have to cut a conversation short because I've got to rush off to pick DS up from somewhere or something.

Oblomov24 · 29/05/2024 14:57

Depends. Loads of people live life like this. I choose not to. We have most weekends free. A few concerts, do's, BBQ's and parties booked.

wintersgold · 29/05/2024 15:01

betterangels · 29/05/2024 08:41

It does. People are busy, and we're going into prime holiday time as well when many are away. It probably isn't the personal insult you perceive it to be.

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Too busy for a coffee for the next 2 months, really?

Beautiful3 · 29/05/2024 15:43

I have a friend who is always fully booked for 6-8 weeks. She is always going out/away etc. When we organise anything, it's always far away! But it's not on purpose, she loves to be busy and books things in, every weekend.

betterangels · 29/05/2024 16:48

wintersgold · 29/05/2024 15:01

Too busy for a coffee for the next 2 months, really?

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I mean, yes. I have friends like that. Sometimes, I am that friend. We make it work because we like each other and want to catch up.

It's OP's choice to take this as a personal slight. She can act accordingly and choose not to continue the friendship.

Hotttchoc · 29/05/2024 16:52

It's OP's choice to take this as a personal slight. She can act accordingly and choose not to continue the friendship.

100%

MessageOnAWall · 29/05/2024 16:56

FredericC · 29/05/2024 11:58

I think it's probably a bit of main character syndrome. They see themselves as the main character in everyone else's life and then get a bit fussy if they aren't treated like the most important priority by everyone all the time. These people can find it hard to sustain friendships and let them go quickly rather than risk being let go as it's too much of a blow to their ego.

Edited

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Wow, that's a bit harsh!
It's hardly seeing yourself as the main character to want to actually have a shared friendship where you see each other. If you're not doing that, you're not really having a friendship, are you? There's a huge imbalance if one person wants to share time together and the other doesn't, it's hardly a recipe for good mental health to keep going back to it - better to invest time and energy in those who do want a friendship.

If someone doesn't have time for you, it can be that they don't really want to make time, or that they're genuinely too busy and have plenty of other, closer friends. Either way, you'd think they'd be relieved if you stopped asking them.

Hotttchoc · 29/05/2024 17:00

@MessageOnAWall But the friend isn't refusing to see OP. She just is busy for a few weekends as a lot of people are.

It could be that OP is not a priority but it's hard to know if she doesn't ask.

MessageOnAWall · 29/05/2024 17:05

itsgettingweird · 29/05/2024 11:52

Are you really incompatible as friends? Will you have a good time when she's free?

Seems daft to end what's a good friendship based on differing diaries and will to fill them up. You could end up very lonely if you do this to everyone who is busy.

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With respect, OP could end up very lonely if she pursues friendships where the other people are too busy to meet up.

Not saying she should dramatically cut the friend out, but just realise it's more of an acquaintance type friendship now, and put her social effort elsewhere.

MessageOnAWall · 29/05/2024 17:14

Hotttchoc · 29/05/2024 17:00

@MessageOnAWall But the friend isn't refusing to see OP. She just is busy for a few weekends as a lot of people are.

It could be that OP is not a priority but it's hard to know if she doesn't ask.

I didn't mean to imply the friend was refusing to see OP - just for whatever reason (as you say, we don't know what) she doesn't have time to really spend time together. So for whatever reason they can't have an active friendship (obvs doesn't mean OP has to cut her out completely).

Out of interest - how would you suggest OP ask? Surely that would be excruciating for both of them. Or are you thinking PP's suggestion of gently probing to see if everything's ok?

Hotttchoc · 29/05/2024 17:17

MessageOnAWall · 29/05/2024 17:14

I didn't mean to imply the friend was refusing to see OP - just for whatever reason (as you say, we don't know what) she doesn't have time to really spend time together. So for whatever reason they can't have an active friendship (obvs doesn't mean OP has to cut her out completely).

Out of interest - how would you suggest OP ask? Surely that would be excruciating for both of them. Or are you thinking PP's suggestion of gently probing to see if everything's ok?

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I'm not really suggesting she has but note PP's have suggested noting it's a long time off and is everything okay.

I wouldn't do that but I am saying that we don't know what the friend's reasons are for not seeing her but I'd probably assume she's just busy unless there are other signs of lack of interest or not being a good friend

Ferngardens · 29/05/2024 17:21

Sometimes I think it's an incompatibility thing and how people prioritise friendships and relationships. I have a friend who is a teacher, part time and she only wants to meet in the holidays. I work full time so don't have all the holidays off, it makes it really hard to meet. Personally even if I'm busy or tired I make time for people but not everyone does. I'm sorry op because it is frustrating.

wintersgold · 29/05/2024 17:59

betterangels · 29/05/2024 16:48

I mean, yes. I have friends like that. Sometimes, I am that friend. We make it work because we like each other and want to catch up.

It's OP's choice to take this as a personal slight. She can act accordingly and choose not to continue the friendship.

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I've worked 60-80 hour work weeks in the past and dealt with family issues at the same time - and even then I could always spare an hour for coffee with a close friend. I don't think I'll ever understand your point of view

Ferngardens · 29/05/2024 18:03

@wintersgold exactly, it's whether you see it as a chore or something that makes all that hard work and time sorting family out a bit more bearable. I would say though that my friends who struggle to meet are the ones that struggle most with MH and there can be something there. I think relationships help with that side of things

Icehockeyflowers · 29/05/2024 18:03

Can you both meet at any hour or is it at a specific time only? I can see why eg 6-7 won’t suit ppl if they/their DH/their kids always have something on at a certain time but if there is flexibility, then I think you have to accept that she doesn’t want to see you instead of can’t see you. I can see why that is hurtful.

Frostfable · 29/05/2024 22:22

There are so many threads on here upset they have no friends now I know why!

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 29/05/2024 22:27

Frostfable · 29/05/2024 22:22

There are so many threads on here upset they have no friends now I know why!

Why is that then? Do enlighten everyone.

WhatNoRaisins · 30/05/2024 06:46

If you ask me its because a lot of people prefer to prioritise "my little family" and busyness but no one's asking me 😁.

Orders76 · 30/05/2024 10:29

Ferngardens · 29/05/2024 18:03

@wintersgold exactly, it's whether you see it as a chore or something that makes all that hard work and time sorting family out a bit more bearable. I would say though that my friends who struggle to meet are the ones that struggle most with MH and there can be something there. I think relationships help with that side of things

It's not MH that reduces my frequency and contact, it's busyness and also prioritising what I need.

Oblomov24 · 30/05/2024 10:31

But yes, in answer to your question I'd let the friendship go. She doesn't value you and has no free time.

betterangels · 30/05/2024 13:39

wintersgold · 29/05/2024 17:59

I've worked 60-80 hour work weeks in the past and dealt with family issues at the same time - and even then I could always spare an hour for coffee with a close friend. I don't think I'll ever understand your point of view

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That's fine. We don't have to agree. What's important to me is that my friendships are fine. Because we do understand this in each other and accept it.

As I said, OP should make her own decisions about her friendship - if she sees this situation as a personal slight. No one should stay friends with someone if it no longer works for them.

wintersgold · 30/05/2024 21:03

betterangels · 30/05/2024 13:39

That's fine. We don't have to agree. What's important to me is that my friendships are fine. Because we do understand this in each other and accept it.

As I said, OP should make her own decisions about her friendship - if she sees this situation as a personal slight. No one should stay friends with someone if it no longer works for them.

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That's very fair, I'm glad it works for you. I do agree that friendships are very personal and OP should make the call that works for her

ICantThinkofAnythingClever · 30/05/2024 21:17

I had a friend like this who always wanted to schedule catch-ups for ages in advance as if it was a meeting with the Prime Minister, and I gave up on her in the end. It wasn't just that she didn't ever have time in the short term, which I can understand, I am also very busy and I can be crap at catching up with friends. But she also became extremely unpleasant if for any reason I couldn't keep to her scheduled appointments.

Last time we spoke, she got pissy I cancelled on her because I had a bereavement in my family! I'm sorry I couldn't predict that one 3 months in advance, Lizzie.