Friend making plan to meet up several weeks in advance.

[Longlazyday]

Am I being unreasonable to consider let this friendship go?

Messaged a friend to suggest meeting for a coffee. They have suggested August. 🙄

Some people don’t like more than one thing in a day. MIL says things like ‘I’ve got the hairdressers in Monday and Tuesday I do my food shop.’ 😂

My best friend messaged last night to plan a meet up for the end of July- to be honest I was surprised because this is short notice for her… i wasn’t expecting her to be free until November.

It isn’t personal- she is just extremely busy. Runs her own company which employs a fair few people, and has a lot of friends- she seems to be on a group holiday or at a wedding every 10 minutes. Add her having to fit her girlfriend in as well and it gets bonkers.

I'm like that, please don't judge us. I get really hyper stimulated by going out and seeing people, don't get me wrong, I absolutely love going out and doing things, but I then can't switch off and frequently lie awake until 2am. I find it totally exhausting to do things back to back, it really irritates me that I'm like this!

I'm always fascinated by people who take someone being busy as a personal slight- is it because it makes you feel a bit inferior that you don't have as much going on? Because I could totally understand that - I don't really get why you would see it as an insult? (Disclaimer: suspected ND here so I might be missing something obvious!)

What I find interesting in these discussions is that I struggle with multiple plans on the same day and lots of socialising, so I need a 'revovery' day. So if I had plans Friday night, Saturday day, and Saturday night, I would need Sunday to chill, do housework, go to the gym, do a food shop etc. So I plan my calendar accordingly and try not to plan things on those days. I imagine there other people do the same. But this does mean it limits my availability, but if I don't do it I will really struggle with overwhelm. If a friend was having a crisis, of course I'd interrupt that recovery day - but for a regular catchup, I don't see the issue with just going to the next available slot. If I'm cramming them in for 'half an hour' just to get them in next week, then id be worried we wouldn't get a proper chance to catch up and would feel rude rushing off to something else so quick. But it's interesting to see people suggest this as a solution on this thread, so clearly some people would be okay with this which is good to know!

I think how you respond to this depends on how you feel about the friendship generally and what you think her intentions are. Do you think she wants to see you or that she's trying to fob you off? I have a friend who suggests times/dates way ahead (it's a bit amusing) but in her case she's busy, trying to coordinate things and genuinely does want to catch up.
Have to say though I wouldn't agree in May to a quick coffee in August. I think I'd say, ok let's pencil it in & see how we're fixed, and if you have some free time before that, let me know.

Nah I wouldn't even reply to her.
Wouldn't bother with her any more either.

August is not “a few weeks away” ffs. It’s not even June yet.

This is a proper response from an actual friend, not the OP's making it all about her.

it does sound like this to me

Most busy adults make plans months in advance. When you take into account the whole families needs, different friend groups, family days out, grandparents, time gets booked up quickly. And that's before downtime.

I'm honestly not trying to be a cow im just writing this quickly as im waoting for an appointment but is she your only friend? Perhaps you need a few more?

This. Friendship is about showing concern

I must have no life as I can meet most weekends. I don't understand why people have to be doing stuff all the time. Weekends are supposed to be for downtime. Will in my house anyway.

YANBU to be annoyed - I’ve got friends like this too and it’s so tedious! I really believe that friendship is about momentum and clearly a 3 month lead time on a coffee isn’t great !!

I wouldn’t go nuclear and end the friendship, but definitely make sure it’s on your terms too. I stopped trying so hard with the ‘always busy’ type friends and have made way more of an effort with a couple of friends who live locally and are much more open to more spontaneous ‘are you around this weekend’ plans - so much more enjoyable !

If it's just for a quick coffee and a catch up then I would take from this that you are not a priority in this person's life OP. If it were me I wouldn't bother replying and just let the friendship fade.

Focus on people who value you.

I guess it depends- if you know her kind of life style (if she works part time, has coffees with friends fairly regularly, can fit that around child care etc), then yeah she’s probably not that bothered about seeing you. If she works full time and is super busy, for whatever reason, then she genuinely might not have a life style where having a coffee with a friend at a few weeks notice is possible, in which case she may genuinely love to see you but can’t do any sooner.

Only you know that really. I can see how either way- you might not be compatible friendship wise (even if I knew a friend was busy, I’d struggle to commit to a coffee as far ahead as August- it would seem silly having that booked in and then not being able to do something else fun that came up in the summer because of a random coffee date that was booked back in May).

I’d probably say something like ‘oh sounds like you’ve got a lot on! Hope everything’s ok. I can’t really commit to August right now as not sure what our summer plans are, but maybe nearer the time we could try and get a catch up sorted’.

I understand how you feel OP. I usually expect a date to be arranged within a few weeks, unless it's a group meet where it can be more tricky to find a date all can do.

Someone recently asked me to meet for lunch on my regular day off work and when I asked if they had any dates in mind, gave me two, 2 months ahead which felt a bit far off. However I reasoned they were only working with one day a week and likely have a holiday booked and family commitments. Also we are more friendly ex colleagues than friends.

In your situation I certainly wouldn't feel I was a priority. I also wouldn't commit to a date but ask them if we can confirm nearer the time. But I have friends I prioritise over others, so if I still enjoyed seeing them I would.

It does baffle me the amount of people saying to no longer be friends with this person. I have just had a look at my diary because I'd like to have lunch with my mum. I have one Saturday free on 15th June, where I can squeeze in a lunch but won't be able to take DS or DH as they are not free. After that, 3rd August. Sundays, well I've got this Sunday, and then 4th August.
If I'm not gigging, DS is gigging or one of us is ferrying him around, or we've got weddings, parties, a holiday, I'm off to London. It is never ending. If you couldn't do midweek, you'd be ditching me too. It really would have to be a quick coffee as well because if I'm not working I'm not getting paid.

Typical Mumsnet. Posters foaming at the mouth telling ops to ditch every friend and family member they don't agree with.

Yes it seems that way. Heaven forbid if people have spouses and kids and family as well as other friends and aren't available at the drop of a hat. I've ditched friends who can't understand that I am THAT busy, and yes I am well rested thank you, and no I'm not killing myself doing things all the time.

This sort of comment or "let's put that one in the diary and if you get any time before then, let me know".
I had a period on a friendship where we used to book in coffee dates months on advance just to make sure we had time because our availability didn't always sync. So we'd have coffee dates for several months ahead and then if an ad hoc opp came up, great

Has she given any explanation as to why she doesn't have an hour for you in the next 10 weeks?

What can annoy me about questions back about 'are you ok, doing too much' is sometimes they are not actually concern , they are to show it's unacceptable to the other party and attempt to guilt. That just closes me down further.
What another person said about needing downtime is true too, and even if it's seen as selfish, I will prioritise that for me too.
Sometimes I go weeks without seeing friends or extended family, and I am great with that because I run my life how I need and not for the pleasure of others.
In this case, if it's such a big difference in friends, definitely meet up with more spontaneous friends more but don't hold a grudge to this friend.

I can pick up right where I left off with someone even if it was a year ago so this really wouldn't bother me at all, infact I'd be looking forward to a nice long catch up with a friend where they'd get me up to speed and I wouldn't have to talk much at all.

Sounds like there are other things going on here with you though op, it's perfectly ok to decide to not invest into a friendship anymore but I don't think she's done anything wrong by you at all.

Im not sure I would be compatible with someone that took offence when I wanted to see them for a coffee but had to schedule further in advance than they’d like.

I often have to do that far ahead.