Friend making plan to meet up several weeks in advance.

[Longlazyday]

Am I being unreasonable to consider let this friendship go?

Messaged a friend to suggest meeting for a coffee. They have suggested August. 🙄

'Heaven forbid if people have spouses and kids and family as well as other friends and aren't available at the drop of a hat.'

No one was asking the friend to have coffee right now 😁. I think I'd relegate this friend to occasional catch up acquaintance, have the coffee in August, but just focus elsewhere for mates.

You obviously didn't read my previous post. My point is, I wouldn't have time for a coffee on a weekend until August either unless you happened to be available this Sunday. My last remaining weekend day in the interim has now gone to my mum, who I would definitely prioritise over coffee with a friend.

Depends on their circumstances. Normal for us!

It sounds like you can't be arsed with her to be honest, so probably best all round that you don't bother.

I was one of those who said I'd let the friendship fizzle as I prefer more spontaneous relationships and for me seeing someone who lives locally for an hour every 3-4 months wouldn't be enough to have a meaningful friendship. It doesn't mean I am frothing at the mouth with anger and aggression, it only means that for me that would be an acquaintance and not friend. A friend is someone I meet up with much more frequently than that. I see friends several times a week and I'm part of a few different friendship groups so it's not that I'm not also a busy person, I have just managed to form friendships with other spontaneous people who value flexibility. There are obviously a lot of people on here who live their lives like the OP's friend and this type of friendship would suit them better than me and dare I guess, the OP.

It's easily done without even trying for some.

Different friend groups.
Day out booked in advance.
Long hair appointment (mine are 4 hours nearly).
Weekend away booked.

I don't fill my weekends up like that but others I know do.

My friend has divorced parents, siblings, partners family and lots of friends.

Everyone wants a piece of her so she works hard to see everyone but tries to book in downtime to just veg out and watch telly. She'll tell people she's got plans so they don't bug her or turn up.

Another friend has 4 siblings, all with kids and all in different counties so she's all over the place.

We often plan things months in advance with friends! People are busy

Yeah, this. ^ They're not really much of a friend if you only see each other every 3-4 months. I've got, well, a 'friend' who I've known for probably 30 years. She's got such a terribly busy life, with two-grown children, and two grandchildren (2 and 3,) who she always seems to be looking after - and a 3 day a week job. And soooo many hobbies.

She can just about fit me in 3 times a year. I meet her for about an hour to an hour and a half. If we meet say, in mid June - she never contacts me to meet again. I always message her. I will message her about mid July , and say, 'are you ready to meet soon?' And then I get a message saying 'I'll have to let you know. I am very busy right now.' Then a week later she sends a date for early October, (if I'm lucky.)

I'm actually thinking of letting this friendship go. Especially as she spends about 25% of the time we are together scrolling through her phone, answering messages, and even answering phone calls. Yeah, you're not really friends if you seen each other 3 times a year. I've known her for 30 years, but she's not somebody that I could depend on - or call on in an emergency. In fact, only my adult daughter, my husband, and one cousin who I'm very close to, and one good friend in my village ... They are the only once I actually could really depend on.

Me and this 'friend' used to be a lot closer, and saw each other weekly and went out pubbing and clubbing (in the noughties,) but we lived 15 doors apart then. We live 15 miles apart now, and whilst my life is pretty chill, and I have time for her (and most people,) she doesn't seem to have time for me. Nobody is soooo busy that they can only meet a friend for an hour and a half 3 times a year!

@Longlazyday Let this friend go. Stop contacting her.

I don't have a free weekend in June or July.

Tell her you're not free on that day in August and see what she says.

I only have two whole weekends free between now and August, the rest have at least one big thing on them.

I have a lot of shit to sort out in my "free" time. So I'm careful not to take on too much so it actually gets done.

I'd be pretty judgemental of a friend not understanding that.

Are you really incompatible as friends? Will you have a good time when she's free?

Seems daft to end what's a good friendship based on differing diaries and will to fill them up. You could end up very lonely if you do this to everyone who is busy.

She's that busy but wants to meet you enough she's happy to schedule something in a couple months away. You're not that busy yet you're balking at the idea of getting something in the diary because it isn't as fast as you'd like.

Sorry but it's pretty clear who is actually invested in this friendship and willing to make the effort, and it's not you.

Do you think there's a chance that suggesting a date in August to meet up for a coffee for an hour could be your friend's way of trying to tell you that she is hoping to 'let the friendship go'?

Personally, I don't need to see someone regularly or often to stay mates with them. But I also don't think friendships should be hard work, or require analysis, or should come with a sense of obligation, and I do know that's a problem for some people who do things differently to me (friendships have ended because of this) so maybe you and your friend are just not really compatible. It doesn't mean she isn't a nice person, or that you aren't a nice person - you're just different people who want or expect different things.

If she can’t be bothered to
find one hour to meet you for a coffee unless it’s several months in advance then it’s not worth the bother of being friends with her in my opinion. And people who claim they’re so incredibly busy they don’t have an hour free in months are just being ridiculous. She’d make time if she wanted to.

I think it's probably a bit of main character syndrome. They see themselves as the main character in everyone else's life and then get a bit fussy if they aren't treated like the most important priority by everyone all the time. These people can find it hard to sustain friendships and let them go quickly rather than risk being let go as it's too much of a blow to their ego.

I meet her for about an hour to an hour and a half. If we meet say, in mid June - she never contacts me to meet again. I always message her. I will message her about mid July , and say, 'are you ready to meet soon?' And then I get a message saying 'I'll have to let you know. I am very busy right now.' Then a week later she sends a date for early October, (if I'm lucky.)

I think you should perhaps learn to take a hint.

I feel you're bad a tad dramatic ending a friendship over this. Unless you don't really like the friend in the first place and are using this as an excuse? I have friends I might not see for a few months and then when we meet we have a lovely time and I really value their time when we do meet.

Guess it’s just different expectations from friendships, I couldn’t imagine having the time or energy to see friends multiple times a week, and if anyone expected that from me I’d find it stifling.

I don't think it's so much a personal slight but more of a what's the point? I mean what is the point of a friend who can only spare an hour for a coffee months in advance? You aren't actually being friends with each other.

It's different when it's a longer distance friend and you need the best part of a day free to meet up. A local friend who actually functions as a friend shouldn't need several months notice for a quick coffee.

If you’re willing to let a friend go I think you’re done anyway though, aren’t you?

@Changingplace ,sorry I didn't mean I see the same friends every week, just different constellations of friends but I see all my local friends at least monthly, usually 2-3 times a month.

Fairly normal for my circle. We work in the week and have after school activities in the evenings so weekends are the only option. Dcs do weekend activities, we do activities with the dcs like theatre trips and family days at museums which need to be booked months in advance (or they will sell out), birthday parties to attend, occasional extra sessions for some after school activities, have to fit in optician and dental appointments at weekends, have weekend breaks away so it's very normal not to have a gap in the calendar for a few months.

Her next availability to fit you in is August is she a gp receptionist

I don’t think it’s that at all, I think it’s just different preferences and lifestyles. Spontaneity is important to me, I like being able to see (for example) a cool event happening this week and think, oh, my mate Miranda would like that, let me see if she fancies coming, or to invite local friends to come along for a catch up when I walk the dog. I feel too restricted and hemmed in by regimented plans far into the future and I’m also likely to forget about things that are too far away and double-book myself, even if I write them in a diary. My brain just doesn’t operate more than about 2 weeks into the future - I’ve even double booked things over my own holidays or medical appointments so it isn’t about not valuing other people’s time.