To think if one parent can't look after the DC, it's the other parents responsibility to do so?

[looop114]

And not their partners?

If two parents are separated and one of them becomes unwell (not just a cold but actually very poorly and unable to look after the DC kind of unwell), it should be automatically the other parents responsibility to look after the children and not the unwell parents partner or spouse?

They can if they want to obviously but the initial assumption should be that the other parent will parent their children even though its not "their time" when the other is not able to? Providing both are involved parents.

Aibu to think this is the case and that it's quite entitled to make assumptions that your co parents partner/spouse will look after your DC when the other parent is unwell intstead of you?

I think it's different for different families

No right or wrong way at all!

Of course YANBU. But a lot of men whose marriages have failed recruit new partners largely based on their perceived gullibility and the likelihood that they will become proxy parents. And it is usually men.

What has prompted this?

Exactly this.

I'd happily look after my partners two children and have done many times. We're a family so why would I not?

Are we talking about unwell for a week or two or a long term illness?

I guess technically it is for the ill parent to make childcare arrangements for their child on their time whether that's partner, grandparents, other family or friends unless they have an agreement of offering the other parent first refusal.

I suspect in most families the other parent would want their children back with them rather than looked after by others

As I say if you want to that's fine but where both parents are involved the first assumption would be that their actual mother would look after them rather than just assume that you will because your husband can't? And vice versa

I'm not sure I agree.

Just trying to put myself in the shoes of a separated parent here. I would say that his contact time was his responsibility and if he couldn't care for our children on those days it shouldn't be up to me to find a solution.

I'm presuming you're talking serious illness, so yes, the other parent should step up and in. It might be nice if (either) new spouse can support that (as in, yes I can do nursery pick up if you can't get out of a meeting or shift work) but I would expect sick person's spouse to be focusing on them, not the DC. In an ideal world, of course.

I think if there's a separation each parent is responsible for covering their time - e.g. childminder, friends, GPs, aunts, uncles, willing step parents.

That might include negotiating with the other parents about who cares for the children when one parent is ill. It also might not.

I agree. Your partner is the problem though. If their ex expects this, it’s up to your partner to say no.

My husband is unwell, he was admitted to hospital a few days ago with a flu like illness causing breathing difficulties and has been unable to get out of bed before this for over a week.

During this time he's not been able to care for DSC on his usual time and obviously can't do so whilst he's in hospital. During this time I've been mithered by his ex who just assumed I would have them whilst he's unwell during the usual time. Whilst also trying to look after our children too.

I think as their mother she should have them whilst DH can't, as he has and would do if the situation was reversed. I can't ever imagine her being in hospital and my husband pestering her boyfriend to have the children instead of him. He just wouldn't. Because he's their dad. And she's their mum.

Are you the DH’s new partner, and the ex/their DM is assuming you should have the DC when your DH is (seriously) ill?

Cross-post. It’s for him and her to sort between them; it’s not for the ex to be telling you what to do.

Surely you’d want to step in and do the caring so your partner (their parent) could still see the children, be around them, but not have to do anything they aren’t capable of. Otherwise… when would they see their kids?

You’re a family. You help each other. But it’s totally up to each unit, and how they want to handle it. Or how they are able to handle it. No right or wrong I think.

But they are YOUR children too. If he's incapacitated for whatever reason you'd seriously just say not my problem it's not my time..

Odd to me personally.

I think if there is usually "mum's time" and "dad's time", then it's dad's responsibility to organise childcare on his time. If his new partner won't step in, then he needs to ask wider family or pay for childcare.

Surely you’d want to step in and do the caring so your partner (their parent) could still see the children, be around them, but not have to do anything they aren’t capable of. Otherwise… when would they see their kids?

I certainly would not.

He's not been around any of the children, including ours. He's not well at all and also I've not wanted them to catch anything if possible.

All sounds a bit petty

Surely adults work it out between them?

My DH has it written into his parenting agreement with the ex that the other parent is given "first refusal". In reality the distances involved means I or my ex's partner are a much more sensible option if we offer.

There are plenty of parents who work and they put their kids in childcare /send them to grandparents because it's their time not their ex's.

So I personally wouldn't be making any assumptions.

Yes if he is incapacitated then the default assumption should be they'd stay with mum. It's a difficult time for them too.

I think it depends TBH.

My ex would regularly cancel "his" days because he had a headache/cold/hangover. The fact I needed to be at work didn't cross his mind. If I was ill he expected me to get on with it.

AFAIC on "his" days he needed to arrange something. Of course that could mean asking me if I could keep the DC with me but not assuming.

I think the other parent should be the first port of call, but dont assume they can have the dc.

The parent who is ill is responsible for making plans. However, the child shouldn’t be deprived of time with their unwell parent.

He doesn't have any wider family around here. He's literally in hospital very unwell.

When would it be reasonable for the other parent to parent their own children? If he died?

It's such a weird way to view things imo. Surely if one parent isn't around you are 100% responsible for your children. And that includes both ways. I'd be horrified if the mother of my husbands children was in hospital and instead of just assuming full responsibility for his children during that time he said nope not my problem she needs to find a childminder for half the week.

Your DH is in hospital, I think it's a bit weird that the ex expects you to look after their children in this situation.