To think if one parent can't look after the DC, it's the other parents responsibility to do so?

[looop114]

And not their partners?

If two parents are separated and one of them becomes unwell (not just a cold but actually very poorly and unable to look after the DC kind of unwell), it should be automatically the other parents responsibility to look after the children and not the unwell parents partner or spouse?

They can if they want to obviously but the initial assumption should be that the other parent will parent their children even though its not "their time" when the other is not able to? Providing both are involved parents.

Aibu to think this is the case and that it's quite entitled to make assumptions that your co parents partner/spouse will look after your DC when the other parent is unwell intstead of you?

generally here you could not be fired for taking parental leave.

it may be unpaid if it’s longer term, but she would not lose her job.

in the uk you can take 13 weeks parental leave per year.

But surely parental leave only applies to parents???? Not step parents?

That was the point.

mum is not going to lose her job, neither is dad on sick leave.

the one who’s job is vulnerable will be step mum.

this was in response to pp (American?) who was arguing the kids are stepmum’s responsibility because mum might lose her job taking time off.

I have been in a situation of being urgently admitted to hospital prior to having DC2, and I spent that time on the phone arranging for another school parent to pick up and care for my DC1 until their other parent could get back from work and collect them. So I'm afraid I don't think being unwell necessarily means you can abdicate responsibility for your kids.

I think it depends on exactly how unwell you are …..

@toomanytonotice Even in the US you can take up to 12 weeks unpaid family leave (law since 1993). So the Mum wouldn’t lose her job here either.

It's not hard to pick out the entitled mothers on here absolutely taking the piss out of their DCs stepmum. Imagine telling any woman that she has to mind your kids while her husband is in hospital. Absolutely outrageous. And people on here agreeing with it 😆

Blimey, some of the responses on here. I don’t get on with DSS’s mum at all but when DH was admitted to hospital last year she was asking if there was anything she could do to help ME… because she realised I had so much on my plate with very sick DH and young DC of my own.

I'm with you op.

How is your dh? Any better? Must be really stressful for you atm.

The fact that alot of single mums on here can give multiple examples of what you could do if the other parent is not available for childcare; none of which involve calling social services to admit your kids in to care is revealing. It shows that actually the lived experience of many mums is that emergency childcare from the other parent cannot be relied upon or expected when it comes to the mum.

Its all fine posters saying both parents should be responsible 100% of the time but that mums can give examples of what they would do in a similar position to the dad in the OP, ranging from asking their partner to help them look after their children, to relying on family or paying for childcare really shows its a one sided expectation in the majority of cases that mums should drop everything if the kids are at their dads and he falls ill.

However when it's the mother who needs the support she needs to find her own solutions and get by without infringing on their dad's life. Which is if we are being honest what happens in the majority of cases. If it's reciprocal then fine but if its a one sided expectation on one parent and not the other than no rely on your spouse who is supposed to be your partner. If you have chosen to marry a selfish person who would put your children in care rather than look after them for the limited time you have them then thats your bad choices. Once again the examples here from mums who have a partner is that they would rely on them for help not call social services if their dad can't get them.

Mums do tend just to muddle through, on the whole. Usually they don't think that there is any alternative.

The privilege of having a 'default' parent available if anything comes up is more often than not a male one.

If you have chosen to marry a selfish person who would put your children in care rather than look after them for the limited time you have them then thats your bad choices.

Does that go for the mother too? She has a boyfriend, yet she's harassing the OP to take her children.

Actually the same applies to both. If either the mother or father are unwilling to care for their own children, and no one else is, then the only option at that point is foster care.

What neither get to do, mother or father, is claim that someone else, who has zero responsibility for their children, in fact has greater responsibility than they do.

OP is doing exactly what the mother is having to do - taking responsibility for her children and her job. In addition to that she’s also dealing with having a sick husband in hospital, which is a major stressor that his ex isn’t having deal with.

I didn't say ask your family to look after them I said could you ask your husbands family

Im an aunt. (my niece is grown up now) Im also child free by choice. I would take a very dim view of being asked this when an actual parent of the child cant be bothered. Aunts uncles cousins get NO SAY over whether their relatives pro create or not. But if we are being asked this perhaps we should

If you have chosen to marry a selfish person who would put your children in care rather than look after them for the limited time you have them then thats your bad choices

Why would they go in care because the stepparent didn’t want to care for them? The bad choice here would be on the other parent who turned the other cheek. Imagine letting your kids go into care to make a point that Dad’s new partner needs to do the hard bits as well as the nice bits.

I thought the kids started off at their dad's but the mum was expected to come and get them because their dad was in hospital. Not that they started off at their mums and she asked the stepmum to come and get them from her. I think the second example is of course clearcut that it would not be the stepmums responsibility to do that.

Yes I think if the mums partner was unwilling to look after the children in an emergency that would be selfish too as you are adding to your partners stress in a difficult time. However realistically even when you are with your children's dad there are times when emergencies happen where you both may not be available to care for the children. It's just sensible to have options for childcare when either parent is not around.

I have always had a childminder in my life until recently even when I was married because I couldn't always rely on dad to provide childcare. Like another poster said they are DBS checked and often kids enjoy their time there because they keep them entertained with activities. Or I befriend other mums who can help me in an emergency. Reading this thread has also reminded me how amazing my family is as I have always been able to rely on them if I really needed help with childcare. According to this thread though I should have demanded their dad take unpaid leave to watch them instead as he is the one with parental responsibility not my family. It takes a village to raise a child not just mum and dad even if they are the ones who are ultimately responsible. Dad's also need to create networks like mums do that they can fall back on for help if they need to especially when they are not with the mother of their child. If that is not your partner or family then make sure you have a childminder saved in your phone for emergencies.

@looop114 What does your husband say about all this? What was his expectation for the children when he went into hospital? He really should be the one communicating with her about the change of plans and asking if she’s ok to keep hold of the kids.

Also, mum has the children but seems to be asking about when they could come to you. It would be helpful to know what mum is cancelling/rescheduling/loosing out on that she keeps mithering you. Also, is she thinking dad will be out any day and wants the children not to miss out on too much time with him? what exactly has she been asking of you?

There isn’t a lot of detail or context in your posts.

I'm sorry your DH is unwell, @looop114 .

If I were the mum in that situation, I would absolutely want to have my children with me, not least because I'd want to help them through a difficult time while their dad's in hospital.

Unless there were some horrendous back-story, I'd also be keen to maintain a positive/constructive co-parenting relationship with their dad's wife, as well as empathising for a fellow woman juggling work, family and a sick DH.

I hope your DH recovers and you and all the children get through this.

I doubt very much that anyone would ever ask you.

Why would they not ask her?

She should care for them, shes taking the piss. You’re under no obligation to care for her kids and as their dad is incapable it should fall on her. I would message and explain that given the current situation of how ill your husband is and that you have your own children to care for, plus work, and the added pressure of worrying about your sick husband, you are not in a position to care for DSC at present and that they will need to go home to her.

How is your husband doing, @looop114? 🌹

They are with their mum. Always have been throughout this situation.

It’s not your responsibility. You have enough going on. Tell his ex wife this. Tell her to keep her kids until such times as he is better.
No negotiations. Don’t feel bad about it. She is being a CF and taking advantage of you in an already horrible situation.
You know it’s the right thing to do. Don’t let posters on here try to guilt trip you into thinking differently. For the stepchildren’s sake, their mum should have them and keep them feeling secure with her than try to palm them off and be passed about because you need to juggle your own life to cope with a seriously ill husband/work/childcare.

Yes, @StormingNorman , I realized that after a couple of updates. Some people have said that in this situation, the ill parent should find alternative childcare, but what’s odd is that the Mum isn’t texting her ex telling him to arrange childcare, she’s texting the OP!

The OP’s now said that she’s forwarded all the texts to her husband. The parents need to sort this out, not her!

Why are you exclaiming at me? I have said all along that the parents need to sort it.

@StormingNorman I wasn’t specifically exclaiming at you, it was just initially, I’d assumed that the DH was involved in these childcare discussions.