To think if one parent can't look after the DC, it's the other parents responsibility to do so?

[looop114]

And not their partners?

If two parents are separated and one of them becomes unwell (not just a cold but actually very poorly and unable to look after the DC kind of unwell), it should be automatically the other parents responsibility to look after the children and not the unwell parents partner or spouse?

They can if they want to obviously but the initial assumption should be that the other parent will parent their children even though its not "their time" when the other is not able to? Providing both are involved parents.

Aibu to think this is the case and that it's quite entitled to make assumptions that your co parents partner/spouse will look after your DC when the other parent is unwell intstead of you?

I don’t think there is a hard and fast rule here. Technically it’s up to the ill parent to arrange alternatives but would expect the other parent to have a vested interest in what’s best for their children. If the other parent has work/commitments they can’t necessarily drop everything. Equally the partner may be in the same boat and also caring for/visiting partner. Ideally there would be some flexibility on both sides to muddle through until things get back to normal.

The problem is that I bet the mum already takes more time off for the children anyway. As a single mum you always end up taking more time off. I'm on her side here. It's sad that your DH is ill but ultimately her schedule is her schedule. Does your DH rush over when she is sick?

You’d think so but some people don’t care, I came straight home from emergency surgery to look after my kids, they were with my brother at the time and he was on army leave and had to go back but their dad could’ve had them but didn’t, I remember leaning on the stove crying because I was in so much pain

No I don’t agree, both parents should be able to make their own childcare arrangements during their time for whatever reason. You shouldn’t assume the other parent can step in and it often gives the child time to spend with wider family members.

Right of first refusal causes more problems IMO especially in cases where there has been controlling behaviour in the past. I certainly don’t want to be telling my ex every move I make and if I have to work a few hours when I have the children, or have an appointment to attend etc. I make my own arrangements if I am not available.

Yes, as I've already said, I absolutely would expect my husband to be the default if their mum was unwell or incapacitated in some way. Why would he not be? I can imagine the replies here already if she was in hospital seriously unwell and her children's father was refusing to help. We have them 50 50 3 nights one week and 4 the next.

Also, as I've said, there have been times where he has done this. For example, she suffered a sudden and sad loss last year and said she felt unable to have the children at the time. There was no question that they'd come to my husband, their dad, whilst their mum dealt with that. Maybe he should have said don't be silly, it's not my time, get a babysitter?

I don't mind helping, and I would if she actually wanted to discuss it with me and accepted that really the responsibility is hers as their mother. But she doesn't. She's been hideous, mithering me none stop about it.

All of these things that people say she has on that she can't drop etc erm... hello? So do I?! I am also solely looking after children, I am also going to work, I am also having to deal with upset children who's father is unwell and also on top of that looking after him in the hospital. Why would I have more responsibility than their mother to drop any of that.

Saying to my boss, sorry I need to look after my husband and his exes children because their mum won't isn't going to wash really is it.

I know a lot of separated parents really guard their free time away from the kids but I’ll be honest, I’ve never really understood that.

@ILoveYouItsRuiningMyLife this is so true. DH’s ex guarded her child-free time so fiercely that common sense went out the window on occasions. Of course each parent has the right to their own time, but hospitalisation is not a ‘whim’.

Oh and not forgetting the times she's wanted to go on holiday or things of that nature and my husband has had them during that time. I guess all that should stop.

I'd never ask anything of my ex. He's a angry resentful man and it's not worth it.
If I was seriously ill I'd ask one of the many people I'm friends with to step in

I don't know that there's a hard and fast answer, but I think there's a big difference in a Dad who keeps on mysteriously getting the sniffles on his time and expecting his ex to pick up the slack vs a Dad who is in hospital!

Putting aside the question of who's "job" it is, surely it's better for the kids to be with their Mum in this situation? I'd be pretty scared knowing my Dad was in hospital, and I think I'd want the comfort of my other parent if possible!

I’d be tempted to tell her “your unwillingness to work with me on ensuring your children are looked after while …. is seriously unwell is noted and I’ll be sure to keep it in mind if you ever need time out for illness in the future or want extra time so you can holiday again”.’ A little reminder that it’s a 2 way street might help.

I'm very sorry to hear your DH is so unwell.

I agree with those who say it's very dependent on circumstances.

You and DH are married and have further children.

It sounds like their mum has a boyfriend so no committed support from another adult?

So whilst agree with you that the parent should step and parent FT as you would in a non separated family - and as your DH would if his ex was in hospital .....

Perhaps your situation I'd different to hers? Your dh could take on the FT care knowing he has you to support him if needs be.

Does his ex have that support? Does she have work commitments made due to the contact arrangement she can't (easily because I'm sure there's always a way) change or adjust?

I'm 100% with you that you can say no as you don't have PR.

But I'm not sure it's as clear cut and black and white as you see it.

Yes. If she can’t help you out then I wouldn’t be flexible at all.

I 100 agree with you OP, but this is what happens when you marry someone who already has children—your life becomes intertwined with the wishes and whims of the XW. It is what it is, what can you do?

• To be clear, if they were my kids I would have them in a heartbeat.

Yes!

• I'm just pointing out that if the usual arrangement is a clear division of time, it's not reasonable to assume that the other parent can or will take them.

Yes!

• They may be working shifts, on holiday, away with work...any separated parent really needs to think about what they are going to do if they become temporarily unable to provide care, just as single/widowed parents have to.

Yes!

• And it is usually men who assume they can just hand back to mum at short/no notice.

No!

Stick to your guns OP, you have enough on your plate. Easy for me to say but just ignore her.
I agree, you do not stop being a parent when you are separated and your kids are with their other parent. Yet another way the stepmother is expected to be more responsible than the actual mother or father. Same old, same old. Your DH is in hospital for fucks sake. Why on earth would you take on more children with everything else you have on?
I hope your DH recovers as soon as possible 💐

I mean it’s difficult all round. No new partners to consider but I’ve set up my working life based on ex doing his days. It’s really awkward if he can’t especially for a sustained period.

Exactly this

In theory yes but if their other parent is crap there is not a lot you can do. My children have been looked after by my family and friends when I've been in hospital. This is because their dad isn't interested. He will see them on "his" weekends and Christmas but no other time even if it's a life and death situation.

You're right about the sexism. You're getting the pestering because you're a mother.

What would happen if XH is in hospital?

Surely you do what is best for the children ?

Me ex moved 150 miles away and most men are absolutely useless and selfish especially when they meet a new partner and deem looking after their own kids as doing the mother a favour so no it doesn't work like that sadly.

I think all families and parents do it differently and perhaps it would have been wise to sort out arrangements before anyone got sick. Hindsight is a wonderful thing though. But you all have different expectations and nothing seems to be written down, so you can get annoyed and say what she should do all you like, but there isn’t a right and wrong, so it won’t do you any good.

In our family if my DP got sick he would ask me and relatives to step in and manage between us. With 4 DC and both with full time careers it would be difficult for me to manage on my own if he were hospitalised for any length of time.

If his ex got sick there is no way in Hell she would ask their father (my DP) to step in. She would also lean on relatives and neighbours. She wouldn’t give him a single second of “her time”.

If I got sick for a week then I probably would ask my ex to have them. And if got sick then again I would step in. Our relationship is much more cordial than my DP and his ex though.

So in our family the expectations are very different to yours and even differ between the different ex relationships. I don’t think there’s a right and a wrong.

You clearly don’t like the ex. I hope the DSC are not aware that you want them gone as they’re probably worried about their dad and feeling like they’re not welcome now he’s not here would be quite upsetting for them on top of everything else.

Some of you people are so rigid and cold. I honestly can't believe that you expect a man who is sick enough to be in hospital, to be arranging childcare from his hospital bed.

I hated my ex with a passion, we did not get on. He was ill a few times, ended up in hospital. It genuinely never crossed my mind that I shouldn't have our DC when it was 'his' time. Surely the children will be upset, worried about their Dad? The best place for them is with their other parent. Clearly some people here don't care about what's best for the DC, just that they get their 'time'.

OP, do not be bullied by her.
Your responsibility is to YOUR children.
Block her number if necessary.
You have enough going on.
Going forward stop engaging with her on any level.
She is nagging you because she thinks it will work.
Show her it won't.
I would oblidge and oblidging person, not a nagging user.