To think if one parent can't look after the DC, it's the other parents responsibility to do so?

[looop114]

And not their partners?

If two parents are separated and one of them becomes unwell (not just a cold but actually very poorly and unable to look after the DC kind of unwell), it should be automatically the other parents responsibility to look after the children and not the unwell parents partner or spouse?

They can if they want to obviously but the initial assumption should be that the other parent will parent their children even though its not "their time" when the other is not able to? Providing both are involved parents.

Aibu to think this is the case and that it's quite entitled to make assumptions that your co parents partner/spouse will look after your DC when the other parent is unwell intstead of you?

But they are YOUR kids.

This is why i would never date a man with children

Well I'm not separated so it's kind of theoretical for me.

But you don't know what other demands she has on her time or how easy or not it is for her to cancel other commitments she may have made in the reasonable expectation of not having to care for her children during their father's planned contact time.

She might be the children's mother but she's no longer in a family unit with your husband; you are.

I can see both sides, it's not clear cut.

I mean I agree to an extent with this.

But I genuinely can’t imagine, as a mum, preferring that my kids were being looked after by a step parent rather than me. I’d be looking to have them with me as much as I could. I hate the idea that they’d be away staying elsewhere on the regular.

I know a lot of separated parents really guard their free time away from the kids but I’ll be honest, I’ve never really understood that.

I had a work colleague who got a call from her daughters school because the child (8 or 9) was unwell and they couldn’t reach her dad. She could have gone to the school but she wouldn’t - “it’s not my day”. Dads new girlfriend ended up doing it.

Absolutely baffling to me.

That's awful for the kids. They need to know the parents will be there when the other can't be. A parent is a parent 100% of the time.

So many variables here to come up with one size fits all solution really. Whatever is in the best interest of the kids should be what happens. If they spend more time at step parents, or it’s closer to school, or there’s other reasons for them not to go to birth parent, I would expect them to stay with the step parent. That would also be the case if the step parent had a contagious illness that the kids could bring to birth parents house too.

I would also expect the birth parent to volunteer to take the kids in most cases though.

I think if separated parents have the sort of relationship where they are willing to step in for one another, that's great and probably better for the children, yes. But in reality there generally isn't that relationship, there is an agreed division of time, and each parent operates like a single parent during "their" days with the children. So if they can't care for the children, it's their responsibility to organise someone to do it. Obviously if one parent dies, custody reverts to the surviving parent, but that's not really relevant.

For us, if I'm ill when DD was small she would just go to my parents a few doors down. If DDs dad was ill she just stayed with me. However, none of that really impacted my work schedule as my parents were always available to take up childcare if necessary and I worked term time only I can see how if the other parent worked they would expect someone else trusted in the ill persons life would take over.

I think it also depends on what the illness is, something contagious like norovirus I wouldnt want her anywhere near their house. Something serious like cancer treatment Id drop her off and sit in the car so she could visit briefly if appropriate and then take her home.

She might be the children's mother but she's no longer in a family unit with your husband; you are

I don't really see this as the important part though. She's not a family unit with DH but they both remain parents to their children. And surely part of parenting is taking responsibility for your kids if the other parent cannot in extreme circumstances.

She has more of a responsibility to her own children than I do surely?

And in terms of responsibilities/ plans/ work.. I have all of those too and am also juggling my own children around all this.

Just how ill do they have to be before it is relevant? Coma? You can't just pass parenting to someone else like that. This isn't a job share.

yes, in this situation it is very unreasonable to me that the mother won’t take care of her children. If your husband had simply been under the weather for a day, it would be ridiculous to call the mum to pick them up, but when he’s in the hospital and you have other kids, gmafb!

My husband is my kids step father , albeit relatively new to the role. It would be horribly undermining for me to draft my ex in to look after the kids if I were sick, even seriously so. We are a family and I expect as family members to pull together. My DH would feel heartbroken if I did that.
but each family is different.

Sorry your dad's ill I still can't be bothered with you so off you go to your stepmums

OP, you’re not wrong. Their dad isn’t available so that means mum has to step in. But that’s very black and white, which isn’t really families should be. He should be making an effort to find some alternate childcare during some of his time, to help mum rather than leaving it all to her. But if there literally isn’t any other help then maybe he could be paying for a temporary nanny or childminder. Or just have a conversation with her about it as he can’t do anything, she has to be the parent they have at the moment and that’s that. There isn’t a wrong move here.

It's what I grew up with. My mother organised her life so that if we were with our dad, she was not available until it was her time to have us back. I think it's pretty commonplace... and it is usually dads trying to hand back the children because they can't manage to sort childcare/their new spouse won't help out. It's awful for everyone. Divorce and "blended families" often are.

He's in hospital, you are supporting your dh and parenting your children and his ex is put out she's not having her child free time?

Of course it's not your responsibility! What would she do if your dh was single ask the nurses to watch them!

No this is not difficult.

2 parents have PR ..your DH and their mum.

If one is incapacitated then the other has to deal with it .

Ex Wife or ex husbands partners are not responsible

Surely it depends. I would have my kids no issues but then I have a very flexible WFH job whereas if I worked night shifts with no family nearby then it would obviously be really difficult to accommodate. Assumptions either way seem a bit unnecessary to me given it is more of an emergency situation and it would be nice to have a conversation and work something out depending on everyone's circumstances

What's more, they often assume that the mother's partner should do it.

Both me and my ex have been in this situation (as in we’ve both been so ill/in hospital). We have both had the kids for extra time, but also had parents cover. I’m often away for work when they are with him, so I’m not always able to drop everything.

when I was in hospital, my parents did most of the childcare.

They're literally in hospital. It therefore falls entirely on the other parent to parent their own kids.

Ridiculous to think otherwise!

It’s never the responsibility of the ‘new spouse’ unless they specifically want to.

To be clear, if they were my kids I would have them in a heartbeat. I'm just pointing out that if the usual arrangement is a clear division of time, it's not reasonable to assume that the other parent can or will take them. They may be working shifts, on holiday, away with work...any separated parent really needs to think about what they are going to do if they become temporarily unable to provide care, just as single/widowed parents have to. And it is usually men who assume they can just hand back to mum at short/no notice.

This I think

They were ill at home for a week before deteriorating enough to go into hospital, plenty of time to make plans - what if the other parent did not exist/was abroad/was working etc. The parent responsible at that time is the parent responsible - their partner might or might not be prepared to help out, but the ill parent is responsible for putting SOMETHING in place

The OP has stated there are no family in the area to support though? So should it just fall to OP?