To think if one parent can't look after the DC, it's the other parents responsibility to do so?

[looop114]

And not their partners?

If two parents are separated and one of them becomes unwell (not just a cold but actually very poorly and unable to look after the DC kind of unwell), it should be automatically the other parents responsibility to look after the children and not the unwell parents partner or spouse?

They can if they want to obviously but the initial assumption should be that the other parent will parent their children even though its not "their time" when the other is not able to? Providing both are involved parents.

Aibu to think this is the case and that it's quite entitled to make assumptions that your co parents partner/spouse will look after your DC when the other parent is unwell intstead of you?

It is not my job to come up with plans for his children. I don’t know him or his set up.

Maybe one plan is for him to actually speak to the mother of his children and discuss it between themselves? Leave the OP out of it.

Maybe he can pay the mum for taking time off if the problem is needing to pay the bills and keep a roof over her kids heads. To play what ifs - if they were still together they’d be absorbing the financial burden of his illness together.

We really don’t have enough details to solve this for them.

I wasn’t harassing her. My comment was that it was down to DH to sort something out. I only spoke about the OP in relation to the spurious post about DH making arrangements for her Chil if he was doing it for his others. And if you can’t see how petty and jealous that post was, you have issues you need to resolve.

@DearestGentleReader Found it for you. To clear up my thoughts on the matter.

I agree whole heartedly, @looop114 , the other parent should look after the child, however you are part of the blended family and hence have taken on your partners childre, so you are at least 1st reserve.

Poor kid, they do know when we cba with them you know.

I do think in this particular case, then yes, the mother should really take care of the children, but obviously it depends on her work schedule too, but think she should be more accommodating.

Generally speaking though, I don't think it's black & white at all, and blended families work differently for different families. I didn't cast a vote on this due to it not being a simple yes/no answer.

The children are her and your DH's responsibility. He could ask you to look after them for him, but you are not obligated to. So in that case, yes, it is their mother's responsibility to have them because their father is unavailable. She should not be bothering you about this stuff. You are nothing to do with her.

Yes she needs to look after her own children. Like you said, if it was men they wouldn't be pestering each other. I'd tell her to look after her own kids, then ignore her.

So your ex doesn’t matter?

he’s their dad. If you cannot care for them then he is their parent.

your new dh may find it “horribly undermining”, but what about your ex’s feelings when he’s left out of the decision regarding his kids care?

my brothers ex was like this and it broke his heart that some other man would be looking after his kids, and he wasn’t even asked. He hated that the OM was essentially living his life- his house, his wife, his kids, even his car.

i agree with o/p. If dad is incapacitated mum should have them. It would be the same if they were together- if one of them was seriously ill the other would have to rearrange work and other plans and see to the kids.

It’s the double standards here that would get to me. I would say calmly remember that time we looked after dc because you were sick? I assume you’ll be getting <boyfriend> to do that in future.

This. And the sole reason the children are come round is to see their dad. Who is not there.

If the children have close step-sibling relationships then it might be nice but shouldn’t be expected of a woman whose partner is in hospital and is already carrying the extra load at home.

No. The assumption is that each parent will arrange necessary childcare during their hours. Depending on circumstances it may be appropriate to ask the other parent whether they are willing and able to cover, but not to assume they will. The sick parent might ask a grandparent, partner or friend to help out, as in any other childcare scenario.

@bridgetreilly So when one parent is ill in hospital, the other parent doesn’t step in? I wonder how that makes the children feel, knowing that they can’t rely on a parent in a crisis?

Both of my parents were hospitalized at various times during my childhood. It was scary and would’ve been worse knowing that the well parent wasn’t willing to look after me.

If his ex became unwell and couldn’t take care of the children would your DH take them outside his regular contact times if she was that unwell at home or ended up in hospital even if it meant it didn’t fit in with your children and usual routine? Or would you be expecting her wider family to step up and look after them?

No, I don't if it will have a financial cost- it's the responsibility of that parent to find alternative options. Not all seperated parents can juts drop everything, same as current partners can't.

This situation is so sad, the children are bound to be upset that their Dad is ill in hospital and the adults are bickering about who should have them. What they really need is love and reassurance that their Dad’s going to be OK. 🙁

I'm with you OP. My dcs are my responsibility and my ex's. If he can't cover his six hours a week, it's down to me.

His new woman does not come into the equation and I would never expect her to be responsible. She is not my dcs family.

But equally, she has no input, and her views in terms of parenting are irrelevant.

In family court the judge asked my ex what his back up plan was in periods of illness- he was diagnosed with an illness after we divorced- and my ex said me (he has a long term partner). The judge said that although I could be asked my ex has a responsibility to pay for any childcare costs and also to reach out to family members

My child frequently spends a lot of time with her aunt on my exes contact time when he is fit and well as he goes on holiday, weekends away alot with his partner minus our child

Although it may be correct according to the legal arrangements that OP (or another relative) must look after the DSC in DH’s parenting time if he is ill, I think in these particular circumstances the mother should step in as this will be a stressful and frightening time for them. If he’s very seriously ill the mother must step up and give them emotional support and it would most likely be better for them psychologically to be in their other home more removed from the stress.

Ultimately the parents are both responsible for their children at all times.

Doesn't matter what mum has on. As a parent you sort it out you don't just shrug your shoulders and say not my problem.

Does your DH do 50/50 usually.
If not, why not?

I think this is the element that a lot of people are overlooking. I've helped after my DSC when my DH has been a bit ill. I've even voluntarily covered a day of the school holidays now and then for both mum and dad. But if dad was hospitalised they would WANT their mum.

I agree with the first paragraph but not the second.

I’m a step mother but still married to my kids dad so no skin in the game from that perspective. I’ve read lots of threads on here where mum is incredibly unhappy that dad wants the childcare to default back to them in mum’s child free time so I wouldn’t assume the second bit.

Poor kids. They must be so worried about their dad and want their mum.

I'm with you OP. Mum should WANT to have them.

Each situation is different. If one parent in in hospital and completely incapacitated then the family as a whole need to decide how to manage childcare and bring in help. This would be the same if parents were together or separated. The fact is, in this situation there is a third capable adult in the mix and while the responsibility lies with mum any other adults or family members should try and help where they can.

If their mum was ill in hospital would you be happy if their dad took 3 weeks off work and looked after the DC 24/7 without trying to find other help and support?