To think if one parent can't look after the DC, it's the other parents responsibility to do so?

[looop114]

And not their partners?

If two parents are separated and one of them becomes unwell (not just a cold but actually very poorly and unable to look after the DC kind of unwell), it should be automatically the other parents responsibility to look after the children and not the unwell parents partner or spouse?

They can if they want to obviously but the initial assumption should be that the other parent will parent their children even though its not "their time" when the other is not able to? Providing both are involved parents.

Aibu to think this is the case and that it's quite entitled to make assumptions that your co parents partner/spouse will look after your DC when the other parent is unwell intstead of you?

It's interesting how few posters have mentioned what the DH should be putting in place to protect OP from having to pick up his share of parenting her own children.
Isn't it strange how the first model is such a precious flower and has such important things to do that she can't possibly be expected to step up and look after her own kids, meanwhile the upgrade is such a beacon of strength that she can be expected to not only carry on with her own job, support her sick husband and look after her own children, she can just take on the other kids in top and it's all fine, no extra support needed for her!

What a blinder the DH played. And anyway the cheeky sod has no right to be so ill in the first place. He has responsibilities!
🙄

@neilyoungismyhero

maybe one that needs to work to keep a roof over their heads?

maybe the kids SM is quite happy to discipline them when she sees fit, have her say in their lives when it suits her (schooling/activitues/bedtimes) but is now not wanting to step up?!?!

@looop114 not saying that's your situation, but just part of what makes this decision not back & white.

You can’t play what ifs. If they were still married Mum’s life would be set up around having the kids every day.

Look, I’m the only one stupid enough to argue with you. I’m far from the only one who doesn’t blame Mum for not being available. So many posters are quick to judge the mum without knowing her circumstances.

I think you'll find the vast majority are thinking along the same lines as me here.

I am asking you what other plans could the man have made and you've not come up with any. The mother therefore should be responsible for her own dc.

@Notimeforaname

what if she has to work? Has other caring responsibilities?

should she lose her job & not be able to pay the rent & lose the roof over the kids heads?

@ILoveYouItsRuiningMyLife

yes, definitely!!

if a parent is too sick to care for their child, the other parent should step in for most circumstances.

The large caveat would be pregnancy. Since that is planned and done with a new partner, the new partner needs to be willing to accept some of the pregnant partner’s responsibilities if she is incapacitated or unavailable for any reason. It’s just too likely to happen with pregnancy or a new baby so it needs to be part of the planning and no extra burden should fall on the other parent.

I am sorry to hear your husband is in hospital - I sincerely hope he recovers.

When I was hospitalised for a couple of weeks close to death, and then unwell enough to be unable to function well for a few months afterwards, then my daughter did stay with her dad the whole time with visits to me of gradually increasing length, until I was well enough to resume our shared care arrangement fully. (She was about 10 so it wasn't even like she needed that much care, but I just wasn't well enough to give her the time and attention she ideally needed as I was sleeping a lot in the day, etc.)

This is what worked best for all of us involved (and I do have a partner who could have looked after if need be and would have I am sure, but actually the need didn't arise).

I don't think there is a right or wrong on this at all. There are so many variables connected with people's work, the age of the kids, how close you all live, what other family support is in place etc.

I would imagine that all adults involved would work together to create the best possible care for the children in this difficult and scary time for them while a parent is in hospital. Nobody who cares for the ill person and/or their childhood would be making "their rights" a priority at this point I wouldn't think. It isn't the time for point scoring and pissing each other off etc.

.

Aren’t you the goody little goat 😂 Presumably OP can find her own support for her children on her contact time if she needs it, or she could ask DH if she felt so inclined.

Well, it sounds as if the children are currently with the OP, plus her own children, presumably spending most of half-term in and out of hospital visiting her DH. What a fun half-term for them all.

The children are bound to be upset seeing their Dad so unwell and the OP is dealing with everyone’s distress.

@CwmYoy

awful mother?? Maybe, crazy idea I know, but she may have to be at work or risk losing her job??

Would your DH be there for his ex if the situation was reversed? How much contact time does he have? You've said this could be long term. If she's single she has one wage to rely on, to support her DC. Id imagine with you saying this could long term, she may risk losing her job. Would you be willing for your DH to lose his job supporting his ex? I'd say he should have some sort of backup, but I'd imagine as his wife he'd expected you to help.

Why isn't it to easy to presume the kids own mother can do the same?
It's just easier to harass the wife of a sick man who is also juggling her own small kids I suppose.

I agree with you. If my ex had to go into hospital I would collect my children immediately. If I had gone away for the weekend, or for work, and couldn't physically collect them straight away I would change my plans and come home as soon as I could. I'd be very grateful for anyone who looked after them in the interim but it's not their responsibility to do so.

It would be unfortunate that it's on "his time" but these things happen. No way would I nitpick over that.

I doubt my ex would do the same though, he'd expect my mum to do it. Sigh

Yanbu. Imagine not looking after your own DC because you want to point score over your ex, expecting his partner to look after your own children for you all week.

Awful. And those poor children. Dad is sick and mum wants her week off.

YABU to presume that is the 'default' way that things should work out.

Every family is different. Everybody's circumstances are different. I would presume that the NRP works their life out around the fact the children aren't with them on certain days, and that there is no default responsibility for them to drop work when it isn't their turn.

I mean, yes, in an ideal world, we'd all help out whoever we can, whenever we can, but you don't have to be on MN very long to realise how many people don't think like that. One would generally assume that where parents have separated, there is generally not much love lost between them, and there is always some history.

You’re married. Of course you look after the children and not just your biological children. You shouldn’t be viewing them as not your responsibility because their dad is ill. If this is how you felt about his children you shouldn’t have married him.

Omg of course YANBU.

The kid has two parents,
one is ill so the ACTUAL mum has to have her own kid for longer…..Ohhh no.

If my DH fell ill and my SC were here or due to be, I'd take care of them, no problem. Their mum (even though she thinks I'm the devil) still has to work. DH would care for my children in a heartbeat.

Well neither do the family court Isnt that correct. No parental responsibility

I would imagine it depends whether there is a court order in place.

If so, it's nice if the other parent steps up but no one can force them to. It happens to women all the time unfortunately.

One would generally assume that where parents have separated, there is generally not much love lost between them, and there is always some history.

@NewName24 It’s more about what’s best for and would make your children happy though, isn’t it, not how you feel about your ex?

if you absolutely can’t look after them due to work, travel, etc. , then you can’t. But if you can manage it, I think most parents would want to, rather than have them spending their half-term visiting their Dad in hospital, because I imagine the OP is there most days.

I suppose I feel strongly, because both my parents had spells in hospital during my childhood and visiting your parent hooked up to machines and/or heavily medicated, surrounded by other ill people, can be very upsetting.

I’d do just about anything to protect my children from that experience. 🤷

You’re married. Of course you look after the children and not just your biological children. You shouldn’t be viewing them as not your responsibility because their dad is ill. If this is how you felt about his children you shouldn’t have married him

She gave birth to them. Of course she is responsible for her children and not just on "her" time. She shouldn't be viewing them as not her responsibility because it's their dad's scheduled time. If this is how she felt about children she shouldn't have had any.

I find these threads so odd. DH and his ex have always worked together to take care of the SCs. He often had them on "her" time for reasons from her wanting a night out, to her having a work deadline to her being ill. He didn't argue and expect her to pay for a babysitter out of pettiness because they are his kids. Incredibly weird that parents would be inflexible with each other when one is in hospital.

I edited my comment because I realised I’d made a mistake. Obviously 🙄

Made up comment! If I wanted to make something up why would I change it to be accurate???

I’m not an ex. I’m just not rushing to condemn the mum when we don’t know why she can’t have the kids.

To say a mum doesn’t want them without have a good reason to say that is vile and you, my dear, are the one projecting.