Tell me what to say: DD and arrogant BF

[ODFOx]

Please bear with me (it's long)
She's the youngest and last one to go to Uni (this year). Her Dad died when she was 11, her self worth is poor and her self belief is less that zero (in spite of all our efforts).
She's beautiful, clever, funny, artistically talented and terribly troubled.
Current BF (although apparently they aren't dating although they spend every evening together and are intimate (this is linking not dating?) ), seems to be horrid to her: tells her she needs to be prettier and calmer and not swear and change her clothes etc etc before he can introduce her to his parents, that she shouldn't talk about losing her father, that being accepted to a fine art degree isn't a proper degree, that she needs to dress better, speak better, behave better.
At this stage I know neither this young man (not saying boy or lad) or his parents and he seems a bit of an idiot to me, but it's important to her that we make a good impression.
Anyhoo, he's coming for Sunday dinner, one of a group of 12 (16 total) and she has told us that his Mother is a trained chef and he 'despises parents who can't cook well', as well as a string of opinions on a range of topics that make me want to poke him in the eye and DH was to punch him on the nose.
I won't be cowed on dinner and will churn out the usual 'pick what you want and we won't mind either way and if there's really nothing you fancy I'm happy to make egg or beans on toast' but...
He's going to make judgements and comments about us, our home, the food we serve and the life we
lead; and while I already don't rate his opinion I know that DD cares very much. I honestly have nothing in my practical or emotional battery to help her right now, without actually being rude to him.

Please can anyone help me with stock phrases and tips to keep calm? DD likes him even though she can see that he isn't kind to her.
He treats her disrespectfully and it makes me furious given that he's also telling her how to behave to be acceptable to meet his family.
I struggle with small talk. Can anyone help me with innocuous phrases to help an introvert aspi (DS) and me (NT but knackered), navigate the way though without causing to much anguish between DD and him, or her and me. Thanks

Trsut me, tell her hes no good for her and she will get closer to him - leave them to it

I'm gobsmacked you're letting him in your house tbh and feeding a load of people you seem to be saying will judge you all.

Just don't engage. He will find something to criticise if he has to tie himself in a knot to do it, let it be water off a duck's back. I find lots of hm? and Is that so? are good ways to shut people off, but if faced with someone like that I would most probably be tempted to wind him up as much as possible just to keep myself sane.

Not saying you should do it, but oh, the temptation.

He’s abusive. Your daughter needs to look at some Lundy Bancroft books and become aware of the danger she is in!

Its exactly what op should be doing.
Dd on side and in sight is what matters.

Ah ffs wrong quote.
Apologies.

He sounds grim. Who are the other guests - are they your friends/ relatives? I would be inclined to let the silly little tit continue making an idiot of himself in front of everyone.

If he is rude to you or dh or your dd. I think you have every right to turn round and say 'did you mean to be rude?'
I'd also talk dd up. How proud you are of her. How her degree is going to be amazing. I'd wax lyrical.

I agree with the above. Tell her how wonderful she is. Use specific praise to counteract his specific criticism.

Get excited with her about uni- take her for stuff for her room. Get her siblings on board too, if you can.

As for the lunch. Rise far above it. Let her witness your zen over his petty rudeness. Sounds like he likes the sound of his own voice, so ask him questions so he can show what a twat he is when he answers.

Any overt twattishness gets a sweet smile and a raised eyebrow.

Let him embarrass the fuck out of himself whilst she observes.

The biggest smile you can muster and an ‘well isn’t that lovely? DH, would you pass the peas please?’

Until she’s ready to see it, keep her as close as possible. And if she decides to move in with him, or give up her studies to get a job to support him in his, then you bury him under the patio. But for now, deep breath, welcoming smile and if she asks you what you think, tell her he seems a very interesting person.

I’d do a lot of gushing over your DD, how amazing her fine arts choice is, how clever & wonderful she is etc & I would stamp down any negativity from him “oh really, we don’t think so” “oh you’re doing a xxx degree, how marvellous, our friend Tarquin that did that one, he’s still looking for a job 14 years late”

Then when no one else was looking apart from him, I’d glare at him with a definite ‘treat my DD like shit & you’ll wish you never did’ face🤣

all smiles when my DD was in earshot/sight but not when she wasn’t.

Theres no way I could be nice to this tosser! Passive aggressive all the way.

What a little charmer he is, isn't he? Don't you know someone who would have a quiet word with the little shit on a dark night, somewhere where there are no witnesses?

Failing that, I guess your only option is to invite him round as often as possible, kill him with kindness, and if he makes any comments about the food you offer, other than polite ones, give him an apron, and point him in the direction of the kitchen, whilst telling him that if he's such an expert you feel sure he can knock up something cordon bleu with what you have in the fridge, then watch him back peddle!

If none of those things work, then tell him how much you're looking forward to buying a hat for their wedding!😂

Wipe his plate with a cloth that you washed the dogs bowls with , wiped floor with ,wiped dogs arse with, wiped toilet seat with ..........

Isn't variety wonderful, yes we do all like different things, oh you prefer x it's y for me! Oh your mother sounds like a marvellous cook, you are ever so lucky to have her.
He sounds like an absolute dick, I also think it's highly unlikely he'll say anything to your face, I think he'll be fake and then tear you down/sneer to your daughter after. Bullies aren't brave.

I hope he is going to dress better, speak better, behave better and make himself prettier before Sunday 🙂

The golden rule is to never object to your children's objectionable friends. Nothing at all in the rules about accidentally pouring gravy in his lap.

I doubt he'd have the guts to be rude to your face or put DD down in front of you but if he does, tell him to get the fuck out of your house. Show your DD by example not to take any shit from him. You say she likes him even though he's unkind to her. You need to get it through her head that she is worth much better than that. Don't pretend to like him if you don't - tell DD that it's impossible for you to like someone who treats her badly.

Oh god I'm dreading my DD being old enough to date. I wouldn't be able to not say, why are you with that rude and unpleasant piece of shit? OR punch him in the nose.

Bf : says something unkind or disrespectful to your DD
You : Do not talk to or about my daughter like that .
Bf : says another rude thing
You : That is the second rude thing you have said to my daughter . Stop it .
Would anyone like some cheese with your apple pie and custard ?
Bf : Says third rude thing
You : Put down your pudding spoon rude boy , and get out .

Who else is there? As many as you can get on board to counteract anything he says. Its a cliche, but the MN's raised eyebrow or 'did you mean to be rude?' are useful when used sparingly and for the most obviously offensive comments, everything else deflect and move on.

If you're knackered and not in the right head space, this dinner isn't the time to fight back. Because don't forget this is just one moment, to a degree the meal will be what it will be, but start finding as many opportunities to do stuff with DD away from him. Book gallery visits or cinema/theatre tickets at weekends and get her doing stuff away from him. Rally the troops of family and friends to get her excited for Uni - and to be there when she first starts so she's not tempted to turn to him when she gets wobbles in the first weeks.

Be nice and polite and let his bad manners stick out like a sore thumb

Go grey rock. Steel yourself away and enforce your barriers/boundaries.
https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/grey-rock
This will help you have the energy to deal with his inevitable presence. Patience while your daughter slowly realises he's a dick (hopefully)

Having been on mn for quite a long time this sounds very similar to the beginning of the Chopin and champagne threads the dd is now married to the rude arsehole, living in 19th century conditions in Ireland, isolated from all family and lost all her friends, pregnant with dc no 4 and nc with Chopin.

it’s a very tricky game to navigate and one particular incident the DH known on mn as lobster boy keeps harping back to was being thrown out of the house at the beginning of the relationship.

chopin if you’re still about hope you’re ok.

to OP ignore the rudeness and massively play up your dds achievements anything you can do to surreptitiously move her away from him do it but anything too obvious may well backfire.

Also just reread your opening post , so she’ll be away from him at uni? Dissing her degree might be a way of control to try and make her back out.

To give you hope I was with an absolutely abusive dickhead in my late teens. My parents hated him. I don’t blame them but they didn’t handle it well. They constantly nagged me to dump him, so much so that I couldn’t because I felt it was them deciding for me. I needed them to lay off to see the wood from the trees. Now married to someone who’s absolutely fine and met him not long after dickhead (he’s ages a million times better than dickhead too, who works as security in a local supermarket and looks like shit, karma visits).

Just ask him to repeat every single rude comment he makes. Smile and say sorry I didn’t catch that, can you repeat it.