Tell me what to say: DD and arrogant BF

[ODFOx]

Please bear with me (it's long)
She's the youngest and last one to go to Uni (this year). Her Dad died when she was 11, her self worth is poor and her self belief is less that zero (in spite of all our efforts).
She's beautiful, clever, funny, artistically talented and terribly troubled.
Current BF (although apparently they aren't dating although they spend every evening together and are intimate (this is linking not dating?) ), seems to be horrid to her: tells her she needs to be prettier and calmer and not swear and change her clothes etc etc before he can introduce her to his parents, that she shouldn't talk about losing her father, that being accepted to a fine art degree isn't a proper degree, that she needs to dress better, speak better, behave better.
At this stage I know neither this young man (not saying boy or lad) or his parents and he seems a bit of an idiot to me, but it's important to her that we make a good impression.
Anyhoo, he's coming for Sunday dinner, one of a group of 12 (16 total) and she has told us that his Mother is a trained chef and he 'despises parents who can't cook well', as well as a string of opinions on a range of topics that make me want to poke him in the eye and DH was to punch him on the nose.
I won't be cowed on dinner and will churn out the usual 'pick what you want and we won't mind either way and if there's really nothing you fancy I'm happy to make egg or beans on toast' but...
He's going to make judgements and comments about us, our home, the food we serve and the life we
lead; and while I already don't rate his opinion I know that DD cares very much. I honestly have nothing in my practical or emotional battery to help her right now, without actually being rude to him.

Please can anyone help me with stock phrases and tips to keep calm? DD likes him even though she can see that he isn't kind to her.
He treats her disrespectfully and it makes me furious given that he's also telling her how to behave to be acceptable to meet his family.
I struggle with small talk. Can anyone help me with innocuous phrases to help an introvert aspi (DS) and me (NT but knackered), navigate the way though without causing to much anguish between DD and him, or her and me. Thanks

I would struggle not to say 'fuck off out of my daughter's life you arrogant abusive little fucking prick.'
And if his parents are there 'you have massively fucked up in raising this fucking prick.'

I wouldn’t let him in my house either - I would judge already that his father is likely abusive; the way he is speaking to your daughter is misogyny but being spoken by a young lad.. these words spoken by a man of 40 would be abusive and controlling. I can see if you alienate him you risk asp alienating your DD.. in your shoes I would either:

• tolerate him for now and hope when she goes to uni he will fuck off (only if I thought there was serious risk the second option would cause her to become more distant from me)

• or I would put my foot down and refuse to allow him into your family.

its important in both cases your daughter knows that his behaviour towards her is absolutely not acceptable and possibly illegal tbh and that you absolutely do not approve and that this is not a good partner and he is abhorrent towards women. I would be making that very loud and very clear. I may also consider contacting his parents to introduce myself and I would probably say to them I would normally have invited you for dinner etc but given how your son speaks to my daughter I’m afraid I won’t in this case.

In all seriousness I hope she sees sense and gets away from him, and knows that you had her back.

I would back the rude comments back in a diplomatic way. What does he do in life?

Look up Cluster B personality disorders and see if the BF fits this. Bet he might. If he is like this, you seriously need to protect your daughter and show him the door if he is rude to anyone. Your daughter needs some therapy to learn to set personal boundaries so she isn’t low hanging fruit for the next predator. I am speaking from some personal experience I had with one of these types, and it took me a long time to get over it.

My MIL says these sorts of things to me and it makes me run an absolute mile. Obvs we aren’t blood though. And I don’t have lovey dovey relationships with my own mother so it’s just suffocating for me. I hope you have better luck with your granddaughter but it’s just too too too much for me! X

My sister had a relationship like this when she was in her early twenties. He thought that everything his family did was perfect (or that’s what he said) and my sister had to try to live up to this ideal. He was always saying that his parents had done a perfect job in bringing him up and he wanted the same for his own family. My sister felt pressurised to be the perfect girlfriend, and he had lots of things that he thought she needed to change. He once told her she needed to talk less when they were out with friends as she came over ‘too dominant’ 😡. She’s bright, funny and interesting which he didn’t like. He also turned up his nose at her career (she has a degree from Cambridge), expecting her to run around and make sure his own career was supported and nurtured and not caring about hers. He was clearly feeling insecure because she’s much brainier than he is (not that she ever made a big deal of it). It also turned out that his dad had had an affair, mum had taken him back etc. not perfect at all but my sister said it was like a game of ‘pretend’ at their house. It’s likely that your DD’s bf’s home life is not as great as he implies although that’s no excuse at all for his shocking behaviour. I’m assuming he’s fairly young too…sounds like he needs some intervention too as this isn’t looking good for his behaviour in the years ahead….

To add a bit of context, our dad died when my sister was 13 and 8-10 years on she hadn’t really dealt with it. It had an impact on all her relationships with guys in that she always dated people that didn’t really value her for all her great qualities, put her down etc. She also says in hindsight that she was desperate for unconditional love for a romantic relationship and was willing to put up with a lot of rubbish to try to get it. We were and are extremely close as sisters but she hid it well and pushed on.

The change came when she realised she needed counselling to sort out the emotions and grief of losing dad. Three weeks in to the counselling and she’d dumped the boyfriend with far less drama than I was expecting (in the past break ups had caused her such pain it was hard to witness) and within six months she was dating the guy she would later marry who is completely fab.

I don’t know your situation or your daughter but talking therapy might really help her to sort out her emotions and grief about her dad and help her to feel strong enough to see bf’s poor behaviour for what it is. At the moment it may be that to her any attention and ‘love’ however appalling it looks to everyone else is better than no bf at all.

It’s so hard to watch from the sidelines isn’t it? I’m sure he’ll be all sweetness and light at your home but if he isn't, I think being straight with him about his rudeness and the inappropriateness of his comments to and about your daughter might help
her to see that his behaviour is unacceptable. It might also give her some words and tools to deal with it herself. If he’s not rude at your home I’d still be reiterating to your daughter that she’s worth so much more than that and that she should expect to be treated well etc etc. You sound like a lovely mum and I’m sure you’ll find the balance between making it clear that such behaviour is not to be tolerated and not pushing her away by making her feel
she has to defend him.

The best of luck!

Thank you for all the replies.
We haven't met him yet so all my information has come from DD. I am not going to do anything to risk that line of communication. When anxious she can be quite oppositional (especially to me) so my watching brief is to reflect back the things she tells me without passing harsh judgement.

I’ve met so many people like this when I was at university. He is a huge red flag obviously. I imagine he will be really polite to you and then really rude about you afterwards to your daughter. He will try and isolate her as he already is being very controlling.

I would approach it in this way lol my sisters ex boyfriend was a complete nob and really thought he was better than everyone else and thought it was so important to have the best job, the best car and OMG he loved to look down on people. I got on extremely well with him and acted like I was all interested in his very important job but right from the start I pulled him up on his ignorant opinions but not in an arsey way lol I asked him to explain himself because I found it odd that anyone would think that way and I could see on his face that I made him feel stupid but all while being really friendly with him 😂 it unnerved him and i don't think he knew how to take me but i always made it known that he couldn't intimidate me so he stopped all that shit and in a round about way knew I would not stand for anyone treating my sister as a piece of shit. Didn't have to be aggressive or rude and he didn't have a bad word to say about me because like I say we got on well but I think I made him feel like a twat

You haven’t actually met this young man yet - not sure how old he is but I assume around 18 - and yet you’ve got grown adults online talking about pouring boiling hot gravy over him based on what your daughter has said.

I’ve read your OP again and he just sounds like a lot of 18 year olds - immature, foolish and arrogant - which you’d expect given his age. Telling her not to talk about her father is strange, but everyone is anxious about introducing their partner to their parents.

I don’t swear in front of my parents and would expect a partner not to if I was to introduce them. I would likely tell them to mind their language but I certainly wouldn’t expect to be accused of being abusive for it!

My brother once had a girlfriend who was dreadful, and we were relieved when he finally got rid of her given how abusive she was. She would swear freely - dropping cunts and fucks loudly in restaurants, dress inappropriately, talk openly about what she gets up to at raves and all the drugs she’d be high on, she’d argue with him, scream at him and tell total strangers about her mental health struggles and suicide attempts and generally didn’t seem to know how to behave. All of this would be in front of parents, cousins, elderly grandparents and extended family.

I’m not saying your daughter is like this, but I don’t think a person who asks someone not to swear, to cover up, to be calm and not have a meltdown and to generally behave themselves in front of their family is an abusive arsehole.

I'd be tempted to say something to his parents if he starts criticising/being rude to your daughter or about your home while they're their. Along the lines of, 'I'm so glad you could join us. We wanted to ask you if your son has always been emotionally abusive twat and generally unkind to people he claims to care about or if this is a new thing we all need to be concerned about?' Loudly.

There are some good videos on tiktok about emotional abuse and how to recognise it. Your poor dad needs to understand the concept..

Stock phrase - piss off home if you don’t like it.

I wouldn’t have indulged this for a minute. Who does it serve to cook for him and to pretend to like him? What message does it send to your daughter?

I know this seems to be the standard advice but i query whether it is effective. I would have said No dd, I don’t entertain abusive people in my home. End of. Because you’re going to try to encourage your dd to have boundaries with him while you have none yourself.

This male is showing classic signs of being an abuser. You need to educate your daughter on signs of abuse and controlling behaviour.

Personally if a jumped up lad with no life experience started criticising my life I’d bring him to task on it. At 18 you’re a child masquerading as an adult and you as the adult shouldn’t be made to feel small in your own home by this lad. Show your daughter what not putting up with fragile male egos looks like.

Probably just stick to basic manners even if he can’t do the same.

He sounds like a controlling little shit and best of luck to your daughter in realising she doesn’t have to put up with that.

He sounds like a coercive narcissist and your DD would be much better off without him especially if she is going to uni and will meet loads of new friends. There's not much you can do except be there for her. Does she have a close friend who might support her or other family member?

It's such a tricky line to walk. I hope she will soon see him for the twat that he is. I think her degree choice is wonderful. A world without art would be horrid, and I'm thankful to the people who keep it going instead of taking 'safer' options.

Yes, this is good advice. If you tell her to leave him, she’ll do the opposite. The problem is, people with his sort of personality (overbearing, arrogant, controlling, etc) seek out girls with low self-esteem. He’s targeted your daughter because he can bully and control her. He would never get with a sharp, confident girl, because she’d cut him down to size. When you meet people like that, they test you out. You have to let them know where you stand right from the start.

I’m very sorry for her though. I really hope she leaves him and finds someone who makes her feel beautiful and loveable.

You need to raise your expectations. It is absolutely not ‘what’s expected’ for an 18 year old to behave like this. This is the narrative that allows these 18 year olds to become 20/30/40 and behave like this, he is an adult and should behave better. Whether OP chooses to ‘let some things go’ so as not to alienate her daughter is one thing, but she certainly shouldn’t think it’s normal or ok.

"You're no longer welcome in DD home. You seem to have been dragged up by animals. Please leave before I call the police."

It's polite, no?

If he disrespects you in your own home I'd ask him to leave. I wouldn't give a fuck.

DP strategy would be - get him drunk, just keep refilling his wine. DP did this to a friend’s hideous BF. Hideous BF was at our home going on & on about his politics (anti capitalist), yet he grew up very privileged, let’s u know his godmother is well known celeb and got his finance job thru daddy. He also wanked on about poverty & benefits as if he actually knew about either!
He was so drunk that he dropped & broke some crockery, lost his phone in the garden whilst vomiting and urinated out a window. He cut himself down to the tiny weenie that he is/was. No bluster at all after that & we never saw him again.

Hopefully him being a complete tosspot at the Sunday lunch will give her the ick she needs to give him the boot!

I had a confidence wobble from someone who made me feel ‘less than’ for a little while but now I reflect on the judgy comments he made about others and chuckle with relief that I didn’t end up stuck with him.