Tell me what to say: DD and arrogant BF

[ODFOx]

Please bear with me (it's long)
She's the youngest and last one to go to Uni (this year). Her Dad died when she was 11, her self worth is poor and her self belief is less that zero (in spite of all our efforts).
She's beautiful, clever, funny, artistically talented and terribly troubled.
Current BF (although apparently they aren't dating although they spend every evening together and are intimate (this is linking not dating?) ), seems to be horrid to her: tells her she needs to be prettier and calmer and not swear and change her clothes etc etc before he can introduce her to his parents, that she shouldn't talk about losing her father, that being accepted to a fine art degree isn't a proper degree, that she needs to dress better, speak better, behave better.
At this stage I know neither this young man (not saying boy or lad) or his parents and he seems a bit of an idiot to me, but it's important to her that we make a good impression.
Anyhoo, he's coming for Sunday dinner, one of a group of 12 (16 total) and she has told us that his Mother is a trained chef and he 'despises parents who can't cook well', as well as a string of opinions on a range of topics that make me want to poke him in the eye and DH was to punch him on the nose.
I won't be cowed on dinner and will churn out the usual 'pick what you want and we won't mind either way and if there's really nothing you fancy I'm happy to make egg or beans on toast' but...
He's going to make judgements and comments about us, our home, the food we serve and the life we
lead; and while I already don't rate his opinion I know that DD cares very much. I honestly have nothing in my practical or emotional battery to help her right now, without actually being rude to him.

Please can anyone help me with stock phrases and tips to keep calm? DD likes him even though she can see that he isn't kind to her.
He treats her disrespectfully and it makes me furious given that he's also telling her how to behave to be acceptable to meet his family.
I struggle with small talk. Can anyone help me with innocuous phrases to help an introvert aspi (DS) and me (NT but knackered), navigate the way though without causing to much anguish between DD and him, or her and me. Thanks

How did it go @ODFOx ?

@ODFOx how did Sunday lunch go we're all desperate to know!

Please tell us what happens when he is over. I’m invested.
I have two daughters.
I feel an honest conversation with her about abusive behaviour, how it starts is really important. I would also get a few books on it for her.
I would be very keen to meet him to get a measure of him myself.
I would inform all other guests of what he’s like.
I would ask him to repeat his remarks.
I would be inclined to get him alone and threaten to have his legs broken if he doesn’t fuck off.

He might not be that bad if the information is coming only from your DD. I would see what he's like yourself. He might be ok.
Update us, you never know he might be completely the opposite to you from what DD says

Especially important since this information is second hand, they've not metal him yet

Sweetheart this man has all the signs of being an abuser. Your daughter is exactly the kind of girl he will want to abuse because she’s sweet and beautiful and clever but with low self esteem. Keep a very close eye on her, she needs you more than ever.

It's Monday now, so how did it go ?

He cancelled!
She was gutted. We went ahead with dinner but she went out with friends instead.
If we are ever going to meet him it really shouldn't be for the next few days at least or DH will say what he really thinks.

What a coward!

what pathetic excuse did he give her !

Little bastard! I'd want to hang him from his oh, so superior nuts!!

What was his excuse? How is your DD today?

Every cloud...

Hopefully this opens her eyes.

They always are the cowards.

Yes, I agree! Although we hate to see our children distressed in any way, this is hopefully a learning experience for your daughter insofar as she may begin to realise that he’s not all that!

I would have a meal out, he can judge their cooking

Please let us know what happens when he finally does show up. What was his reason to your daughter for cancelling?

Do you think his mum or relative recognised the little scrote on this thread & gave him a tip off? The thread was quite identifying in parts so hopefully they won't last long after this. The abusive little shit.

I wondered if someone connected had seen this thread too.

Good job no effort was made for him then!

Who were the others-friends of yours?

Maybe the wanting your DD to change her clothes and her mannerisms was so he could impress his parents that he;d done well for himself . Nice girlfriend , off to University .
Rather than putting her down he was trying to big himself up .
Still not good to bask in someone elses glory but he must have SOME good features for your DD to go out with him.
Mabe she wants yiu to see the bad side in him so she can ditch him without guilt ? Yes you;re right , he is a bit of an arse

You might never know , he might go underground ....you might never need to meet him

Sorry but I’d be saying to your daughter that she shouldn’t have to change the way she dresses or put in an act for anyone other than her boss!!
A boyfriend should be with her for herself not get with her then try to change her!
Id be saying to her that he shouldn’t be expecting her parents to change either, and frankly if he’s making her feel ashamed of either herself or her family then he’s not the one for her! Tell her she can do better and the right person is out there looking for her, no bells or whistles just her, the way she is!
Id be telling my daughter straight that he sounds like a controlling arrogant prick and she needs higher standards because she’s better than him!
I would ask her not to invite him round unless you are allowed to be yourselves in your own home!!!

Call him out on anything inappropriate he says by asking 'What makes you think/say that?' let him try & talk his way out of things & make an even bigger twonk of himself. Chat with your Daughter throughout the meal complimenting the outfit she's wearing, big up her degree by saying how proud you/Grandma/Grandad/Aunts/Uncles are of her & how well she's doing. Start a conversation about 'your work friend' who is so rude & judgemental & how EVERYONE thinks they're a right knob. Go into detail about how 'they gaslight their partner & are too opiniated' say how others can see this person being alone with no friends due to their horrible behaviour. It may well go over his head, however it may also make him think about how he's being with your Daughter.
It's very easy to say do all of the above, if it was my Daughter I'd be telling her he wasn't welcome in our home & that she deserves so much better. however, I respect her decisions & will support her all I can.