Tell me what to say: DD and arrogant BF

[ODFOx]

Please bear with me (it's long)
She's the youngest and last one to go to Uni (this year). Her Dad died when she was 11, her self worth is poor and her self belief is less that zero (in spite of all our efforts).
She's beautiful, clever, funny, artistically talented and terribly troubled.
Current BF (although apparently they aren't dating although they spend every evening together and are intimate (this is linking not dating?) ), seems to be horrid to her: tells her she needs to be prettier and calmer and not swear and change her clothes etc etc before he can introduce her to his parents, that she shouldn't talk about losing her father, that being accepted to a fine art degree isn't a proper degree, that she needs to dress better, speak better, behave better.
At this stage I know neither this young man (not saying boy or lad) or his parents and he seems a bit of an idiot to me, but it's important to her that we make a good impression.
Anyhoo, he's coming for Sunday dinner, one of a group of 12 (16 total) and she has told us that his Mother is a trained chef and he 'despises parents who can't cook well', as well as a string of opinions on a range of topics that make me want to poke him in the eye and DH was to punch him on the nose.
I won't be cowed on dinner and will churn out the usual 'pick what you want and we won't mind either way and if there's really nothing you fancy I'm happy to make egg or beans on toast' but...
He's going to make judgements and comments about us, our home, the food we serve and the life we
lead; and while I already don't rate his opinion I know that DD cares very much. I honestly have nothing in my practical or emotional battery to help her right now, without actually being rude to him.

Please can anyone help me with stock phrases and tips to keep calm? DD likes him even though she can see that he isn't kind to her.
He treats her disrespectfully and it makes me furious given that he's also telling her how to behave to be acceptable to meet his family.
I struggle with small talk. Can anyone help me with innocuous phrases to help an introvert aspi (DS) and me (NT but knackered), navigate the way though without causing to much anguish between DD and him, or her and me. Thanks

Yes I'm torn on the 'just smile and ignore it' advice.

My DM genuinely saved me from a relationship that already seemed abusive in the early stages when I look back (vindicated as he went on to go to prison for domestic abuse).

She sat me down with a list of everything that was very wrong with him and how he was treating me and others, told me she loved me and would take care of me the second I needed it, but that man was not welcome in our home or ever in the family.

I rebelled for a few weeks before slowly realising she was right and what my life would be if I stayed with him and went home. Suddenly I seemed to notice all the things I had been shrugging off.

I have a horrible feeling that if she just smiled, pretended to like him and that everything was normal, that it would have been much harder to spot it early on and to leave him, as I'd believe his gaslighting that it was usual and I was the strange one.

If your daughter has already related to you these awful things he says, I'm guessing she already knows he's awful. If someone was horrible to me, I wouldn't have told my parents if I'd wanted them to have a good relationship...
Is it perhaps a cry for help?

How awful for you. He sounds an absolute horror. He’s obviously the one with insecurities and problems. I would remember that and smile in a superior way. Or just smile and shake your head slightly when he says something rude. Do report back with how it goes.

To his face = "oh bless" or cross examine to expose the lies eg where exactly did his mother study?

To your DD, "I love you and respect your choices, but it's important you know what to look for in a relationship. Many people can be manipulative". Perhaps keep your comments in general terms, rather than referring to BF by name. Support her to make good choices. Don't tell her what to do

Sure you would, but would you take any responsibility if she came to regret taking your advice in the future? No, you want to be able to manipulate and spout off, under the guise of pretending to have their best interests at heart whilst been gone at the whiff of actually looking at the impact you cause. What a cunt!

He wants her to forget about her passion and get a zero hours job where she can live servicing him, and be left open to the accusations about her being weak minded and gullible for doing what he asked. What a cunt!

@42ndchance sounds like you had a lucky escape. I'm glad it turned out well

So difficult, as it could have gone the other way. If you'd been totally smitten by the BF you could have ended up isolated from your DM

Absolutely agree with this. Any sniping back you do will be held up by your DD as an example of how you were 'just as bad'. Don't inadvertently help him. Let his criticisms hang in the air. You raised your DD, presumably she will be torn when she sees him pulling her family apart to their faces. That sense of being torn will help your cause.

I agree with this. I had a mother who never, ever, had a sit down with me - she just smiled, kept her thoughts to herself. As a result, I never had anyone in my life who gave me advice. They just stayed quiet. I wish I had had someone who took me to one side and helped show me how badly I was being treated, because I certainly didn't have the life experience to know this myself.

Are you the BFs mother?

Ugh he sounds awful. Hopefully when she gets to uni SD will meet some nice people and drop him like a rock agree “did you mean to be so rude” can be very good. As can “how fascinating that you should think that”. (Try to channel Maggie Smith in Downton when saying it)

Well aren't you a delight 🙄

I was a an abusive relationship in my teens and my family did try to get along with him, however, ultimately I was told he wasn't welcome in their house anymore as he was so rude and sullen and spoke so badly to me. I carried on with him a year or so but ultimately I knew I had to make a choice between him and my folks and I chose them. It was definitely the right choice.

If he does turn up and behave nicely, I'd still be tactical. Be nothing but complimentary to your DD and don't be drawn into any mocking of her, however gentle. If he says something unpleasant/unkind, reply with something like 'Oh, do you really think so?' or 'Oh, right/I see' and nothing else. Let his comments hang there.

On the flip side, engage happily with comments which aren't dickish. Feed the behaviour you'd like to see!

The one time I thought one of my DDs had an unsuitable boyfriend, I sat her down, pointed out all his faults and told her I would always be polite with him, but that he wasn’t the one for her. I told her she deserved better, that I would not sit back and let him make her unhappy but I would always support her.
they stayed together for a few more weeks until she broke it off with him. He did try to wheedle his way back in, unsuccessfully.
My own DM kept her nose out of my relationships completely, which is how I ended up married to a very abusive, controlling man. When I finally had the courage to leave him, she pointed out that she knew all along he wasn’t husband material but she wanted me to find out for myself. I vowed never to be the same parent as her.

Oh yes . Little chunks of good Cheddar . Wensleydale with warm mince pies .
My mother was from Yorkshire .
Sorry OP for the derail .

Agree. And if he doesn’t then calmly repeat back what he says ‘I heard you say ‘your mother’s potato’s are tastier than mine’ is that what you said because that seems quite a rude thing to say. In this house we try to use our best manners’. Treat him like a toddler you’re trying patiently to improve. I would be calm but assertive every time to try to teach your daughter to call out his behaviour objectively.

Her self esteem is in the toilet.
Can she work on it with therapy or something?
I would pretend you've fallen ill and cancel the dinner. One of his next moves could be to separate her from friends and family. If he meets you, he will goad you into either arguing/conflicting with him or into taking his shit. If you swallow his shit it's a bad example for your daughter in what is acceptable behaviour to stomach. If you conflict with him, you help him along his journey in isolating her from you.
Before you meet him, research how to support a person with a problem/abusive partner to figure out how best to handle him.

Your daughter sounds insecure - is she just anxious you're cooking will be crap in comparison to his parents to is using his words (if he even said them..) to prompt you to cook better so she doesn't feel embarrassed.

It sounds like you think the daughter feeling insecure or OP being a crap cook gives him permission to abuse her. Do you think that’s the case- that if a person feels insecure then it is ok to belittle and denigrate them?
Do you typically find/make up stuff to undermine and insult those whom you despise whilst pretending to like them.

Yup! I wouldn’t tolerate anyone being rude under my nose Certainly not to my child.
But I suspect he won’t, he’s a bully and a coward so probably won’t dare to misbehave.

I would fully expect him to put on a front with you and then tear you all apart when they are alone.

He may not have the balls to be abusive when she is surrounded by family and friends. Have a plan on how to cope when he is outwardly nice.

Respect to you for volunteering to cater for dinner for 16. Are the guests all OK apart from the ghastly boyfriend? If so, leave him to show himself up in front of them - maybe prime two or three of them about what he's like so that they're prepared to keep him under control. It doesn't have to be anything confrontational, but a few well-placed comments may well show him up for the idiot he is - e.g. "Goodness, most people value others according to qualities like kindness, honesty, etc, not whether they are trained cooks" and the classic "Did you mean to be so rude?"

Be super nice and kind to him. He might not recognise it but everyone else will and see that he's a complete arse.

If any of my b/friends had been nasty to my parents for no reason he'd have been out on his ear.

He’s not going to say anything at all in front of you. He’s going to be as nice as he can be. The comments are going to be made afterwards to your daughter - again chipping away at her confidence. I think you should really work on your daughter (with outside help if necessary) in relation to her self confidence and what she deserves in a relationship. Without this changing, she is so at risk from any craphead that shows her any attention.

"sorry daughter, whilst I respect you're now and adult and can choose your own partners, I can't accept him in our home, I won't have someone who treats you so poorly and is clearly an unkind person, around me.

I hope you decide to find someone kinder in the future and I'm always here for you, but no, he's not invited here."

Absolutely no way in hell would he be coming to my house. No. Way.

I can just about get it with pie… but with the custard too 😱

Sorry for the derail. I’m afraid I don’t have any tried and tested advice but my instinct would be to try, above all, not to get into conflict with DD. You don’t want to be the bad guy because that will obviously work in odious boyfriend’s favour.