Tell me what to say: DD and arrogant BF

[ODFOx]

Please bear with me (it's long)
She's the youngest and last one to go to Uni (this year). Her Dad died when she was 11, her self worth is poor and her self belief is less that zero (in spite of all our efforts).
She's beautiful, clever, funny, artistically talented and terribly troubled.
Current BF (although apparently they aren't dating although they spend every evening together and are intimate (this is linking not dating?) ), seems to be horrid to her: tells her she needs to be prettier and calmer and not swear and change her clothes etc etc before he can introduce her to his parents, that she shouldn't talk about losing her father, that being accepted to a fine art degree isn't a proper degree, that she needs to dress better, speak better, behave better.
At this stage I know neither this young man (not saying boy or lad) or his parents and he seems a bit of an idiot to me, but it's important to her that we make a good impression.
Anyhoo, he's coming for Sunday dinner, one of a group of 12 (16 total) and she has told us that his Mother is a trained chef and he 'despises parents who can't cook well', as well as a string of opinions on a range of topics that make me want to poke him in the eye and DH was to punch him on the nose.
I won't be cowed on dinner and will churn out the usual 'pick what you want and we won't mind either way and if there's really nothing you fancy I'm happy to make egg or beans on toast' but...
He's going to make judgements and comments about us, our home, the food we serve and the life we
lead; and while I already don't rate his opinion I know that DD cares very much. I honestly have nothing in my practical or emotional battery to help her right now, without actually being rude to him.

Please can anyone help me with stock phrases and tips to keep calm? DD likes him even though she can see that he isn't kind to her.
He treats her disrespectfully and it makes me furious given that he's also telling her how to behave to be acceptable to meet his family.
I struggle with small talk. Can anyone help me with innocuous phrases to help an introvert aspi (DS) and me (NT but knackered), navigate the way though without causing to much anguish between DD and him, or her and me. Thanks

I’d personally spend the evening complimenting your daughter, praising her for her art degree, her personality etc. Id ask him what his favourite meals are, what he is able to cook? I’d ask him his interests and if there was ever an opportunity to make him feel small or insignificant, I’d take the chance. Also, if I heard any rude remarks towards my child’s I’d do a full 360 and put it on him. Your daughter will see the light eventually. Tell your daughter you will be polite but you won’t be a liar and you won’t bite your tongue for any unkind people in this world.

I think these sort of come backs are perfect.

If he says about his mum being a trained chef - then reply with something like “I’m looking forward to tasting her food” or “I suppose she’ll be having you all round for meals quite regularly then”.

As the PP said, you can counter his comments with positive comebacks, some of which will shut him up (especially if they’re a bit passive aggressive).

The hardest thing is coming up with them on the spot, as you have no idea what he’s going to say.
As PPs have said, he’ll probably be very nice to your face.

Just remember that DD is on his side and so whatever you say to him, she’s going to take personally and feel attacked.

If he’s making rude comments then I would take her to the side or wait until the next day and ask her if he’s always so rude and how that’s not how partners should treat their partners or family.

My Ds' first relationship was with a girl like this.
I 'took the higher ground' & tried not to 'push him away' with opionions re her.
It did not end well (eventual Police involvement - she was quite disturbed).
He was of an age where I could have banned her. I now wish I had.

OP, I actually hope he reveals himself fully at the Lunch. She may 'see it' if so.
Then you can quietly & politely back up your family & Dd every time he is 'off'.
Talk to her afterwards & let her see you know he is not a decent human & that you will support her always but not including welcoming such disrespect again.

I would model how to react to rude people by not allowing him in my home.
How is she going to learn not to accept such behaviour if you go along with it?

If this arogant POS starts to say anything negative about your daughter, I would bat his question back to him.

Him: You need to be prettier
You: Why does she need to be prettier? She's PERFECT as she is.
Him: You need to change your clothes.
You: Why on earth does she need to change? What she's wearing is PERFECT.
Him: Can you stop talking about your late Father.
You: Why is she not allowed to talk about her Father?

You get the gist, every piece of crap he comes out with, reverse it so he has to explain why he's trying to belittle her. He will tie himself up in knots trying to think of a response as I expect he's never been confronted about his behaviour.

I hope she see's him for what he is sooner rather than later & breaks all contact with him.

This can work. Or ask him to explain it...just politely with a slight smile, as if you don't understand..."She needs to talk better? What do you mean?".

You are vile.

I think whatever you cook or whatever you say he will find fault with. I like the idea of you asking him to repeat any rude comments.

My DS had 2 useless and rude friends years ago. Despite my saying that if they couldn't say hello to me in my own home I didn't want them around and trying to move him away from them he stuck to them like glue. He failed his exams because he wanted to be cool like them. It was upsetting and bizarre because he had a group of really good friends, high self esteem and self worth. He went through a really bad patch and these friends were nowhere. His best friend stuck with it and his other friends welcomed him back. He never bothered with them or mentioned them again. Looking back it would have been better if I hadn't interfered perhaps.

With your DD I would go out of my way to keep her close and do things with her whilst not having a go at him. Men like him like to distance women from their families and friends and actively go after women without support or who are vulnerable. I hope he soon either leaves or she realises what he is. It's so hard for you though.

I had a boyfriend similar to this in my late teens. Thankfully I grew a pair and LTB before I had hit 20. My next proper relationship was with my husband (I hope this is a comfort OP)

As for the boy, I would remind yourself that he has probably been nit-picked at himself for most of his life by his 'perfect' mother and family. Use the time to show him how a normal family functions and only that, speaking about your DD of course, but you would do that with a functional boyfriend of hers. Essentially don't let him adjust how you would respond to this situation normally, he won't notice passive aggression because he has never spent time with you, but she will. I remember taking my BF to see my parents and my mum started saying 'Oh isn't Indigo looking good today, don't you think BF' to try and elicit praise from him and I was so embarrassed. Of course it didn't make me leave BF, it just made me less likely to spend time with mum. He was also a 'hang around 24-7 and shag but not a BF'. She'll drop him when she gets to uni and realises there are other, less complicated men in the world.

Op it's your duty to have a frank conversation with your daughter and give her the cold hard truth. If her own mother won't do it, then who will??

Why are you making drinks for people you don’t like?

You are a grown adult and instead of acting like a child, you are in control of who you see and don’t see.

Its disgusting that you spit in peoples drinks.

You cannot be smug about it because you’re still sat there with people you dislike, so you’re still the fool and you haven’t dealt out any justice.

Just stop seeing these people.

@ODFOx

You need to often tell your daughter how you think the world of her and how proud of her achievements you are,

Also encourage her to look up good self help books on improving self esteem and abusive men types relantships especially that book an poster mentioned ubove too,

Also encourage her in regards of having good quality friendships in her life too,
through hobbies and interests,

This Arsehole guy your daughter is currently seeing
clearly 🙄 is extremely insecure and envious to an certain extant of the fact your daughter could do a lot better for herself,
if her self esteem was only so much better,

He obviously knows this fact,
hence the need to kick her verbally down and keep her in the emotional gutter in life,

You need to 💯 per cent explore find a good therapy that looks into effectively addressing issues of childhood grief trauma,
You could need more than one type of therapy,
a mix of therapies to make an effective difference in her life in regards of low self esteem
Do a bit research 🤔 online about this in this regards too,
Which resonate with her ...

I can so relate to your post in so many ways x

Shame you can't get superchef mother to discretely cook for you and wait for him to criticise the fod. Priceless when you reveal the chef!!!!

Stock phrases:
"when are you leaving?"
"Is that the time? Must go and xxx"
"would you like me to call you a cab?"
"goodbye"

I think you have to play the long game. Don’t directly criticise him but ask her questions like
”how did you feel when x asked (insert negative saying)”

I’d be tempted to say
’a trained chef? well not everyone is academic and at least it’s a useful trade.’

Love bomb him. Treat him like a king. That’s the Indian strategy to dealing with an abusive partner. Get him close to you (will involve massaging his ego) and so you will know his every move. The love bombing will stop him from alienating your DD (which is his aim).

Have a notepad read with a pencil (he doesn’t deserve a pen)
When he makes first snarky comment give him the notepad and say:
Thank you so much, in our family we have discussion and ideas for improvement time meetings fortnightly, can you write down your suggestions so we can review at our next discussion time?

Any time he says anything snarky, say “oh, write that down”

Hopefully he keeps quiet.

if he writes anything af all, you can have evidence.

This would be how I would handle it.

Unfortunately I agree with this, it made me think of the same thing.
Please be careful OP.

Ouch!!
😁😁

Just be nice to him and if he says anything dodgy look confused and say ‘oh really, well I would have thought …’ enter opposite of his opinion. As others have said don’t ignore or be rude or she’ll side with him/ he’ll use it against you. I dated an idiot in college too and everything my parents said just made me feel sorry for him. The only thing you might have to consider too is that if she does have a low feeling of self worth she could be reading wrongly into stuff he says and he mightn’t be so bad but just have her back either way (as it sounds like you do already x)

"Are you rude to everyone's parents or is it just me?"

There's no right answer to that question and he'll likely say something stupid or stutter like a fool.

Maybe instead of focusing on how to handle his poor behaviour focus on your DD instead in a way to build her self confidence.

I use a number of these phrases when spending time with my DGD. They work really well with her. [Apologies for the long list length!]

You are important to me I love spending time with you
You make me smile The world is better with you in it
I feel so lucky to be your nana
I love you from your toes to your nose to where your hair grows
You are beautiful to me inside & out I thought of you today when…
I like you
Sometimes if I’m feeling sad just thinking of you makes me feel better
You can always talk to me - even if it’s about something that makes you feel nervous, scared, angry or sad
I love to watch you…. You make my heart feel full
I appreciate when you…. You’re one of a kind
I care about you more than you can imagine
I’m grateful that you’re in my life I love your insides & your outsides
I’m here for you - no matter what happens
I’d love to hear what you think about…
I noticed you working hard on….. I believe in you
I saw you when you… I love you no matter what
I love hearing your ideas You make a difference in my life
I love seeing the world through your eyes
Seeing you happy makes me happy
You matter to me Any time you need help I’m here for you
I love you just the way you are You are a precious treasure to me
I respect you & your opinions We’re a team - you & me
I love being your nana
Sometimes I look at you & think back to when you were younger…..
There’s only one you in the world I love your laugh/smile
Nothing would ever stop me loving you It’s you I like - every part of you
You are an important part of our family It’s exciting watching you grow up
I’m so grateful you’re my grand daughter
You can always come to me no matter what
I love you more than cupcakes love sprinkles/than all the fish in the sea/all the leaves on the trees….
I will always be here for you
Being your nana is my favourite part of life You are special to me
Thank you so much for…. You make life fun
I love being around you no matter what we’re doing
You are my favourite 10 yr old I love you to the moon & back
I’m a fan of you I love when we learn something new together
I’m never too busy for you You light up my day
That was a kind decision when you…. I have fun when I’m with you
I love you more than celery Seeing you makes me smile
You’ll never get into trouble for talking to me about something that’s bothering you I feel blessed to have you in my life
Even if I’m feeling frustrated about something I still love you
I love the way your mind works You make me happy just by being you
You can always tell me the truth even when you are scared to and I will still love you
I wish I didn’t have to go to work so we could stay home together and play all day I will love you always & forever

Sounds like an Andrew Tate wannabe little scrote. I would let him come around, provoke him into mouthing off and call the police and have him ejected from your home. He sounds dangerous.