Tell me what to say: DD and arrogant BF

[ODFOx]

Please bear with me (it's long)
She's the youngest and last one to go to Uni (this year). Her Dad died when she was 11, her self worth is poor and her self belief is less that zero (in spite of all our efforts).
She's beautiful, clever, funny, artistically talented and terribly troubled.
Current BF (although apparently they aren't dating although they spend every evening together and are intimate (this is linking not dating?) ), seems to be horrid to her: tells her she needs to be prettier and calmer and not swear and change her clothes etc etc before he can introduce her to his parents, that she shouldn't talk about losing her father, that being accepted to a fine art degree isn't a proper degree, that she needs to dress better, speak better, behave better.
At this stage I know neither this young man (not saying boy or lad) or his parents and he seems a bit of an idiot to me, but it's important to her that we make a good impression.
Anyhoo, he's coming for Sunday dinner, one of a group of 12 (16 total) and she has told us that his Mother is a trained chef and he 'despises parents who can't cook well', as well as a string of opinions on a range of topics that make me want to poke him in the eye and DH was to punch him on the nose.
I won't be cowed on dinner and will churn out the usual 'pick what you want and we won't mind either way and if there's really nothing you fancy I'm happy to make egg or beans on toast' but...
He's going to make judgements and comments about us, our home, the food we serve and the life we
lead; and while I already don't rate his opinion I know that DD cares very much. I honestly have nothing in my practical or emotional battery to help her right now, without actually being rude to him.

Please can anyone help me with stock phrases and tips to keep calm? DD likes him even though she can see that he isn't kind to her.
He treats her disrespectfully and it makes me furious given that he's also telling her how to behave to be acceptable to meet his family.
I struggle with small talk. Can anyone help me with innocuous phrases to help an introvert aspi (DS) and me (NT but knackered), navigate the way though without causing to much anguish between DD and him, or her and me. Thanks

This can literally kill someone and get the person who did it sent to prison. I hate the sound of this guy as much as most PPs, but wouldn’t threaten his life like that.

Teach her about narcissist abuse -'now that you're linking and all that'- it's vital knowledge.

I love some of the suggestions of different ways to call him out. I don't think I could say nothing. "Please don't be rude..." Or a question is effective "why are you being rude to me?" I won't tolerate my husband or children being rude to me so no-one else stand a chance!

This sounds like a good idea. Although I would find it impossible not to tell him to get the fuck out.

I'm sure he'll be nice to your face though. Isn't that how these people operate?

It begs the question if he's such an arsehole, and the only person who's saying he's an arsehole is the person going out with him, the OPs DD, why does she even need to say as much.

Id be more inclined to find out directly from the DD why she is describing him so badly. What is she trying to achieve? Is she trying to wind her mother up? Is she trying to goad her or get a reaction from her?

sounds like a very elaborate game to me, and yes I would be doubting her version of events. You'd expect her to be say the exact opposite, how wonderful he is, how much they like each other etc, and doing a cover up not saying he's an abusive arsehole.

it doesn't make sense. Where's the OP anyway?

Your response has no bearing on my comment whatsoever.

Wonder how it went

Has your daughter an aunt or godmother who is straight talking? Can you invite them and make sure she's next to DD?

He makes a comment..say nothing..none of you..tumbleweed. Both he and your daughter will get the message he’s a knob.

He's clearly a narcissistic gaslighter, you need to everything you possibly can to get rid of him. Trust me, I was with my ex husband from 18yrs to 37yrs old. He completely destroyed my self confidence and I am still suffering from the affects. I have not been in a single relationship since 2007, when I finally had enough of him (when he was screaming at me for no reason, and our 1 year old daughter was in floods of tears, crying hysterically).

No advice for this weekend - although he may well not criticise to your faces, only afterwards to dd in private. He sounds awful but agree anything you say about him will likely make her jump to his defence. If it comes up or she asks for you input best to ask questions back - is she happy? Does she feel loved and respected? Well treated? Etc Honestly a total nightmare for you, I’m so sorry.

But I do really recommend you buy the Lundy Bancroft book for your daughter (eBay or Apple Books/kindle app) - it might now help her right now, but it’s useful information to have. You could frame it just that you see all her wonderful qualities, but you recognize she struggles with self esteem and there are relationship patterns/people who can hone in on that and cause a lot of destruction to anyone’s emotional well being, so you’d like her to read it so she can see red flags, if she comes across them, ahead of going to uni. It’s called Why Does He Do That?

(Am assuming she lives at home and not with the bf. It would also be a good read for your info and has some useful further reading tips on supporting people exposed to abusive relationships)

I’m pretty sure she was just joking 🙃

OP how did it go? You have been on my mind.

It takes one to know one. The only reason this boy is spending so much time with your daughter is because he is insecure and anxious and has found someone he "can feel superior to" by bullying - and gets sex. Otherwise he'd be flaunting his gifted home and hoping she'd be envious.

He's a fake.

Any normal mother would be appalled by his behaviour.

So his mother may be a trained chef. That probably means she's working long hours on low pay in a pub, restaurant or care home.

Be pleasant, be polite and ask lots of questions.

1. Where does his mother work? If she's not working, sympathise with her being unemployed. Ask what her favourite dish to cook is?
2. What does his father do?
3. Does he have any siblings? What do they do?
4. Ask if he has any pets? And whether he takes any responsibility for looking after them?
5. Ask what his plans for the future are?
6. Does he drive? Is he considering taking driving lessons? What does he think his first car will be? Will he have to earn the money or will his parents gift one to him?
7. Ask what he's studying at university? Why he chose that course and what grades he got at GCSE and A Level?

The only way to deal with an idiot a-hole is be polite and keep asking questions, until he ties himself in knots trying to present a fake persona. Be very polite, reassuring and kind at all times.

So be your normal welcoming self, value your own family values, and keep questioning.

Because your daughter might pick up on the fact that what he says to you is different to what he says to her.

You're parents. He's a fake. He's being dishonest about something - or he wouldn't be saying these things to your daughter.

1. Question him to expose him.
2. If you stay polite and he gets rude - you can call him out on it and ask him politely to leave.
3. If you think you or your husband can handle it - always have in your back pocket the question "Why do you feel a need to be disrespectful and spiteful to our daughter?"

I believe thallium is colourless, odourless and tasteless…. 👀

So how did Sunday dinner go @ODFOx?

Hope it went ok @ODFOx

Is it worth it? The catch, I mean? Is it on par with the Middletons' enterprise? I mean being laughed at, judged, sneered at? Is it worth it for your daughter? It looks like your daughter is in love with this chap, and all this 'friends' is just nonsense, nobody would give two hoots for a friend like that. If it is on the same level of importance it was for the Middletons, then go for it and entertain him in your home - otherwise tell him to get lost! Literally get lost!

So awful to have to pussyfoot around his type, therefore continuing to feed into his ego. Got to love those clips when scary Dad gives them a bit of truth about how precious daughter is and won't accept this abuse. My Dad was like that, he would call out this behaviour and beware any young man who would dare to defy his expectations of decent behaviour. Spoilt boys think they're tough demeaning someone they see as weaker but soon change when stood up to by someone much stronger and ready to protect! X

How did it go? Hope the arrogance little shit showed himself up

Wondering how the dinner went?

He could well be two faced and be the nicest person ever which will confuse your daughter. He sounds abusive AF!!

Just follow every criticism with a sardonic ‘thank you very much’ and then ignore. It’s pretty foolproof.

How dare he criticise your talented sounding daughter and her fine art degree?
I wonder where the little prick thinks his over priced trainers came from? Is he aware someone with a fine art degree or design background created them?

Is the boyfriend a bit ND? Is it possible he doesn’t realise he’s being rude/unpleasant? Just wondering.