Tell me what to say: DD and arrogant BF

[ODFOx]

Please bear with me (it's long)
She's the youngest and last one to go to Uni (this year). Her Dad died when she was 11, her self worth is poor and her self belief is less that zero (in spite of all our efforts).
She's beautiful, clever, funny, artistically talented and terribly troubled.
Current BF (although apparently they aren't dating although they spend every evening together and are intimate (this is linking not dating?) ), seems to be horrid to her: tells her she needs to be prettier and calmer and not swear and change her clothes etc etc before he can introduce her to his parents, that she shouldn't talk about losing her father, that being accepted to a fine art degree isn't a proper degree, that she needs to dress better, speak better, behave better.
At this stage I know neither this young man (not saying boy or lad) or his parents and he seems a bit of an idiot to me, but it's important to her that we make a good impression.
Anyhoo, he's coming for Sunday dinner, one of a group of 12 (16 total) and she has told us that his Mother is a trained chef and he 'despises parents who can't cook well', as well as a string of opinions on a range of topics that make me want to poke him in the eye and DH was to punch him on the nose.
I won't be cowed on dinner and will churn out the usual 'pick what you want and we won't mind either way and if there's really nothing you fancy I'm happy to make egg or beans on toast' but...
He's going to make judgements and comments about us, our home, the food we serve and the life we
lead; and while I already don't rate his opinion I know that DD cares very much. I honestly have nothing in my practical or emotional battery to help her right now, without actually being rude to him.

Please can anyone help me with stock phrases and tips to keep calm? DD likes him even though she can see that he isn't kind to her.
He treats her disrespectfully and it makes me furious given that he's also telling her how to behave to be acceptable to meet his family.
I struggle with small talk. Can anyone help me with innocuous phrases to help an introvert aspi (DS) and me (NT but knackered), navigate the way though without causing to much anguish between DD and him, or her and me. Thanks

As daughter of a Mother who did not speak up in a similar situation many years ago, I'd be telling her out straight "I love you and respect your choices, but I believe you're in an abusive relationship which could have very serious implications for your health and happiness now and in the future. The most important thing right now is that you know you can speak with us about your feelings and that you do not let this person isolate you emotionally." I am really not sure of the message it sends her to welcome this person to your table, but if he is a dick when he visits, I'd be assigning the task of letting her know that to as many of those 16 guests as possible. I do understand the reasons for a hands-off approach, but I also think young people sometimes need the guidance. I know I did.

There’s a book I read called ‘The Verbally Abusive Relationship.’ It pretty much provides a blueprint for this type of relationship dynamic. Order it for your daughter and get her to read it, it broke the spell completely for me.

Preferably boiling hot gravy straight on his dick so he can't father objectionable duplicates like himself. His parents have done a shit job bringing up a dickhead like him.

I agree, make him repeat every rude comment.

My experience of people who talk up their life/family is that it is all fantasy. Mother probably can't boil an egg, family are most likely perfectly ordinary people that consider him a twat.

I've had the 'cordon blue cook' (bully), 'the heiress' (gold digger) the important job (grade B state employee) all trying to intimidate family and friends.

Be yourself and if you have someone who can make light of things it unnerves twats.

He sounds like an entitled dickhead.

Be your loveliest self , Be very interested about him , ask him questions where he can boast about himself and his family then look disappointed when he answers and sigh a disappointed “oh” or “oh really ? “ to his answer

Praise your daughter, her talent, and that to be chosen for a fine art degree 📜 - is based on talent.
If he mouths off about it not being. a degree,
then tell him, I don't think chrissties or Sotheby's will agree with that. A degree in fine art opens the doors for her to work in top galleries, auction houses. She will have expertise that few people have. Art makes the world go round, paintings sell for hundreds of millions of dollars. Van Gogh, Rembrandt, Picasso, Monet. Do you have a Monet ?

Ask him " Do you have anything positive to say about my daughter ?"

I know this isn’t the point at all, but cheese with apple pie and custard 🤔

He sounds bloody terrible, but is he currently doing this stuff in front of you? I'm not surprised at all that someone's boyfriend can be grinding them down/abusive in private, but is he doing it with you there?

I'm just wondering if there will even be a problem at the meal - just as usually abusive people do it all behind closed doors so would do anything.

If he is/does treat her like this within earshot I think PP responses along the lines of "you're so lucky your mums a good cook", "wouldn't it be boring if we all did the same degree" etc are fine.

I like what tsmainsqueeze said 🤣

Please do that to the idiot

I agree with this. I know usually the advice is basically "say nothing, she needs to see it for herself", but I think witnessing the behaviour and saying nothing sends her the message that his behaviour is okay, otherwise you'd be saying something.

Of course don't say to her "he's an abusive prick and you need to dump his arse". There are ways of raising concerns without telling her what to do, and without even criticizing him directly.

When I was a kid, if I didn’t like an adult I’d discretely spit in their drink. No matter how awful they were, I sat there feeling smiling feeling very smug that I’d doled out my own personal justice.
I’d be lying if I said I’d never done it occasionally as an adult.

I actually think you have to be prepared for the fact that he in all likeliness will be very polite and charming to your face. He probably doesn't know that DD has told you how he behaves.

Poison is really the only answer.

Is he saying all these things to her - I've told a bf to cover his tatoos and not swear in front of my parents.

Your daughter sounds insecure - is she just anxious you're cooking will be crap in comparison to his parents to is using his words (if he even said them..) to prompt you to cook better so she doesn't feel embarrassed.

Also - regarding the fine arts degree... I can see why he'd want to encourage her to do something else!

Are you his mum?

Arrogant comments get met with a bland “how nice for you”

Rude comments get met with a bland smile and an “I’m sorry, I didn’t quite catch what you said. Could you repeat it more slowly?”

The little prick is getting his rocks off on making others feel small so the best thing you can do is take the wind out of his sails.

He's not going to be rude in front of you. He'll be nice as pie. Abusive men generally know when to act like normal people, and when to be a piece of shit to get the control they want.

I would look up some resources about helping a loved one in an abusive relationship, and follow that guidance. Good luck.

I wonder how many people with fine arts degrees know the difference between your and you’re?

Your poor DD. She has fallen in with a wrong 'un, hasn't she? Personally I'm not sure it's a good idea to be facilitating and giving tacit consent to his treatment of her by being polite in the face of it. Its a difficult one as if your DD sided with him you could push her further into his clutches, but even with that risk, I'm not sure I'd want to be reinforcing that his behaviour was OK by letting it pass with a polite smile and in the process role modeling a out up and shut up approach to his abuse.
I think I'd be saying to DD that I wouldn't be able to tolerate rudeness or belittling of her, so if she thought that would happen it may be best to withdraw his invitation. If he did attend I would expect courtesy at all times and if I didn't get it would be calling it out. Also that I would be challenging any demeaning remarks about her made in my presence.

Sorry but I would not be entertaining this. Stop indulging your dd in this. She knows he is unkind so why are you not confronting her about her choices. Ask her if this is a man that she wants in her life - calling her not pretty enough, tell her all these awful things. Give your dd some cold hard truths??
Why on earth have you not asked her if it's ok with her if he treats the family awfully too??
Tell her you are not entertaining this and she needs a good long think about what she is doing with her life.

If he’s an arsehole to you and her in front of everyone else then this could be the wake up call she needs. Totally agree if he’s outright rude to you “sorry I didn’t catch that can you repeat it” like another PP said.

If he’s rude to her you could say something like “we don’t speak badly of each other in this house” or some other made up house rule that calls out his behaviour but makes it about you and your rules generally.

He’ll probably be as nice as pie to you at the lunch and then insult and mock you when he’s back on his own with your DD. This could be the lightbulb moment your DD needs in order to respond: “You know what, why don’t you just fuck off you little twat.”

The softly softly approach won't work with people like him
Someone needs to take him down a back alley and knock his teeth down his throat