Tell me what to say: DD and arrogant BF

[ODFOx]

Please bear with me (it's long)
She's the youngest and last one to go to Uni (this year). Her Dad died when she was 11, her self worth is poor and her self belief is less that zero (in spite of all our efforts).
She's beautiful, clever, funny, artistically talented and terribly troubled.
Current BF (although apparently they aren't dating although they spend every evening together and are intimate (this is linking not dating?) ), seems to be horrid to her: tells her she needs to be prettier and calmer and not swear and change her clothes etc etc before he can introduce her to his parents, that she shouldn't talk about losing her father, that being accepted to a fine art degree isn't a proper degree, that she needs to dress better, speak better, behave better.
At this stage I know neither this young man (not saying boy or lad) or his parents and he seems a bit of an idiot to me, but it's important to her that we make a good impression.
Anyhoo, he's coming for Sunday dinner, one of a group of 12 (16 total) and she has told us that his Mother is a trained chef and he 'despises parents who can't cook well', as well as a string of opinions on a range of topics that make me want to poke him in the eye and DH was to punch him on the nose.
I won't be cowed on dinner and will churn out the usual 'pick what you want and we won't mind either way and if there's really nothing you fancy I'm happy to make egg or beans on toast' but...
He's going to make judgements and comments about us, our home, the food we serve and the life we
lead; and while I already don't rate his opinion I know that DD cares very much. I honestly have nothing in my practical or emotional battery to help her right now, without actually being rude to him.

Please can anyone help me with stock phrases and tips to keep calm? DD likes him even though she can see that he isn't kind to her.
He treats her disrespectfully and it makes me furious given that he's also telling her how to behave to be acceptable to meet his family.
I struggle with small talk. Can anyone help me with innocuous phrases to help an introvert aspi (DS) and me (NT but knackered), navigate the way though without causing to much anguish between DD and him, or her and me. Thanks

I think he's most likely to be all polite and charm personified in front of you. (He sounds ghastly)
If he is the cocky unpleasant arsehole your daughter has described to your face, I'd not let it pass but deal with it in a rather serene Queen-like way, she had some absolutely awesome one line replies. Keep your face/voice calm but let your (brief) replies put him in his place/grey rock - whatever is needed.

Excellent advice.

Actually I think you should handle him the way Jason Beer is cross examining Paula Vennells in the Post office enquiry! He is very calm but oH my goodness he is sharper than the sharpest knife in your drawer!

Hi OP, can I say how impressed I am that your DD is doing Fine Art at University. I went to UCL a long time ago which today is seen as a very academic Russell Group serious place, but was much more quirky then. The Slade Art school is part of UCL and art was considered to be the most prestigious subject by many.
I work in a school now with an excellent fine art department and see everyday how hard it is to do well and how much work the kids and staff put into it.
And clearly there is a great deal of employment in fine art as a career. Film and TV and theatre and so on generate huge opportunities and revenue in the UK.
So that's a vote in your DDs favour from a random stranger on mumsnet.

I would not be having him round knowing how he treats my daughter! He is abusing her. I know it is hard because you don't want to push her away. Can't you have a chat with her about it all?

Everytime he says sonething rude to you .... make a joke out of it and make him look silly or twist it so he seems cruel
My mum despises parents who cant cook
"Im sure she doesn't and Shes a lovely lady why would you say such a thing about your pwn mother? '

You need to be prettier .." omg have you listened to Mr perfect 2/10"

Dont talk about her father " do you close down every female or just her"

Genuis

I thought it meant cheese and biscuits as another dessert course alongside the crumble but actually in the same bowl? Not come across that!

re the boyfriend, I’d ask in an interested way what she likes about him and how he makes her feel about herself.

I wouldn't be focusing so much on this bozo at the meal but channel all your energies into helping your daughter stand up for herself and not allow anyone to treat her badly.

I would do my own version of grey rock which I developed with a child who was bullying my DD1. It basically a cold, unflinching stare. It is very very disconcerting.

We had this with DD at a similar age. I wanted to yell at her 'leave this abusive prick' but realised it would be counter productive.

TBF to the ex-bf he was so very young and was mirroring the way his dad treated his mum. He probably didn't know any better.

DD could see very clearly that the way the dad treated the mum was wrong and would sometimes tell me stories of how horrible he was. That paved the way for me to occasionally comment 'OH Ex said that did he? That wasn't very nice, it's sounds like the sort of thing his dad might say' and leave it there.

it took a few months but gradually the penny dropped with DD. She compared the way he treated her with other friends relationships and realised he was not the great guy he told her he was. I can remember her telling me about a scene he'd created in front of a crowd of new friends and saying "That's not right is it Mum?'

I wanted to cheer and clap when she came to this realisation but I still played it cool. It had to be her own decision. If we'd exerted any pressure on her to dump his sorry arse she would have felt manipulated and pushed back against us. As it was she ended the relationship. They still saw each other occasionally as they played in a couple of music groups together and he tried to reunite a few times but she had seen him for what he was and didn't seem to be tempted.

@MissingMoominMamma gives excellent advice.

Be as nice as nice can be to him. Ask him lots of questions and let him dig his own grave. She might end up cringing inside at some of what he says.

Agree. Cheese and apple pie yes. But don't add custard ...

Stock phrases to practice:

You absolute cunt
What a massive twat
Fuck off you arsehole

HTH

Do what I did. Take him quietly to one side and threaten to have him knee capped.
This was after he'd smashed my daughter's living room up when she was 3 weeks post partum because she'd dared to voice her opinion.
Luckily she saw the light and he was gone within a month.
He's had a couple of reminders over the last 10 years when he's been an arse when he's come to pick his son up for contact. But he knows that I know people who would actually do this for a small price.

One that I heard that works well (even my MP uses it with constituents) is when they say something harsh, just say "Ouch" in response.

It either silences them or they feel like they have to explain or backtrack.

But I agree with the others, it sounds like a very abusive relationship and something I'd be sitting down talking to my daughter about and explaining what red flags are. From the sounds of it she's already vulnerable personality-wise to becoming a victim to these types of men, definitely don't want to think it's normal or acceptable or in future relationships thinking, "well at least this guy isn't as bad as x was" because the standard is even lower then.

i agree with the first part of this quote (being yourself) but not the second part as it could embarrass the DD and become uncomfortable in the room.

@ODFOx He's behaving badly, and so far has been getting away with it but you behaving your way to your high standards, on your patch, being polite and friendly, will call him out on his bad behaviour (subliminally) , by being the bigger person. You will do yourself no favours by lowering yourself.

He will feel out of his comfort zone just by being at your house, and will have to 'up the ante' and be better behaved because by implication "that's not how we behave round here".

I see no point at all trying to beat him at his game, locking horns or letting him get a reaction from you, that's what he wants, he sounds like an arrogant twat who you actually don't need to put up with. He's your DDs bf, and she's an adult who's chosen him, her situation to live with.

And yes, Lobster Boy springs to mind and we know how that one ended, no matter what the mother did or said, hasn't changed the course of history there.

So you've never met or spoke with him? This has all come from what your daughter has told you?

16 for Sunday lunch? You sound like Superwoman, OP, He’s hardly likely to be the centre of attention with that many guests. While he behaves in this critical fashion to your DD, he’s unlikely to say anything rude to you as a grown woman!

Unfortunately, it’s your DD who will hear the criticism later regardless of how brilliantly or otherwise the lunch goes. Hopefully she’ll see the light and find this constant criticism pretty tedious before too long. You can counter many of his remarks, by being positive about your DD. The one that got me was, “his Mother is a trained chef and he 'despises parents who can't cook well'”, the counter to which is if we could all cook as well as trained chefs, they’d all be out of a job. You can apply it to anything; when she gets her degree, will she despise anyone who can’t paint?

YES.

Is this a Yorkshire thing? I was kindly given a Christmas cake by a customer that came with a chunk of Wensleydale! Maybe that was to eat with the cake!

Sorry to derail.

Op... practise your raising eyebrows with wide eye and a deep stare. Make him feel unnerved by you.

Then have a chat with your dd. Don't tell her what to do, tell her what you've noticed. Keep her on side. She'll get there.

Oh Darling, we find it those sort of comments to be terribly déclassé…

I would make a massive effort for him - spend a long time cleaning and cooking and make sure you ask DD for her opinion on what you should serve snd wear etc.

You are not doing it for him, you are doing it for DD.

Not only will you be showing her how much effort you’re making for her/him but if he judges you on anything, then that’s going to upset her because she’ll know how much effort you put in.

Sometimes we don’t value our own worth and if we have low self esteem we let people treat us poorly.
But when someone treats someone we love poorly, then we see that it’s wrong and see the person for who they truly are.

She might be ok with him talking to her like shit but if he starts slagging you off, then perhaps that might show her what a dick he is.

Depending on what he’s saying then I would try and bite your tongue as much as possible.

If you are rude to him or tell DD that she can do better, then it’s likely it will push her towards him more.

My worst fear is that my DD chooses a partner who doesn’t respect her and I feel for you.

No man like that would be sitting at my table. Please don't ignore any rude comments. Call him out. Every single time.

This ^