To think that if you have a destination wedding, you should pay for your guests?

[rhubarbcrumblez]

Been invited to a destination wedding that is looking to cost around 2k for flights and accommodation. Most guests I have spoken to have pulled out due to the cost and I am going to have to do the same. Bride is really upset.

AIBU to think that if you choose a destination wedding and expect a large group to come, you should pay for their travel and accommodation too?

While I don't think B&G should pay, I do think they should choose the destination well, as some people will feel obligated to attend.

We had a funny one last year - the price point was too low to realistically say "sorry, we can't afford it" but high enough that it meant we couldn't go on a holiday we actually wanted to. Usually we'd be more than happy to turn the wedding into our holiday and kill two birds with one stone, but it wasn't in a particularly nice destination or within easy reach of any.

If it had been a special place for the B&G it would've been a completely different story, but they chose solely on the basis of inaccessibility as it meant most of their family wouldn't come. I get it, but this also made it extra tricky for the guests who did attend.

We ended up going because the relationship is important to DP, but I did feel a bit resentful about the whole thing.

No, who could possibly afford that? They just have to accept that some people won't be able to go.

I've never heard of a B&G paying for significant numbers of guests travel costs. Occasionally the B&G pay for their parents if they are significantly wealthier than their parents. Otherwise not - but it's ridiculous for the bride to then be upset that not many people come. At a destination wedding you would generally only have a handful of guests - immediate family and a small number of friends who happen to want and be able to afford a holiday in that destination and don't mind losing a couple of their holiday days for your event.

One of my cousins had a destination wedding. The cost for just me to attend solo would have been double our entire family holiday budget for the year. There was no way I would do that, so I didn't.

Definitely not! however you can’t be upset that people can’t afford to go!

I dont think it is reasonable to expect the couple to pay for everyone to come. But neither is it reasonable to expect people to attend.

I don't think the B & G should pay for their guests hence me voting YABU but I do think they don't get to be anything other than privately upset when they get a lot of people not able to attend due to costs

No, you shouldn't pay. But you should expect that lots of people wont be able to come and it won't be a big wedding. In fact isn't that the point of weddings abroad??

YABU - I have been to few destination weddings and loved them. It’s so nice to be in the same place as people you know for a few days in a lovely relaxed environment.
I think it’s important to remember it’s an invitation and not a summons . . . You can say no
Saying that, I do think the bride is being unreasonable to be upset that that some people are saying they can’t come she must have had an idea that may happen.

No, definitely not. I think the couple are unreasonable to be pissed that people aren’t going but expecting the couple to fund every guest is not on either.

I don't think it's reasonable to expect the B & G to pay for people to go to their wedding.
I often wonder if people organise these destination weddings in the expectation of a small guest list anyway.

To be honest if you want a big wedding with friends and family all in attendance it’s never going to work choosing to have s destination wedding. 2k is a lot of money and most people don’t have 2k just kicking around waiting to be spent. I personally think if you’re gonna go there and insist on a destination wedding then you should offer to pay to fly guests out there

I also think it’s a bit overindulgent tbh - nothing wrong with a UK wedding where all the people who love you can participate and be part of your big day. It places more value on the location that what it should be about

Just to add, my best friend chose to have her wedding in Mauritius. I couldn’t go, because of the ridiculous cost & neither could loads of others who were really close to her. So essentially, it ended up just her, the groom & the two sets of parents. No close friends were there and she was gutted, as were we. It wasn’t the best decision in the end because she regretted not having her close friends with her on one of the lost significant days of her life. And we felt the same.

So it really shouldn’t ever be about the destination. Weddings are never about location, they’re about people

We expected only our immediate family to come (because we asked before even making a decision about location, if they'd not been enthusiastic we wouldn't have) , and planned a big party for when we got back, but we ended up with a lot more friends coming than we imagined, we did it as a very casual this is what we're thinking of doing, would love you to be there but completely understand it's a huge ask and will not be say all offended if you can't/just don't want to (and meant it), lots of friends said they'd love to go there anyway, and would see it as a holiday with a bonus wedding, we gave more than 18 months notice so people were able to plan. We still did the party when we got back for people who didn't come (and those who did).
It was great.
For me it's the expectation that's the problem and being sour if people don't go, and that applies to all weddings!

I married abroad, as our families and friends are all over the world anyway. 140 came on less than 2 months notice.

I love going to overseas weddings. I usually add on some time in wherever the most interesting nearby location is. I would never expect the bride and groom to cover my costs, but this would impact on the amount of money given as a gift if it was really pricey.

If people want to get married abroad it is their choice. The people I know who have done this have made it clear they do not expect people to attend due to costs and have not sent individual invitations. It has always been more of a group invite.
They have simply told potential guests the date, destination and hotel name/nearby hotels.
If people want to book then it's up to them. There is no pressure to attend.
I don't understand the constant bashing of people who get married abroad.
I have attended a wedding abroad when I have been able to afford it and actually wanted to attend. It was the most beautiful, relaxed wedding.
Others I haven't because I couldn't afford it at the time or aren't that close to the couple to warrant me spending the money when I could choose my own holiday for the price.
I have never fallen out with a couple or thought they were being cheeky having a destination wedding. We're all adults and can decide whether or not we want to attend 🙄

Bride and groom should pay for immediate family and then not expect anyone else to pay to go.

We had an invite to a family (niece) wedding on a Spanish island. Felt obliged to go so my DH's mum had someone to look after her as the rest of the family booked two weeks in a villa.

Meant we had to stay in an expensive hotel in order to get her a disabled room plus had to hire a car to ferry her around and it cost as much for us to go for four days as it did everyone else for two weeks.

I was fuming as it used up our holiday budget for the year. Wish we had just said no from the outset. Still pisses me off.

We got married with just a few guests in a high end hotel and paid for it all.

I thought it was pretty shit when a friend was the only person of their small family priced out of their sibling's long-haul destination wedding. It's a lousy way to bring down the guest list.

If you're inviting a larger pool of people and accept that a limited number will find it viable to attend, that's one thing, but leaving out a close relative because they're the only one without spare ££££ to come is rather crap.

We paid for all meals for a 3 day weekend, transport and covered one night’s accommodation for 50 guests.

DH and his family aren’t English, it seemed hugely unfair to only expect one side to travel, so we had it in a meaningful location & it meant that only people we really wanted there actually came. No fillers, no because we had to’s, no B list evening only guests.

Absolutely not but the B&G should not be surprised or upset if a proportion of guests decline for financial/practical reasons. If it were a sibling and we were struggling, I would hope they would either hold the wedding back home or offer to contribute to some of the costs but fortunately both mine and DH siblings got married close to home

When we have attended a destination wedding for other close family, they kindly covered accommodation for us but this was never an expectation and we would have attended regardless

If you organise an event that prices most people out of being able to attend so you get mostly 'declines' and you find that difficult to understand or accept, then you're not mature enough to be entering into a marriage contract.

Don't be guilted into buying into their selfish nonsense fantasies.

Who could afford to pay for all their guests? Plus travel! I was invited to one once and had to decline. I felt awful. But I was quite young and now I’d just say “I can’t afford it”. (Or even better, go without my DH or kids).

because we asked before even making a decision about location, if they'd not been enthusiastic we wouldn't have

I think that's the key - if you don't want to have a "traditional" wedding where most of your invitees could be reasonably expected to travel easily, then you're going to have to work harder to find some kind of "compromise" between where you want to go and who you really want to be there. Find the place that ticks the most boxes for both - and this could involve a bit of back and forth between you and your guests to find the best solution!

Alternatively if you really don't care who comes then you'll be more on the "location" side.

That’s the thing, it’s basically the holiday budget for most people. I found even a wedding an hour away in the UK unaffordable and stayed only one of the nights (and again, felt guilty).

Weddings are usually planned quite far ahead. I always just make that out family holiday. Go a few days before or stay longer and make it a proper family holiday.
And no, of course they shouldnt pay for it. But its also understandable if people cancel.