To think that if you have a destination wedding, you should pay for your guests?

[rhubarbcrumblez]

Been invited to a destination wedding that is looking to cost around 2k for flights and accommodation. Most guests I have spoken to have pulled out due to the cost and I am going to have to do the same. Bride is really upset.

AIBU to think that if you choose a destination wedding and expect a large group to come, you should pay for their travel and accommodation too?

I've only been invited to one - last year, in Italy. Very close friend's daughter.

All we had to pay for was our flights. Everything else - for the whole week we were there (and the accommodation was in a medieval borgo) - was covered by the family. Their view was that they wanted family and their closest friends (I've known the bride since she was a baby and she was born in 1980!) to be there.

No I wouldn't expect them to pay. I'd just expect that they realised a lot of people wouldn't be able to go and that they would have a party when they returned.

Hmm I see what you mean but I don’t think they do. I think the brides been very silly if she really thought everyone would pay that much to go to a wedding…

I had a destination wedding for 1st wedding

Antigua

But was close family so mum dad mil brother bil and a friend

Then had a huge party at home

My choice to go abroad so the fact lots couldn't Afford wasn't an issue as saw them few weeks later and showed wedding video and got to wear dress again so value for money 😂😂

If you can't afford don't go
That simple

Yeah this is a good way of doing it

I wouldn’t expect to be paid for but very likely wouldn’t go unless I could afford it and actually wanted to go to the place. Did a few in my 20s which were fun but only 1 post kids which was an arse and I secretly cursed the bride and groom for the whole time!!

No normal person could afford to finance travel costs for all their guests. The bride and groom shouldn't be upset or even surprised if people choose not to go though. DH and I were invited to a destination wedding for a close family member, we didn't mind paying for flights and accommodations as we figured we were going to go on holiday anyway that year, so we'd just tack our holiday onto the wedding trip. What we did mind was the fact that the "Destination" was terrible (similar to for eg, Benidorm or Ibiza, a party destination for 18 and 19 year olds to go get plastered every night and very little for families or older adults to enjoy) 🙄 at least pick somewhere nice. So many nice options if you absolutely must get married abroad!

We did go in the end because it was very close family

As most PP have said, I wouldn't expect them to pay for everyone but I would also expect lots of people to pull out.

I went to DH's close friend's destination wedding last autumn but a) it was Europe and term time so flights were cheap, b) they didn't stipulate staying in a specific hotel as I've heard some do, and c) it was somewhere we wanted to go anyway and was still warm, so we took the opportunity to stretch it into a two week holiday and travelled around a fair bit with the wedding only taking up one day (plus one day of hangover 😅). If any of those factors hadn't applied I don't think we'd have gone.

Most people I know who have a destination wedding keep it very small, maybe just immediate family (and in that situation might pay), and then often have a bigger party for all their mates and extended family (essentially the 'evening guests'!) when they get back.

I don't think you can expect anyone to attend if you have a destination wedding, although that can backfire.

My friend went to Greece for her wedding hoping that some friends would go but not many and no family. It ended up with loads of people going and so her honeymoon was an odd mix of their two awful families and a rugby club tour.

I didn't go, Greece in August would have been intolerable for me because of the heat and I had a 3 month old baby.

Plus the cost to spend a week in a place I didn't want to go to, at the most expensive time of the year with people I didn't like apart from my friend. I love her but no way was I going!

I don't think you should pay for guests, but also don't think you should have a destination wedding unless you're sure everyone you'd like to come can get the leave and can afford it. Maybe one might pay for a close family member if they couldn't afford it, but not everyone unless you've just won the lottery or are the only person in the family to be mega-wealthy.

My husbands best friend had a destination wedding. It cost £500 each to go (2015) for three nights (all inclusive)

About 30 of us went, their immediate families and about 10 friends.

One of my favourite weddings

Dd wants a abroad wedding she fully understands not all can go

Now I really fancy some rhubarb crumble. But no, you can't expect people to pay that to come to a wedding.

You shouldn't pay but you shouldn't be upset if people can't come

It's a bit of a weird strategy though, because it doesn't weed out those who are less close to the couple, it weeds out those with less disposable income. Yes, it makes for a smaller wedding, but with the risk that some of your closest friends and family won't be able to come, while, conversely, some of the richer family and friends that you're less close to will be there.

The last destination wedding I went to was for someone whose parents are friends with my parents; I hadn't seen in her several years and had never met her fiancé. It happened to be in a location near where I needed to go for work anyway so I was able to combine the two. Some of the groom's siblings were unable to afford to go. A family member I'm very close to is deciding whether to marry in Australia or UK (fiancée's family are in Australia); it doesn't matter how much I love this person and value our relationship, I don't have the money for a ticket to Australia, so if it's there I won't be attending. I don't agree with the OP - I don't think the B & G should pay for others to attend. But I do think that anyone choosing a destination wedding has to realise that some people will not be able to take part, and that might be people close to them.

Is the bride actually upset or just saying that it's a real shame someone can't come so she doesn't look like a heartless cow.

She's hardly going to say she's not that bothered about it when she's wanting a potential guest to feel wanted.

You shouldn't pay, but equally you shouldn't get the hump when people can't come.

I'm thinking of having an abroad wedding where it'll cost around £400 per person. Not 2k! I thought £400 was too much...

You don't need to pay for guests but you also can't expect guests to come, even really close family and friends.

I had my wedding abroad some 20 years ago. It was just me and dh. We celebrated with a blessing and party when we came back. We had no expectation of any other guests coming. If anyone had wished to they'd have been made welcome, but we didn't specifically ask people to come.

My sister also got married abroad a few years later. We did go, along we my parents and a couple of sets of their friends. But that was entirely through choice. Friends came as they had already planned to go to the location that year anyway so just tied it in with the right weeks.

We also didn't expect people to spend a ton of money of hen/stag dos, specific outfits to match dress/colour codes, weekend hotel stays, expensive gift lists or money requests, etc.

DP's best friend had a destination wedding about 18 years ago. Cost us over £3.5k for 5 days but DP was best man so difficult to wiggle out of (although i guess we could have just said no) All inclusive, apart from the wedding breakfast which was extra, and the guests all had to pay for themselves ! I imagine a destination wedding is actually cheaper for the B&G than having a wedding at home (unless its a really small affair) so the CF's could have paid for the wedding breakfast. Thank goodness the bride got pregnant before the wedding so had to change plans to go to a very upmarket adult only Sandals resort.
They got divorced 2 years later.

You either pay or understand that a lot of people won't come.

Bride is being very silly if she is upset

This^

We were invited to one where DH was also asked to be best man. That made it harder to refuse and annual leave (and money) restrictions meant we cancelled where we’d actually wanted to go that year. We did consider just DH going but as he would only have known the couple and didn’t have the leave to also go away with me we bit the bullet and both went. I still bear a grudge and the happy couple didn’t understand why so many people didn’t attend, including close members of their own families. The groom had no one attend, which is why DH felt so compelled.

Ours was ‘destination’ by default as I live in a different country to where I was born. However, in lieu of presents we asked local guests to put up guests from abroad or help out in other practical ways. Some guests were happy to make a holiday out of it, with uni friends filling a local B&B. Others took us up on the various accommodation offers. I also made it clear that presence was enough of a present. Quite a few bought us stuff anyway but some were happy not to have to fork out even more.

Both local and abroad guests helped out, whether contributing musical performances, photos, cake or transport for guests put up further away. It just made it extra special seeing everyone working together and having fun.

@ALittleDropOfRain I think that's one of the things that annoyed me so much. We had to go on someone else's "holiday" and couldn't then afford our usual break.
Your wedding sounds like the perfect compromise !

So much money on this thread for going to other people's weddings

I would never go to one

But since I can't afford to go abroad it's not a surprise

What an insolent dick move. So basically instead of doing the sensible thing which is to simply invite those who you want to attend, these people punish the rest of guests by putting a financial burden on their shoulders essentially implying, "If you love me, you will come no matter how expensive it is".

Utterly deceptive.