To just feel so sad that I can’t give my child the same education as another

[hunnsh]

I will never have the money to send my dc to private school. For starters I’m a single parent but even when I was with her dad we would have massive struggled to pay fees.

Two of my ‘mum friends’ have chosen private school for their daughters, same age as my daughter and they are doing so much more than my child. They have weekly swimming and sports classes, the food is even miles better than at state, they have their own theatre, the classes are half the size of my daughter’s. I know you can still do well at a state school and my daughter does seem happy but I know already that her chances are lesser than these other two. They are both miles ahead in confidence and I can only put that down to how the classes are smaller and they are exposed to more activities etc. It makes me so sad for my daughter. I know there’s nothing that can be done but it seems so unfair? It’s like their futures are already marked out a little bit and all down to the fact they have been lucky to go somewhere everyday that is more focused on them. Just feel like it’s very unfair.

Comparison is the thief of joy.

@Bluevelvetsofa yep but I can’t help but compare!

Life is unfair in a myriad different ways.

Your daughter will have advantages and disadvantages, talents and difficulties.

It is your job as a parent to help her develop her talents and cope with her difficulties.

You are wasting time and energy with envy of others.

I just don’t think it’s fair one child gets a massive advantage in life over another, school is a huge thing.

So why dont you earn more and send your DD to Private school to make it fair?

YABU. That's life. Only a minority of children go to private school, your dd will be fine.

@BMW6 if I could I would. It’s not within my reach at all.

It's only luck in the sense that they were born to parents with high enough incomes to afford it who made different choices in life to you (and to me - I choose to work part time to avoid wraparound care, but it means no private school). I also chose to live in an area where housing costs generally make private prohibitive, in a way it's not where I grew up.

Why not?

There’s nothing to say they’ll use it. My best friend went to private and I went to state. She never really had a career and became a SAHM in her early 20’s. Nothing wrong with that but don’t assume that your dc’s friends will automatically be high flyers, plenty of privately educated people lead lives barely distinguishable from state educated.

But life isn’t unfair. Your daughter has a loving mum who is trying her best to provide. That’s already a lot more than what some kids get.

That is life - your child has a massive advantage over millions in this world - stop worrying and comparing let her enjoy and fulfill her potential.

If you're that desperate for her to do these things - either get a better job or you can do classes out of school.

Private school isn't the be-all and end-all and I say that as someone who went to Private school and felt no compulsion to send my kids there.

Maybe because private schooling is incredibly expensive and completely out of reach for the majority of the population. Except possibly on MN, where most women seem to be high-earners whose DH’s earn six-figure salaries……

I found that the thing which gave the girls I knew the most confidence was joining scouts or guides. Does your daughter belong to any clubs like this?

Something is always unfair. My dd did a lot of her school on strong medication or the hospital school got her bits of work from her teachers. In comparison, your dd is very lucky. Teach her to appreciate what she has and strive for what she wants.

Not speaking for the OP, but surely you can understand that people's earning power is often limited by
. living circumstances, childcare, transport
. skills
. basic cognitive ability
By the time someone is a single parent in a low paid job it may not be feasible for them to study to upskill, to then find a job that pays more they can actually get to that works with childcare etc.

Private school isn't the be-all and end-all and I say that as someone who went to Private school and felt no compulsion to send my kids there

Same here. I also have several friends in the same position. Not everyone who is privately educated has a great experience, and my DC (who both have additional needs) are thriving and happy in their state schools.

I'm sure your DD will be just fine like most DC who don't go to private school.

But have you looked at any other state schools? My DC did weekly swimming and sports classes at their school. No theatre but they still did a play every year.

Well fwiw I don’t agree at all.

I’ve known plenty private school children who have, comparatively speaking, ‘failed’. In some cases, they directly attribute this to their educational background - the feeling of being pressured, never good enough, expected to be and do ‘better’. The insidious culture of money = success.

I know a woman who attributes her anxiety and difficulties to horrific bullying at her private, well known, expensive school. Private school doesn’t protect you from that.

I would never want my kids to be shaped by private school. To be educated apart from most of the peers they will ever have in life. To be taught that money and opportunity are the norm and to lack personal connection and experience of the reality of normal life for most people in this country. Yes that IS exactly what it gives you, yes it DOES make a difference, even if your child becomes a well-rounded and empathetic individual as well as a privileged, legged-up one, there will always be that ultimate lack of understanding. It’s different. I wouldn’t want it.

Don’t feel bad about it OP!

Sorry, you'll just have to slum it with 95% of the population.

Life is unfair…get over it🙄

Mine have been in state school throughout, as was I. When I was 11 my teacher asked my mum if they could stretch to private school for me- he sent his daughter there.

A decade later- she had dropped out of uni and was struggling.

You can build your DC’s confidence in so many ways. I’ve always been a confident speaker and was never in a class of fewer than 30-32 kids. Some of this is personality; some of it is experience - but I can honestly say that I never felt inferior at univ to the private school kids - most were pretty unimpressive to be honest. Sports, music etc - all can be accessed outside school.

@BMW6 take home pay is 2,700 a month

There are pros and cons of private school, OP.

At state school, your child will get a more rounded and balanced experience of society. They will not be at risk of being trapped in a tiny and privileged social circle.

Private school kids are not always better off, particularly socially and emotionally, and there's a lot more to school years than having your own theatre.

You can teach your child a lot about life through your parenting and spending time with them.

Along with millions of other kids, you really need to to get over it.

If you continue to hang out with these mum friends you will forever compare yourself to them, I'd find people who are more similar to you.