To just feel so sad that I can’t give my child the same education as another

[hunnsh]

I will never have the money to send my dc to private school. For starters I’m a single parent but even when I was with her dad we would have massive struggled to pay fees.

Two of my ‘mum friends’ have chosen private school for their daughters, same age as my daughter and they are doing so much more than my child. They have weekly swimming and sports classes, the food is even miles better than at state, they have their own theatre, the classes are half the size of my daughter’s. I know you can still do well at a state school and my daughter does seem happy but I know already that her chances are lesser than these other two. They are both miles ahead in confidence and I can only put that down to how the classes are smaller and they are exposed to more activities etc. It makes me so sad for my daughter. I know there’s nothing that can be done but it seems so unfair? It’s like their futures are already marked out a little bit and all down to the fact they have been lucky to go somewhere everyday that is more focused on them. Just feel like it’s very unfair.

My children went to our local comprehensive school which is a good one. We have friends whose kids went to the local private school. I honestly don't think mine have been disadvantaged. We did pay for extra curricular activities. I'd really recommend a drama group for giving kids confidence. They also did scouts, climbing and learned musical instruments (one privately and one through school which we still had to pay for). There is really no point regretting it, just make the most of it especially as your daughter is happy.

Ah bless you ,it must be lovely ti live.in cloud cuckoo land were things are just that simple .

There will be some fantastic private schools and there will be some fantastic state schools too. And you will also find bad private schools and bad state schools as well. Private or state, it doesn't always guarantee a successful future. Truly engaged parents that help and support their kids will have kids that perform well. When kids are driven and motivated, they will do well in jobs of their choosing.

I think you are focusing more on what you don't have/can't provide versus what you can give. Can your DD go to any enrichment clubs in school or if that's not offered can you take her swimming or to a sports class outside of school?

Can you do low cost activities like museums and art galleries which are free or woodland walks and visit National Trust sites?

Also, are these mums still with their husbands or partners? If so, you can't compare apples with oranges because they will have the extra set of hands to help with finances and the kids.

OP, the most important factor determining how successful a child will be academically is a loving supportive home life where they are supported to learn. With this grounding a lot of whatever shortfalls there may be in their state education can be compensated for.

Private education isn't necessarily the best and DC who aren't high performers often don't get to use those flashy theatres and sports facilities as often as they should. There are a lot of good state schools where DC achieve highly. You are clearly a very committed parent so I think your DC will do just fine.

This thread is interesting. The majority of posts say that state schools have provided as good if not better education for posters’ dc.
Since private schools apparently have no advantage over state schools, then why the desire to abolish them?
If parents want to waste their money on schools which are no better - or indeed, worse - than state schools then that’s up to them, surely?

Do your DC have access to extra curricular activities? Does their school offer any clubs they can join?

You are right that self confidence is very important but you, as their parent, can do a lot about that. I was privately educated and did absolutely nothing with that education career wise although it instilled in me a lifelong love of literature and I am a self confessed grammar nerd.

Both my DC are state educated, went to top universities, and have fulfilling and enriching careers. However I enrolled them in a lot of extra curricular activities including Duke of Edinburgh (DS went onto do his Gold) and was very careful to get them into the best state school in the area - so it is possible to do extremely well on the back of state education, as millions of children do every year.

Thinking you are letting your DC down by not being able to afford private school is absolute rubbish.

mine are fine at state. i do think it’s unfair and I think mine would have excelled academically at private. But it is what it is

toomanytonotice why do you think it’s unfair when according to you thanks to going to private school, your sister-in-law’s children are arrogant, low achievers?

@hunnsh YABU.

Private school doesn't define a child. Quality time with a parent is what's important.

Save the money on fees and put that money towards experiences together - holidays, different cultures, the zoo, camping, an art class etc...

Life is unfair. It stings but you get on with it.

I went to a dreadful state school, hated it, was bullied, it has had lasting effects. That’s just how life is, some people go to state school and love it, some hate it. Some go to private school and love it, some hate it.

My kids go to private school. Should everyone have better schools, of course they should. I’m entirely aware that it’s unfair they have more opportunities than others did, than I did.

Some people are cleverer than me, more musical, live in nicer areas, have better parents, or better partners, don’t have horrible siblings, are treated equally, have no health concerns, made better choices, met better men.

When I learnt to accept that life isn’t fair, and focus on what I can control and stop worrying about what I can’t impact, I became a much happier person.

Look at it another way, your DC is no different to the other 90% (or whatever the figure is) of kids that don’t get the privilege of private education! She’s not the minority.

Also universities are realising that private education certainly doesn’t mean better calibre of student and that’s why some offer students from deprived backgrounds lower grade thresholds to make it a more even playing field.

A student from a deprived area who attends a state school and achieves A grades would be more remarkable than a privately educated student with the same grades.

If you switched their circumstances imagine what the state school student could achieve academically if they went to private school, it would be incredible. Highly unlikely the same could be said the other way around….

That is true about confidence although I think it is down to parents maybe socialising with their children in different environments (eg not just round doreens house or mcdonalds) from a young age.
I don't socialise with others that much these days as I am quite antisocial 😆, but I have friends who do and their children are very confident.

Private schools tend to cream off kids from a community who are more likely to be medium and high achievers. If they were in the mix at the local comprehensive the balance of different levels of ability would be better. It really benefits a school to have a substantial cohort of fairly studious, well-behaved and intelligent children. I'm not saying that all kids at private schools are like that, just that the proportion would be better if education was truly comprehensive.

OP, I agree there are generally vast differences in the education and experiences offered.

If you take any child and put them in the local comp that child will likely perform worse and have worse outcomes than they would in a private school. This is supported by many universities who exclude privately educated young people from their widening participation programmes and actively seek young people from schools where results are worse.

If you feel like this though, show it and talk about with your daughter all you'll do is make her less confident and conscious of the differences. You can control this- that is in your power.

You can also look at local am dram groups for her which will help with confidence and public speaking. You could support any interests that she has, get her to take part in after school activities. Take her to museums, the library, art galleries, parks, theatre, scouts, cadets anywhere you can and everything you can so she has as much variety and as many experiences as possible. Talk to her about them.

Encourage her academics, make sure she has everything she needs, does her homework and expand on ut if you can. If she's a bit older sign her up to extra courses either online or in person. Try to instill in her why her education is vital.

Look at the local schools, is there a grammar nearby that she could apply to. Do any of the private schools offer bursaries or discounted rates?

I couldn't afford private for my children but one got into a grammar and the other has sen so he's in a independent specialist.

Take some control and look at what you can give her rather than what you can't.

All the children in the area I live in go to the state primary nearby. It's a good school. If you have chosen a good enough school for your child, I have no idea what you feel bad about to be honest. The point is to ensure you are raising a well rounded resilient human regardless of where they get their education. My private primary school back home had 30 in a class. State secondary had 100. I managed fine with the support of my parents.

@hunnsh If your DC is talented in any specific field - sports, music, language, whatever - they will always achieve. These can be supported out of school.

If you put an average child in a state school or private school, they will do equally well. A child will be a learning sponge, or not, wherever they are educated. They may or may not have specific interests which can be encouraged. Or they may be like most of us who bumble along, tick the boxes and get a job.

I'm saying this as a parent who has two DC, both GAT cohort, Oxbridge fodder, educated in state schools and I had no idea they were even in that top 5% until a teacher told me one parents' evening. If they were in a private school, would their outcomes be any different? No. I don't think so. Will your DC be any more intelligent or gifted by going to a private school? No. I don't think they will. Yes, they'll have more attention, yes, there may be more after school classes, yes, they may have kudos if the private school is a recognised one that sees them on their way to the House of Commons.

Other than that. Don't. Don't aspire to have a DC who isn't grounded in real life. Our future generations should be empathic, not elitist.

I'll hop off my soapbox now!

I'm not saying it's the same, at all - just found it surprising that swimming and sports weren't taught weekly.

At my DD's Primary they wore their kit to school so no changing needed. They didn't change every 4-6 weeks. They had 2 P.E lessons a week plus swimming once a week. They would do 6 sports over the year. Gymnastics/Tag Rugby/Netball/Cricket can't remember the other 2. Perhaps running? They didn't do Athletics as such but did do sprinting/longer distances. The P.E/swimming teachers all had qualifications - lots were high level sports specific I assume as they coached in those Sports out of school. I never heard of her P.E teachers letting them sit down and chat! DD would have loved that! 😂

The world isn't fair and anyone who is old enough to have a child needs to stop thinking it should be.
That is childish thinking.

It's not fair that some people are born with life limiting illnesses and their child won't even survive to go to any school.
It's not fair that there are people who earn less than you and have less in every way, but I don't see you volunteering to live their life, you just want more for you and yours.
You are only defining fairness as something that should make things better for yourself.

Treasure and enjoy the life you have and the life you give your children and make the best of it.
Strive to do better if that is what you want, but stop longing to pull everyone down who has what you do not and stop whining the world won't hand you what you want because you want it.

i care about her experiences now, not what she might achieve in future.

And that mindset is going to damaged her far more than going to a state school.

Your child has all sorts of privileges that other kids don't have. For example (tick all that apply): an interested and involved parent, regular quality food, decent housing, good health, a not-too-pushy school (because private schools can actually destroy children's confidence with their expectations). What I'm getting at is that there are many ways in which life is unfair and you can't change that. Just do the best you can, and maybe find some more ordinary friends if that will help.

This this and this….
you sound very childish

OP it’s not all down to the school.

a loving background with lots of friends and outside interests can make a huge difference?

and honestly they all end up at the same unis and in the same careers. Private education isn’t some golden ticket (as an realising about 15 years too late….)

The biggest divider is forged at conception when the genetic hand is dealt and your entitlement to live in a peaceful and developed country, or not, is set. Then your luck is tested again with the wealth and security of your family and the stability and safety of the people in your home, their capacity to care for you and their interest in your development.

By the time you get to which school you are sending them to it's in to marginal gains.

Well, you could argue it's not fair that Children in the UK get access to free education for +- 14 years, along with free healthcare, and children in other parts of the world receive neither.

Let's not even get started on children growing up in war zones, or without access to clean water, or all the other dangers that Western children largely know nothing of.

Count your blessings OP for goodness sake.

There are huge differences between the financial standards at private schools, there will be parents spending every spare penny on education, no holidays and running an old car; and parents travelling in private jets to their chalet in the Alps.
No matter what your lifestyle, there will always be people better off and worse off than you, don't waste you life thinking about it. Just make the best of what you have.

Comparison is the thief of joy. Yes, in this way they are advantaged. However, your daughter will have other advantages (perhaps naturally bright, friendly, sporty, defo experience of people with different backgrounds, defo a loving supportive mother etc). You truly can't judge one for one.

If you really feel strongly, assuming she is at primary now, could you start saving up/ looking for ways to have a higher paid job + lower outgoings by time she is at secondary, and also consider a bursary? There might be a way x