To just feel so sad that I can’t give my child the same education as another

[hunnsh]

I will never have the money to send my dc to private school. For starters I’m a single parent but even when I was with her dad we would have massive struggled to pay fees.

Two of my ‘mum friends’ have chosen private school for their daughters, same age as my daughter and they are doing so much more than my child. They have weekly swimming and sports classes, the food is even miles better than at state, they have their own theatre, the classes are half the size of my daughter’s. I know you can still do well at a state school and my daughter does seem happy but I know already that her chances are lesser than these other two. They are both miles ahead in confidence and I can only put that down to how the classes are smaller and they are exposed to more activities etc. It makes me so sad for my daughter. I know there’s nothing that can be done but it seems so unfair? It’s like their futures are already marked out a little bit and all down to the fact they have been lucky to go somewhere everyday that is more focused on them. Just feel like it’s very unfair.

Well obviously their school is nicer. That is literally what they are paying for. Private schools wouldn't exist if they offered the same as state school. I think it's weird to describe that as 'unfair'. This isn't a communist country people have the right to spend their money that they presumably earned on what they want.

None of it actually matters though.
What matters far far more than which school a child goes to is the interest their parent(s) take in them and the encouragement you can give.
Class size is in fact irrelevant as long as the quality of teaching is good.

I could afford to send my DC to private school and I didn't because I don't believe in them. I think it's all emperors new clothes bollocks tbh and a waste of money. Most of the reason private schools get good results is they select out kids who are failing and their parents put in a tonne of effort.

I invested my time money and effort in reading to my kids every night, bought them books, took them to concerts, galleries, museums, sports events, walking in nature, gardening, cooking. Just gave them a lot of varied experiences and encouraged them in anything they showed an interest in.

If you do that you will have a far bigger impact on your child's life chances than any school ever would so stop moping about being jealous of things you can't change and make your daughters life the best it can be secure in the knowledge that this is all that matters.

Well it is what is. Either you explore every possible avenue to see if you can make it happen - or you make your peace with it.

42??? The class size is 42? Is that school vastly oversubscribed? That seems too many by a long chalk.

However, the stuff about enriching your child's life with cultural snd sporting opportunities, and doing things like Guides to build confidence is true. And that is the biggest difference between private school children, imo.

A colleague in my team at work went to a private boarding school from age 6, then St Andrews university where she got a first class degree. She now works for a charity earning an ok salary. My best friend went to a day private school and now works as a self employed dog groomer, earning little over minimum wage and topping up with benefits. I didn’t go to private school, I didn’t go to uni and I’ve reached a high level within my field, I earn a decent salary and am happy. Don’t compare to others, yes it’s galling and we all wish we could afford more but there’s no use complaining. I interviewed for a job at a private school with the hope of getting it and a reduction in fees for my daughter but I wasn’t successful, it would have been nice but she goes to a great school and I feel that her clubs and hobbies plus me and her dad (we’re not together) make her a great, well rounded, confident girl. You get out what you put in.

One of my friends has a thriving private practice as a psychologist treating all the kids at the local prestigious selective private schools for their anxiety and eating disorders induced by hothousing and excessive expectations.

I have never regretted my decision to state educate my DC for even one second. They are doing great happy and well adjusted with a wide circle of friends from all walks of life. My DD has a decent set of GCSEs 7-9s despite her school being Ofsted rated as 'requires improvement' throughout her time there. She has As predicted for A level and the added bonus of contextual offers for some RG unis. Never paid for any tutoring either just helped her myself if she was stuck with anything. I am glad I didn't waste my money. She's glad too.

My kids had an awesome state schooling and now flying at uni. But most important of all happy.

i don’t think they missed out on anything that a private school could offer. School after all is only part of life and development.

Something like 7 per cent of children are educated privately. Which leaves 93 per cent in State education. My DD friend disliked private school, and was happier in out local girls only seconday modern. So much depends on the sort of child they are.Everywhere in life there will be someone wealthier and more successful than you .that's just life.As DM used to tell me when I whinged "lifes not fair ,get over it " You are a loving , caring Mum .She's halfway there! Most people would like private school , they would prefer a 4 bed detached house than a rented flat./they have to budget accordingly. As a married couple., we could not afford private school when our 2 were young .my own DS failed his 11 plus ,he excelled as top of his secondary school .now got a MSC in chemistry from RG uni. Keep encouraging her and she will do well too

I teach at an inner city comp and our students achieve better grades than the local private school!

In terms of life experiences, we as parents can provide a range of those.

Can’t help with the food I’m afraid - take a packed lunch!

You really don’t. Private school have a very similar range of personalities as state school you still get the bullies, druggies, lay abouts and those highly motivated. And being the poor kid wouldn’t be all sweetness and light. Private school have as many issues as every where else in society.

No reason you can't take your DD swimming and dance/drama classes out of school.

Your definition of happiness is very skewed🙄…. Your child will grow up with poor values if you project this shit on her

Definitely

What a stupid comment!

If govt invested properly in education so it was the same for ALL children with no private schools then it would fair!

A full, rounded education education should be universal not the preserve of the rich!

When John Lennon was 5, he was set an assignment "what do you want be be when you grow up"

He answered "happy"

The teacher said "you don't understand the assignment"

He said "no, you don't understand life"

I just can't get behind this victimisation narrative that you have built because your child won't go to school with the wealthiest and most privileged cohort of children in the country. I mean, boo hoo. Now make the most of the cards you do have before you forge a chip on your kid's shoulder too.

Parental attitude counts for so much of children's contentment. If you are resentful, jealous and discontented that will impede her happiness much more than not being at a private school.

🤮

Agreed.

There are tons of really helpful posts on here from PP who have great ideas how to add richness to a childhood without costing £££s but OP seems determined to make the worst of things, and fester on her perceptions of injustice.

It's pointless trying to help when someone is so consumed by negativity.

I know people who went to Public school who wouldn't have put their DCs through Private education even if the fees had been paid for them! Their DCs have done just fine in State education - all working now in highly paid, well respected jobs.

YABU to think that public schooling is necessarily the best thing.
You would be far better giving your child as many life experiences as you can and encouraging them to work hard and be the best they can be.

I was privately educated (from 11 to 16) and I was permanently burnt out and anxious. The pressure to attend rehearsals each and every lunchtime/after school was immense; I stopped eating in Year 7. I wasn’t looked after, the teachers weren’t interested in our wellbeing at all. I left as soon as I could.

On the other hand, I teach at a brilliant secondary, which I’m sending my eldest to in September. I know he’ll get far better teaching than I received, and better support (he’s AuDHD).

The two children I was referring to are one of 10 and 12. They have a much better time at school.

Actually lots of children would find that far too small a cohort. My dc we're much happier in a large secondary school than they were in their small primary - more like minded peers. Imagine being in a class of 10 and not particularly getting on with the other 9....

So what do you think is 'better' - the standard of education? You've just said you know yours will do well academically regardless so it can't be that. Swimming lessons at school - so send your kid swimming. Music lessons - get your kid music lessons. Museum trips - take your kid to the museum. Residential - send your kid to guides or scouts.

Your attitude is actually damaging your kid right now. Parenting is about developing the child as a whole, and over the long term. Not living in the moment and feeling bitter.

I could never have afforded it for my kids either. Luckily there are ways. My eldest is super (scarily) bright and pushed me to let her take the entrance exam for a private school near us. She ended up achieve it the 2nd highest score with no tutoring or previous knowledge of the type of test given. So she was given a place with an academic scholarship. We were then assessed financially and awarded a 95% bursary. I’m not going to lie, that last 5% I have to pay on the fees and all the other expenses are a lot to me as a single parent, but as you said in your post, the opportunities she gets from the school, and watching her thrive for the last 2 years have meant the struggle is well worth it!

I wouldn’t say it’s luck unless you are born into money but sheer grit/determination or a large amount of risk (which often in business goes wrong) or working insanely long hours and still then even to be able to afford school fees is impossible for most.

It’s very sad that it has become such a huge divide now. School fees are at least double, maybe even 3x more than when I was a child. It’s not possible for parents to scrape it together anymore, sacrifice a holiday or even ask grandparents for help to cover it. It’s awful because it takes away that choice and some children do benefit with smaller class sizes, more specialised teachers etc.

I wouldn’t worry though OP, it all evens out in the long run and each child still has the same chance of attending university and a great one if they get the grades!

Yanbu to feel the way you do op. People going on how amazing state schooling is must not have been on the threads recently (even yesterday) where people were stating how dire the situation is right now. BUT you can't get too wrapped in a situation that's not possible. Lots of good suggestions on how to build your child up. Dh and I both went to state schools in a third world country but we have been hugely successful in this country with jobs so that hasn't stopped us. We have opted for private schooling though as we wanted specifics for our dc.
However I do know people whose kids are in good state schools.
How has the friendship been with your dd and her friends since they are now moving?

The majority of us cannot afford private education. What are tge advantages They gave over state education we need to be shouting loud at the inequality, expect adequate funding and parental support. This would make a massive difference on the share sector