To just feel so sad that I can’t give my child the same education as another

[hunnsh]

I will never have the money to send my dc to private school. For starters I’m a single parent but even when I was with her dad we would have massive struggled to pay fees.

Two of my ‘mum friends’ have chosen private school for their daughters, same age as my daughter and they are doing so much more than my child. They have weekly swimming and sports classes, the food is even miles better than at state, they have their own theatre, the classes are half the size of my daughter’s. I know you can still do well at a state school and my daughter does seem happy but I know already that her chances are lesser than these other two. They are both miles ahead in confidence and I can only put that down to how the classes are smaller and they are exposed to more activities etc. It makes me so sad for my daughter. I know there’s nothing that can be done but it seems so unfair? It’s like their futures are already marked out a little bit and all down to the fact they have been lucky to go somewhere everyday that is more focused on them. Just feel like it’s very unfair.

Harsh comments. Totally understand why you feel upset. We all want the best for our kids, it’s easy for other people to tell you to suck it up. I guess it’s easier when you don’t know anyone in private but the contrast must be stark if you do. Any way you can start saving for secondary?

plenty of privately educated people lead lives barely distinguishable from state educated.

This is very true.

The one thing I think really does make a difference and which you should try to replicate is self confidence. I don't know if it's private school or just being in a middle class family, but middle class children (ok, maybe not all of them) are more confident in interacting with others, especially adults, and can be far more at ease in conversation than monosyllabic state school teenagers who have difficulty making eye contact.

Nevermind memories of playing lacrosse or whatever in their school days, attaining a level of self confidence in their teens will benefit them in early adulthood.

As if it were that easy.

• life is unfair in many ways. You can’t have everything others have
• we toured a bunch of private schools and in the process met with many alumni. My DH’s social circle consists of many private school educated people. My impressions was that the majority haven’t achieved anything notable (at least nothing that private education is required) many are in pretty average jobs where you really don’t need private education to do them.

I feel similar to you OP, I'm in an area where lots of parents go down the private route and several kids in my dds class are in tutoring and exam prep. It does feel unfair but I'm actually trying to step back and focus more on my dd being well-rounded and enjoying her life. Some of her friends are under a lot of pressure and frankly seem quite anxious and unhappy. I'm also on the fence about private education generally, I think it's a good option for kids who struggle on mainstream but I think for most children being in a mixed environment can be beneficial in itself. Private education isn't the difference between a good life and a bad life.

Most of us are probably in the same situation, I couldn't afford private school for DS, so yeah, OP does need to suck it up.

It is unfair. If you have some disposable income (not enough for school fees, but some) and the luxury of time then there is a certain amount you can do redress the balance though, especially at primary where the difference is not so stark. Extra curriculars like sport, music, drama/debating and foreign languages, educational trips and activities, lots of time and attention spent involved in their homework and especially reading, maybe a tutor if you feel they're falling behind in certain areas like maths. I do think a dedicated and involved parent can do a lot themselves,even if they can't replicate the full package of private and will certainly have to do a lot more legwork than private school parents will.

@BMW6 i understand you’re trying to make a point but given my income ceiling is at its max in the area I work, I would have to retrain to earn more. Not exactly realistic as a single parent.

@MaryMaryVeryContrary i have thought about it but my mortgage is 1,200 and income only 2,700. I just don’t think it would ever be realistic sadly.

Helpful. Do you dream of a world where everyone is a venture capitalist and noone is a nurse?

I went to grammar school, my sister went to private school. We both went to uni after and have good careers!

She also didn’t do a single extracurricular activity despite being at private school (didn’t want to), so there’s no guarantee your DD would either.

Please don’t beat yourself up about it, your DD won’t suffer not going to private school.

@zzplex i care about her experiences now, not what she might achieve in future. The other kids have some much richer experiences already, on a daily basis.

Private school is not the be-all and end-all. Having parents who are loving, happy and interested in helping their children to learn and grow is a far better indicator of future success. Take her to museums, and galleries, and child-appropriate talks. Go to the theatre, encourage her to learn an instrument. Sign her up for sports and / or a drama class. Buy her a microscope and a wormery.

All these things will help her develop into a well-rounded person with a love of learning. She'll be fine, because you care.

There is always someone who has more advantages than you and there is always someone who has fewer advantages than you. Your child is loved, your child is supported and your child already has advantages that others can never have, your child is not in the care system for example.

There any many fantastic state schools that l would choose over private

DD got into a selective private school but we couldn't take it up as no scholarships were being offered to new girls as it was 2020.

I wanted DD to go to private as knew she was very bright but would struggle with the school environment. Turns out she's autistic and actually the very early start and longer days could have been a hindrance.

It is possible to emulate a private education at least in part, drama club, swimming club, cultural experiences, the assumption that they will go to Uni (even if they don't) and talking about it and visiting local uni towns, outreach programmes, careers/science/art fairs to talk to employers. Most of these things can be done at a low cost they just need research and planning

OP - I could afford private schools but chose to move DCs to state for secondary because I wanted them to have a broader social circle. They are now well educated, well rounded adults.

Life is totally unfair though. You earn more than many people,

I am looking after a teenager at the moment who wasn't even getting food provided for them and had to sleep on the sofa as parents had too many children to fit in their house. They weren't supported to attend school so are at a huge disadvantage, as well as them having a number of additional needs that have been ignored , much more so than the difference between going to state/private.

It's impossible for things to be fair for everyone so it's not even worth given it any more thought.

The vast majority of kids are in state schools, you are blowing this out of proportion

You can send your daughter to weekly swimming lessons, and encourage her to do a middle class sport (something like hockey or tennis). There's nothing to say that these private school pupils will do any better in the long run, some still get bullied and develop drug problems etc, you can only do the best you can at the time. As for food, you can cook healthy and delicious food at home, where your daughter will spend most of her time, and if you think her school meals are really bad, send her with a packed lunch.

YABU. And don’t let your daughter know these irrational feelings. I’d be grateful your daughter gets a normal school experience same as most kids, no amount of money in the world could convince me to send my kids to private schools. All adults I meet who went to private schools are genuinely terrible people. So entitled.

OP, there is so much you can do. Focus on that. You can take her swimming every week, or let her join a sports club. Look for a good youth theatre or local drama group. Encourage her to join her state school choir and/or orchestra.

Give her good general knowledge of the world - go to museums, exhibitions, galleries, theatre shows, ballet or opera - you don't need to go all the time and you can squeeze into the cheap seats, but just having some experience of these helps address the balance. Get her to try different foods, read widely, not just fiction but books about how the world works. Talk with her, ask her opinions on subjects in the news. Get her to think critically.

Work on her confidence. Encourage her to treat herself with respect and compassion and not to allow her opinion of herself to be based on the judgement of people who try to put her down. Encourage her to be proud of her work ethic, to move and speak with confidence. Public speaking and debating societies are good for this, and they are often available at state schools too.

Loads of what good private schools offer can be provided by a parent who cares. And there's lots to be said for state schools. I was allowed to join my school's orchestra and choir, even though I was rubbish, because it was a comp - all welcome. No private school would have let such a weak performer show them up.

Surely rather than worrying about what's fair you teach your daughter to aim high and work hard.
I say this as someone who grew up in a rough part of East London on free school meals, at a rough state comp, who now has multiple degrees (RG and more than held my own academically with privately educated peers), post graduate and professional qualifications and a well paying professional job, home etc. Life isn't fair, I learned that early, it makes me resilient now.

We can afford private school but have opted for state. After lockdown and all the disruption, I can honestly say our ambition for our child shifted, we just want him to be happy. After viewing several schools he felt most comfortable in the state school. Was it the right decision? I honestly don’t know but he continues to be happy at school and that is the main thing.

Many of my colleagues, on the same pay scale as me, went to private school. Some have happy tales of school, others (many of whom boarded) have such painful memories of school.

Private school doesn’t always lead to happiness, confidence or financial success. Invest in your child by giving them enriching experiences and your time.

By having an interested and loving parent in their life, your child is already one of life’s lucky ones.

You're putting to much on this and life is inherently unfair. Expecting it to somehow be fair to your DD is unreasonable. You're DD is already well ahead of hundreds of millions of children world wide who live in abject poverty or worse. Their will be other paths to achieving those outcomes you want for your DD without such a hefty price tag if you're willing to make that happen. My DD has gained a lot of self confidence doing a team sport.