To just feel so sad that I can’t give my child the same education as another

[hunnsh]

I will never have the money to send my dc to private school. For starters I’m a single parent but even when I was with her dad we would have massive struggled to pay fees.

Two of my ‘mum friends’ have chosen private school for their daughters, same age as my daughter and they are doing so much more than my child. They have weekly swimming and sports classes, the food is even miles better than at state, they have their own theatre, the classes are half the size of my daughter’s. I know you can still do well at a state school and my daughter does seem happy but I know already that her chances are lesser than these other two. They are both miles ahead in confidence and I can only put that down to how the classes are smaller and they are exposed to more activities etc. It makes me so sad for my daughter. I know there’s nothing that can be done but it seems so unfair? It’s like their futures are already marked out a little bit and all down to the fact they have been lucky to go somewhere everyday that is more focused on them. Just feel like it’s very unfair.

Reframe your thinking. You can't afford private school, loads of us can't. You can make sure she has lots of enriching experiences though. It might mean you have to make some sacrifices financially or do a bit of research but you can. You can look at music or dance classes starting now, you could get a tutor if you think at any point she is struggling, you can take her to groups and perhaps coordinate pick ups and drop offs with other parents. You can use weekends or free time to go to museums, spend time together, read together, do times tables on the way to school, encourage her to speak to people in shops. Basically spend some time and money finding where her interests lie and encourage those.

Look, OP, you're right, it is unfair. As someone else has pointed out, life is unfair in many ways. The UK should care more about education, but they don't and I can't see that situation ever changing, sadly. That limits your options.

On a positive note, it may seem like a small thing, but don't discount the fact your child is happy at their school now. That's quite a big thing. If she's bright and has the ability to get along with others and make friends, she will do ok. Just continue to love her, take her to the places you can (like art galleries, museums, libraries, outdoor spaces etc), encourage extracurricular activities that she shows an interest in and do what you can to foster her curiosity.

Are you trying to be extremely mean or are you seriously too ill informed to know the answer to this?

Some children are born into families with money. Some have good looks, sunny personalities, sporting/musical/dramatic or many other talents. Some have large, supportive loving families. Some have multiple advantages.

Some are hindered by disability. Some are born into less money. Some families are chaotic and unhelpful for development. Some suffer from illness, some have poor mental health. Some lose parents, some have fractious parents, some have challenging siblings. Some have many disadvantages.

No, it is not fair that some are so privileged and others are not. But it is life.

If you want to give your child a great start, you need to look at the people around you and make them the people who will push you both up not keep you both down.

There is an oft touted notion that we are the sum of the 5 people closest to us.
You've probably heard it expressed as "Birds of a feather flock together"

Friends of millionaires are more likely to be millionaires, friends of self employed people are more likely to try self employment, friends of drug addicts are more likely to be drug addicts, friends of people who constantly moan about all the things they don't have but never do anything about it are more likely to be friends with.... you guessed it, other people who constantly moan about all the things they don't have but never do anything about it.

We settle or feel able to reach for things that seem more familiar, for things we see are achievable in the people we see around us all the time.

Look at the people around you and ask yourself if these are people who inspire or drive you to improve, or if they are keeping you in the place you have currently found yourself.
Ask yourself if they are role models you want your child to learn from, or people who will trap her in a life of low achievement.

Being a single parent doesn't mean you have to stay in a poorly paid job forever, your life didn't end when you had a child and you can reinvent yourself at any age.

If you don't want to be the people you are closest to, decide who you do want to be and seek out people with a similar drive/passion to live a better life.

If you dream of being a millionaire, don't start by giving up because you don't know any millionaires, start by seeking out people who are doing better than you and once you reach their level, seek out people who are doing better than you are then, or advance with them if they are improving themselves and their lives.

Loving and supporting your child while modelling successful behaviour will take you both further than private school ever could.

All this - I can only assume the pp is being obtuse. And also private school is 15k of your post tax income - even lots of ‘high earners’ can’t afford that! Im well educated, high achieving and in a respected ‘high earning’ profession and my OH earns ok and there is no way we could afford to send both of children once tax and student loans come off, maybe just maybe one when my pay goes up further. For good or bad private schools are becoming the domain of the super rich. My parents were working class, no qualifications at all and sent me to private school which helped me in life and my career - yet I seem to have a worse house, less holidays and can’t give my children the same education experience - more avocados and coffees though 🤦🏼‍♀️

on a positive note - people’s experience and achievements in later life vary a lot after private school. I have some colleagues that won’t use private school as they have experienced siblings who didn’t learn to learn and be self sufficient then did badly at uni where they thrived after state school. The best predictor of achievement is home rather than school so try to instill value in education and broad experiences.

Stop hanging out with others with loads more money than you.

So as I see it you have a few choices:

choice one - move to somewhere that she gets a similar experience without being in private school. Where I live my mortgage is a bit less than 1200 a month (950 for a 3 bed family home) and my son goes to a primary with 17 kids in the class. He does activities at school but also I can easily afford after school clubs and activities on a similar take home pay to you (and could when I was on less than that in previous years).

or

choice two - enquire about bursaries at the private schools (sometimes only available from year 3 but they are income calculated and combined with a private school education loan you might be able to make it work - not that I’m saying you should, just an option to consider)

or

choice three - try to get your daughter into extra-curricular activity outside of school such as a local stage school or something, which will build her confidence in the same way.

or

choice four - accept life isn’t fair.

There are ways you can level the playing field for your child, reading and extra parental involvement in homework after school enrichments, clubs and sports activities, buy a cheap instrument and encourage them to learn to play it from the internet. My DS1 was at a school which was in special measures but attended as many enrichment classes as he could one of the teachers decided to start a debating club he loved it and they competed against several private schools. He’s now at a top university and has both judged and run a debating society. DS2 loves music and has regular guitar lessons which we can afford he has since picked up how to play keyboards himself. Really spending time encouraging and learning with your child is invaluable and no private school teacher is as invested as you are in your child’s success.

Any child can thrive in a good state school.
Private school isn't all it's cooked out to be and nothing can change my mind that it's nothing but snobbery.

You get a gentle yabu from me. I get where you're coming from, we all want the best for our dc, but there are things that are beyond our control, so aren't worth worrying about.

What helps me when I feel like this is to remember that the biggest thing that makes a difference in a dc's life is being loved. If you've got that bit right, stuff like what school they go to is just the sprinkles on top, that don't make nearly so much difference.

It’s hard to believe, @hunnsh but I’ve gone through this entire thread and haven’t seen a single person mention bursaries. 🤔

Are you not aware of them?

The youngest in my family had a few years at prep on a scholarship and bursary totalling 100% of fees and five years at a boarding school you will have heard of - on a 100% bursary.

Bursaries are means tested. Good schools want to widen access because it’s good for the school. They are particularly welcoming to single parents.

Why don’t you enquire? You might be surprised to realise just how many independent school pupils’ parents do not pay full, or even any, fees.

Some of the things you mention can be done after school. Swimming, theater, music, dancing, library, sports there is local groups everywhere and on the weekend. You can also spare some time teaching her some stuff at home. I agree the meals are not great but you can do a nice evening meal. If you don't have much time, like I do over the week, do it at weekends. She will grow and in a few years she will be able to get a bus or whatever. I wouldn't worry much about it.
Now a days there is not much difference between private or state unless the private is an elite school and the state is in a very deprived area with far more issues going on around that the school meals.

I always think two of the best things you can do for your kids is get them swimming lessons and piano lessons from a youngish age. Beyond that they don't need 'all' the opportunities, just encourage them in any particular direction they show a strong interest in with after school clubs and clubs outside of school.

DS is doing great in state school and got mostly 9's at GCSE. Loads of home support and encouragement can really make a huge difference.

Of the people I know now that went to private school (either colleagues or friends) none are doing particularly “better” than others, nor would you know who went to private school and who went to state school. There’s plenty you can do with your child(ren) that’s free or just be present with them at home to give them experiences and activities.
unless you want them to go into politics (and let’s be honest. Who wants that?!) state school is more than fine

This post nails it in one.

Look OP, I know you're wringing your hands because you just want your DC to have the very best that life has to offer but life just isn't like that. You make the very best of what you can offer, and maximise opportunities that you think would help your DC to thrive and grow.

Of course private schools are better equipped and funded. I know two girls who went to private school and hated it. There were lots of eating disorders and bullying, so much so that one girl begged her mum to leave to go to a state school with her friends. She did, she was so much happier, and she got amazing grades.

Obviously this is just one school and it's anecdotal, but you need to consider the fuller picture. Money isn't everything and there's plenty you can do to provide your child with a wonderful life and rich experiences, even if you can't afford the most luxurious option.

There will be people looking at what you offer and wishing they could offer their child what you have. I have two DC, both disabled - my DS is still in nappies at nearly 15 years of age and won't ever live independently. This isn't a race to the bottom, but I really do want to emphasise that I understand better than many how comparing your child, your opportunities, and your life to others will only lead to envy and disappointment.

Encourage your DD to go to clubs and make new friends - Brownies/Guides, drama clubs, volunteering, after school clubs, youth clubs? Music groups/youth choir? What are her passions, her interests?

A loving home and a present and engaged parent are worth more than all the riches in the world. Don't sour things with bitterness. Instilling your DC with the attitude that they can do anything they set their mind to is invaluable.

I know you're worried about the experiences she's having now, but all of the above will give her a rich and wonderful childhood. Seriously, don't compare your life to anyone else's - it rarely, if ever, helps and honestly, it's just a pointless exercise.

I didn't go to private school (my parents worked in the care sector) and when I started working in the professional world under a graduate contract, I was training alongside people who'd gone to Eton/Oxbridge.

If your DC is willing to work hard and reach for the moon, she should hit a good few stars on the way.

Don't let your own insecurities influence her ambition, if she's already doing well, she will achieve her potential if ahead continues in the same vein.

@Kitkat1523 its not childish to want your child to have a happy childhood. My daughter is in a class of 42 children. The two children I was referring to are one of 10 and 12. They have a much better time at school.

I hear you, and I get where you're coming from, I really do.

I try to remind myself often though, how in the grand scheme of the world, and all of history, those of us born in the UK now are some of the most privileged people to ever grace the earth. It's very humbling when you really think about it. There are so few people alive now, and so few people who have come before us, who have/had access to free education, health care and opportunity the way we do in the UK.

I like to focus on that, rather than bog myself down with the social inequality we've got to deal with. We've all still got phenomenal opportunities available to us. We're so very lucky.

I've phrased this whole comment appallingly (sleep deprivation) but I hope you get the gist.

It really truly doesn’t mean they’ll necessarily do better. I remember talking to a lovely friend of mine who taught in an expensive private school in central London saying she felt really sorry for the children. They were under such pressure, had no playground and weren’t allowed to be children. Now, I know that many private schools are not like that and some really will just be plain better and nicer for the kids, but focus on what you can give your child rather than what you can’t. You can give conversation, reading with them, trips to interesting places and time and attention. This is ultimately much more important.

Most people I know that have gone to private schools haven't done that well or they would've achieved the same if going to state school.

@Chewinggumwall this is my point though. I know she will ‘do well’ wherever she is. I just also know that school would be much nicer for her if she was at one of these schools rather than the one she is at.

OP, I worked in primary and currently in secondary. I also have 2 of my own in secondary and one in primary.
I understand how you feel and I've contemplated using online schools as I do see how bad some schools are from the inside.
What I can say is that if your daughter can get through mainstream and out the other side with some decent GCSEs, she will have way more resilience and determination than your friends' daughters!

Why not focus on what she does have:

She lives in a peaceful country
She has food
She has the right to an education
She has a family - even one parent, that loves her.
She is supported, read to (I assume), spoken to, championed.
She has her health

Your daughter has won the lottery of life! Celebrate that. She is already better off than the vast majority of the worlds children. Why compare to a small niche and find the world lacking.

Your child has a massive advantage in life over the children in Gaza. And many other children around the world.

In fact, your child is already in the top few % of most privileged children in the world.

If you want more for them than that, that's on you to use it as motivation for yourself.