To just feel so sad that I can’t give my child the same education as another

[hunnsh]

I will never have the money to send my dc to private school. For starters I’m a single parent but even when I was with her dad we would have massive struggled to pay fees.

Two of my ‘mum friends’ have chosen private school for their daughters, same age as my daughter and they are doing so much more than my child. They have weekly swimming and sports classes, the food is even miles better than at state, they have their own theatre, the classes are half the size of my daughter’s. I know you can still do well at a state school and my daughter does seem happy but I know already that her chances are lesser than these other two. They are both miles ahead in confidence and I can only put that down to how the classes are smaller and they are exposed to more activities etc. It makes me so sad for my daughter. I know there’s nothing that can be done but it seems so unfair? It’s like their futures are already marked out a little bit and all down to the fact they have been lucky to go somewhere everyday that is more focused on them. Just feel like it’s very unfair.

Trust me, going to private school doesn't mean that your daughter's friends will be better off. I know a few people that were educated privately and they've achieved very little with their lives.
Having a supportive parent is far more important than whether your child goes to private school or not. Have you checked out your local leisure centre for swimming lessons or other affordable extra-curriculars?

I think it's best to avoid looking at what you don't have and instead compare yourself to people who are much less fortunate. Compared to a billion people+ in the world you are very well off in that you have a home, a job, your child gets an education, fed, loved. You have won the life lottery compared to so many.

It is a minority of children who go to private school.

In our family my siblings and I went to a variety of schools: of us went to private school (got a scholarship in the old 'Direct grant' system), others Grammar and Comprehensive.

We all achieved the same educational qualifications, more or less the same grades (but with very different arts - STEM leanings) and have all attained roughly the same career and financial standing.

Be a great parent. Find all the free / cheap opportunities you can for your dd. Scouts, music projects, do museum visits, look for cheap theatre tickets, free art galleries etc etc.

My Dc is about to embark on a STEM Phd having been educated in S London comprehensive state schools, and has a cultural hobby, started at state school and community based projects.

Perhaps such short term thinking is the problem? Instant gratification only provides a very short term "fix" and does nothing for the longer term.

Maybe you need to think longer term, i.e. confidence/resilience building and other life long skills that will benefit her for years to come rather than her being miffed that her school friend Jemima has a pony and she doesn't! Speculate to accumulate works in many different ways and having confidence and assertiveness etc can get you further in life sometimes than mere qualifications and memories.

I always think it's good to have interests/hobbies and friends outside school, especially when sometimes school "friends" can be disruptive and lead to bullying etc. Having a wider circle of people and interests usually helps with confidence, assertiveness, resilience, etc as the child isn't so dependant on the random kids they have to endure in classrooms.

Just install in her an overwhelming self-confidence and a tremendous sense of entitlement and she'll be OK and you will have saved yourself hundreds of thousands pounds 👍

Any child born healthy and loved has a massive advantage over one that isn't. There will be lots of ways your child will be fortunate in comparison to others. Going to private school is no guarantee of success. I have older DC and some of my friends have sent their DC to the local private school but they're not doing any better than those that went to state schools.

One of my DC had a hobby as a teen which she was able to pursue through a national scheme for gifted and talented children. There are opportunities out there if you look for them.

I don’t see this at all. All my son’s friends are self assured, eloquent 16 year olds. Admittedly he goes to a very good state school.

I don’t see a massive difference of a private school to a (good) state in interpersonal skills - though my son says the private school kids are pretentious and full of their own importance (his school has use of some of their sports facilities). If that’s what self confidence means then I’d rather have my son and his friends’ version!

and OP, life isn’t fair sometimes. Money can buy opportunities but so can hard work and good family support.

Life is unfair, them's the breaks. If it bothers you that much, try to get a better job. Don't let your daughter pick up how you feel about these girls, if she is happy then let her be happy, there is nothing worse than her feeling deprived and then wondering why, if you feel so strongly, you didn't do anything about it. Also, there are scholarships and bursaries available for gifted kids.

I say this gently, but OP, you’ve got it backwards. Her future experiences are much more important than the ones now considering that she’s already happy where she is. She’d got decades of future ahead of her, and you surely don’t want her to be one of those adults who keeps reminiscing about school being the best time of their lives. Better to set her up to peak later when she’s got the money and maturity to enjoy her success than to peak in high school.

I have two in state, one in private, private isn't the be all and all.

If your child is happy I'd just relax about it.

You’re only focusing on the ‘good’ parts of private school. Private school can also have an incredibly toxic culture and a lot of famous/royal people who went to them have spoken about the issues and unhappiness they faced there. As for future prospects, all of my friends who have gone on to be doctors and people in highly qualified jobs have come from a public school. This idea that private school is the best is massively outdated and backwards now I think.

I had many rich experiences as a teen that were nothing to do with school. I was in a brilliant volunteer run Youth Theatre and a brilliant volunteer run choir. I also did dance classes and enjoyed time with my friends out cylcing and hanging out in the park. I have very happy memories of my teenage years and school was incidental.

Everything in life is unfair. We often only really pay attention to the things that are ‘unfair’ against us and not the things that go our way and we benefit from over other people.

BTW my children will go to state schools too. They have it better than some, worse than others.

life is unfair .

all you can do is work with the cards you hold…

the best gift I think you can give a child is time

time to read , play and listen and laugh with them.

sharing things together is priceless and doesn’t have to cost the Earth

show am interest in her education. When the topic list comes out - go to the library - get out some books on the romans, Egyptians etc.

take some time to read them, cook a recipe, visit a museum about their topics.

chevk out all the free / cheap arts and sports events run by councils and local groups. Lots of museums are free or low cost - or chose one group (national trust or English heritage etc) and make the investment in an annual pass - they do loads of fun, (enriching and educational) events for kids and family’s.

don’t over schedule her life with eNdless after school activities but chose a couple of things like rainbows, swimming etc and let her enjoy them.

let her enjoy down time with you - baking, crafting, playing minecraft together… putting a puzzle together.

invite her friends over and set up play dough, beads, simple fun activities where they can be creative together. Let them ice cup cakes and sell them to the neighbours for charity …

support her with school - help her learn her spellings, tables, do the reading etc that comes home but also read for pleasure with her ,

enjoy each other, talk and laugh and explain about the world - be the one to answer all her why’s and if you can’t look them up together online. watch movies together. Go for a bike ride. go bug hunting , build a den , camp out in the garden…. So many things you can do for little money that will enrich her life and help her to grow and develop.

school is important but they learn so much from being 1:1 with a caring interested parent.

don’t waste time being bitter and feeling sad that you have ‘less’ you get out of life what you put in and I think time is more important than money!

For anyone who knows of a teen from a disadvantaged background ie first in family to apply for Uni, been in care etc the Sutton Trust runs summer taster residential courses (all expenses paid ) at various Unis e.g. introductory courses for those applying for law, medicine etc. They also give small monetary grants, help with interview techniques etc. I think you apply Jan year 12.

Have you thought of looking for a state school that offers more of what you want? I know there isn't always a lot of choice but tends to be more at Primary than Secondary.

Is it the norm to not teach swimming or sports in state school?

I think if there was a 50/50 split between state and private, you’d have a point. Honestly, I’m far more outraged for the 95% in state who are then split between “good school” and “poor school”.

My kids have done really well in their state school. They have done many enrichment activities - Brownies, sports clubs, museums and galleries with me, talking about everything under the sun…

Am I jealous when they go to a schools sports tournament and the local private win everything in their fancy branded outfits? Yeah 🤷🏻‍♀️🤣

But… confidence is built in the home, opportunities are delivered by parents. I think you over estimate the private effect.
A lot of the success those pupils achieve is because they’re mostly selected on academic ability to begin with. There is a lot that you can do for your own child.

I attended state schools, my husband attended a well known boarding school, I have the better GCSEs and A-levels, I have a first class degree and a masters. He took on an apprenticeship. We now have essentially the same job at the same level, he found his apprenticeship very hard as he had never had to do anything independently in his entire life.

We could afford to send our two to private schools, we don’t want to as we believe state schools will provide a much more rounded education and better prepare them to be functioning members of society.

If your daughter picks up your resentment she may be concerned her efforts aren’t good enough for you, or she may feel that she’ll never achieve.

My gd was best friends with a child until they went school. My gd went to state the other private from reception. They met up again in 6th form. Gd had all A* at A level. I don't know what the other girl had but you can't really top that. Your children will be fine with caring parents and a good home life.

@Riversideandrelax it’s my experience that they rotate sports every 4-6 weeks. So volleyball become athletics becomes trampolining. But they do pretty much nothing in those 1 hour sessions - a lot of which is taken up by changing and behaviour management. And when they are doing the sport, they’re participating but not really learning, let alone being coached. You can stand around and not do a lot!

Compare that to my local private who has PE teachers who have high level sport specific coaching qualifications. They also pay for the experience days with our local top level netball team. Our state can’t afford that, and wouldn’t ever get the day off timetable from other classes. They also (my friend’s daughter’s experience) full participation. Whereas my children say that in Athletics you can go and do “triple jump” in the corner of the field and sit and chat.

It’s really completely different!

The kids all end up with each other at the same universities. What pays off is hard work and good grades.
The private school kids do more homework so make sure your dc keeps up with that level by staying on top of their subjects.
Give your dc the best life you can with experiences and enriching activities you can afford with all the love and connection you can give and they'll thrive.

I assume this comment is a joke because surely no one is this embarrassing unaware?

Yes there are a lot advantages to a private education but if that’s out of your reach which it is for most people then you have to make the best of your situation and stop worrying about other people.

Get her enrolled in as many after school activities you and her can deal with/ afford. For confidence drama is a great one but my DD did netball which has come in really handy at high school and she’s made some really good friendships with the most amazing girls on the back of it. Try a few and see what she enjoys.

Encourage her learning at home and try and look for local events at libraries, theatres and museums that you can do together.

It’s not the be all, although I do agree it does advantage.

dh’s parents paid for his sisters children to go private, but not ours.

they have grown into arrogant, privileged kids. They didn’t even do particularly well academically, certainly not the raft of a’s I’d be expecting. Not enough to get into RG uni’s.

mine are fine at state. i do think it’s unfair and I think mine would have excelled academically at private. But it is what it is.

I share your envy OP, never had any interest in private education until my DD started a dire state school. I'm very envious of those close to me who can choose private. I'm looking at bursary and scholarships for year 9.