To just feel so sad that I can’t give my child the same education as another

[hunnsh]

I will never have the money to send my dc to private school. For starters I’m a single parent but even when I was with her dad we would have massive struggled to pay fees.

Two of my ‘mum friends’ have chosen private school for their daughters, same age as my daughter and they are doing so much more than my child. They have weekly swimming and sports classes, the food is even miles better than at state, they have their own theatre, the classes are half the size of my daughter’s. I know you can still do well at a state school and my daughter does seem happy but I know already that her chances are lesser than these other two. They are both miles ahead in confidence and I can only put that down to how the classes are smaller and they are exposed to more activities etc. It makes me so sad for my daughter. I know there’s nothing that can be done but it seems so unfair? It’s like their futures are already marked out a little bit and all down to the fact they have been lucky to go somewhere everyday that is more focused on them. Just feel like it’s very unfair.

@Gonners Secondary. Tbh I am a firm believer it's a school Vs school issue rather than private Vs state so I fundamentally disagree with the Op as she obviously doesn't realise just because you pay, doesn't mean it's better. The private we were in was just crap. I'm sure there's lots of lovely ones.
Personally we found the school wasn't well resourced, esp when it came to non teaching pastoral staff. Good state schools have tons of this. We doing private has a lot more expectations on parents to do things themselves eg get tutors instead of school putting in place interventions. This is the same as friends who have kids in other private schools.
Almost all classes my DD is in at her state are smaller than the ones she had at the private.

Comparison is the thief of joy. I went to state school, my parents had no money for extra curricular clubs. Barely enough for the school trips at secondary school. I took whatever free opportunity was given to me at school and college. Went to Oxford university. In your case it seems you will be able to provide more of the parental guidance and nurturing than my migrant working class parents could as they were just trying to keep the family afloat

Number 1 look into bursaries and scholarships, there might be a provision for a child of a single parent.
Number 2 many (though not all) children at private schools feel enormous pressure to achieve which can cause anxiety. I teach at a selective school and the parents put a huge amount of pressure onto their children. For example one of my year 7 pupils has regular meltdowns because she doesn't think she'll get into Cambridge. Her parents keep taking her to look at the colleges and think about which one she'll go to. She's in year 7. Maybe they think they're sightseeing and having fun speculating, like I look at houses in expensive areas and consider which one I'd live in. But the poor 11 year old feels pressure. So don't fret about your child's education. There's lots of free or cheap activities you can do to boost her confidence and her cultural capital.

They don't just select out children who are failing, they also offer scholarships to the most academically-able state school pupils, thereby further undermining state schools.

If they want to live up to their 'charitable' status perhaps private schools should take all students with EHCPs instead. Now THAT would be amazing for those kids (who would really benefit from the extra support/ smaller class sizes etc).

Anyway, regarding the OP's concerns; I agree with others that your DD will develop resilience and loads of social skills at state school. She may also do better at university if she's not been spoon fed through school but had to developmore skills for independence.

Most universities now make 'contextual' offers because they recognise its easier to get top grades in a private setting. My son had a contextual offer from Bristol and I know others do too.

Having said all that, I do understand that you are talking about your DD's experiences NOW and how they are not as rich as her friends. This is something you can address: Can she join a theatre group? Or Street dance which is amazing for self confidence. You might not be able to afford private school fees but it sounds like you might be able to enrich her life with extra activities.

Plus you can do some of the things the private schools might do with students... such as trips to castles and museums. Help her learn an instrument. She can sign up for things like Duke of Edinburgh which is very rewarding for young people.

It IS unfair that we have a two tier school system in the UK. If the private schools were abolished the upper middle class parents would focus their time and energy on improving standards at state schools.

However. Your DD has a mum who cares, is interested in her education and well being, and she sounds like she's enjoying school. Whatever you do please don't let her know how disappointed you are with her school compared to her friends! She doesn't need to know this.

Best of luck

@ScottishWaylander The LA would have to pay the fees for whatever school is named in an EHCP so that wouldn't really work. And quite a few kids with EHCPs are at mainstream private schools as the environment is usually smaller and therefore suitable.

And I don’t think it’s fair that you assume it’s as easy as it seems, you don't necessarily know what people have had to sacrifice to send their kids to a private school. People have different priorities in life & they may be forgoing in other areas to allow their kids to attend these schools.

Two friends of mine both went to private school - they’re both teachers now. My husband earns more than them (software developer) and he went to state school! They’ve all travelled, lived abroad, had a good life. Your children are yours to provide opportunities to!

I went to an all-girls private school. The junior school was great, but through the years up to GCSEs and A-levels the academic pressure ramped up awfully. I didn't come out with brilliant results and it took a few years to get life in a better direction. It wasn't great and I don't know how I feel about it in retrospect. I don't think it gave me any advantages.

If i had the resources I MIGHT consider prep particularly if my children were sporty, but they're very happy at their primary school.

Just came here to say, my parents sacrificed almost everything to send myself and brother to private schools. We missed out on proper holidays, days out, and so much more.

We both hated the school(s) so much. I literally counted down the days till I could leave. That school robbed me of all my confidence, my love of sports, my enjoyment of learning, and made me utterly resentful of my time there.

Yes, I achieved more GCSE's than I would have at a state school, but at the expense of almost everything else. I had to leave all my friends behind at the end of primary school and honestly I don't think anything is more important at that age then having a group of friends you can depend on.

I would never put my child through private school, and my brother refers to the place as a "special school"

'but I know already that her chances are lesser than these other two'... simply not true, OP

It's seems too early to know what path your daughter might aspire to follow but there is masses of commentary about the 'best' universities selecting state school pupils in preference to those privately educated. You say she is hapoy where she is, there are many, many disgruntled parents who feel let down by the private school provision and costs are going up and up.
Above all, please don't let your daughter believe she is being short-changed because of your inability to let go of this irrationally envious attitude

Hi op,

firstly, gentle hug.
from your post I take : you love you dd to bits, you know she is happy, she is doing well.

noone knows how things turn in life but I know these things are the only things she needs.

it is hard not comparing and it is hard to be aware of things we can’t give but money isn’t buying it all. Money doesn’t buy the happy self she is now.

take care 💪🏼💐

Her chances are in no way lesser. No way. Please don't ever hint that might be the case to her, as it's cheesy, but her own mindset is the only thing in the way of her chances, as far as I'm concerned.

My children have gone to a mixture of both types of schools and I teach in state. If you have the skill set for whatever you want to do, and the drive to do it, I don't see why your school should prohibit you from achieving that. I know many brilliant state educated children and many mediocre privately educated ones... there's no point having tons of confidence if it's founded on not much actual talent.

I'm referring to the charitable nature of their scholarships. Funding the education of students with EHCPs would be more helpful, especially for the LEA.

Of course, the private schools are never going to do that as they value their place in league tables too much. It was a tongue in cheek comment!

Good grief, get a grip! Most kids go to state schools rather than private, and they do just fine. Perhaps your daughter can go to after school clubs which build skills, confidence and experience instead - Scouting, swimming, gymnastics, dance, water based life saving, etc. There’s lots of things to choose from!

I know it was a tongue in cheek comment but even if they wanted to, they can't! Even if there's an informal agreement in place where school covers some, ultimately LA is responsible for any fees.
Also private schools are a lot poorer and less resourced than people realise! Not everywhere is Eton.

Oh yes, that’s an easy solution. Do that!

Don't lose heart comparing, OP! If it helps reframe it, then personally I would say that her opportunities may be different to these other girls', but they won't be 'less than'. She will have the social opportunity (probably!) of meeting, getting to know and learning to get along with a diverse range of people from different backgrounds who she may not meet at private school. And it may ultimately give her a broader perspective on what she might want for her own future - I had uni friends who went to private school, which was meant to open all the doors for them, but in practice some said they ended up feeling quite restricted in terms of career options by what was seen as 'acceptable' in their circles and chose established 'profession'- type jobs because it was the done thing, when they would really have liked to pursue/experiment with other paths. That probably wouldn't happen everywhere, and I have no idea what those schools are like 20 years on, but you never know. The main thing is, her confidence and attainment will be more influenced by her life with you than what happens at school, wherever that happens to be. Support her interests and encourage her self esteem and friendships, and she will flourish! ❤️

I know a couple who put their four kids through private. All now in their twenties.

One of the daughters has never worked a day in her life and has just popped out her second child.

Two of the offspring have recently been made redundant again after jobs before that didn’t work out either.

The youngest is at uni and will be lucky to scrape a third.

The parents are minted so the adult children are making use of the bank of mum and dad.

Your child doesn’t have to go to private school to have weekly swimming lessons or sports classes. Both my DD’s have a sports or swimming class most days of the week. They are very confident young ladies because we have instilled it in them. If you don’t believe your DD is as good as children who go to private school then she won’t think it either.

My parents in law offered to pay for their grandchildren's education, but my sister in law and I both turned down the offer because we believe that state schools are at least as good. Our children have all done every bit as well at school and uni. When my cohort of B.Eds were looking for work, two girls said that they were going into private schools because their classroom management skills weren't good enough for state schools. Use your money to enjoy life with your family, don't make yourself a slave to earning enough to pay for a private education.

Please don’t lose heart. Our three DDs started out in the state sector, but moved to private girls’ schools after a year or so (we’ve moved A LOT, so different schools several times).
Yes, the good private schools can and do offer a lot of co and extra curricular activities, but are those things really important at primary level? They’re certainly nice to have, are enriching and allow exploration of interests, but I’m not sure they’re important to the overall development of children in a school environment when the home is the most important place to learn.
You can offer swimming lessons (which are often better than those offered in school), Rainbows/Cubs/Scouts, drama etc outside school. Our local councils ran programmes which were subsidised, so very affordable, especially with only one child.
Talking with your child about life and news and taking her to museums, art galleries, looking at maps etc will give her a broad education. I honestly believe most education goes on within the home. The school environment, no matter which sector, can only offer so much.
You sound like a great mother in that you want the best for your DD, so she will thrive.
Most of our DD’s friends were state educated and all have good careers and are lovely rounded people. Our youngest daughter’s boyfriend came to this country aged 4 with no English, lives in social housing, was state educated and is the loveliest, kindest, smartest and most interesting young man - he definitely hasn’t been held back by not being privately educated.
Your daughter will be absolutely fine.

Plenty of single parents retrain. You're already on a substantial salary, above the national average if you are in the UK.

Your daughter is already in a "luckier" position than around 2/3 of the children on the planet - you just feel envious because a few people close to you are in a better position than you, either through good fortune or hard work.

You're doing the best you can, without moving out of your comfort zone and retraining. You already have a good and professional job, and through either your choice or someone else's you're doing it on your own. The other people you mention are in couples, so have that financial advantage - you shouldn't judge your circumstances against theirs. Your daughter is happy and loved. If you're worried about experiences, book her in to extra-curricular activities, brownies/guides/scouts, change your finances (short periods on interest-only mortgage will extend the payment time but give you money now), move house, move job, get father/grandparents more involved to give extra time/experiences/money. You have lots of options.

Comparison is the thief of joy.

So children should be supported in schools to reach their full potential, but when they are they’re ’spoon fed’?

As far as resilience goes - are kids supposed to go through the hunger games and/or experience poverty tourism in order to obtain an education?

Surely resilience also depends on the individual, and isn’t determined by their schooling? Private schools are also, funnily enough, diverse places. I was one of the foreign kids in mine, and far from the only one. Unless the only diversity that matters is that of the financial variety, in which case it’s not like state schools are uniform in providing pupils with experience of every social strata.

Why not look into bursaries or scholarships? Both mine went to state schools and .survived. They both went to university & have very good jobs. If you live in or near an area with grammar schools look into them taking the eleven plus.

One of my children actually bailed out of a private school. The teaching was not top class and the children were quite odd and a bit spiteful. He was actually very academically able but really got behind. He had to be tutored up to state school standard.

I thought of another private school for my other son as I thought he might benefit being less academically able. When I worked out the distance he'd have to travel getting up at dawn to catch the bus and train and then get onto the school bus for the final leg of the journey, I concluded that the best thing was the local state school with plenty of cultural enrichment and private tutoring. He had language lessons, music lessons, swimming lessons etc. We used to watch some Spanish potboiler television series to work on his Spanish - quite moreish. I used to tutor him a lot and he had professional tutor for some things. It was all a lot cheaper and less stressful than the private school would have been.