Manipulated by women that “can’t”

[Mistressofpemberly]

Professional in my fifties with friends and colleagues of same age.
I’m increasing noticing that I’m expected to fill the gap at work and in friendships by women of my age who have fixed ideas about what they can and can’t do. They are all high flying professionals in responsible roles. They are all single.

The feeling that I’m being imposed on has been creeping up on me. I have had a bit of a light bulb moment and recognised that their behaviour is manipulative and I feel that I am being controlled.
AIBU in this? Is it a ‘thing’. Anyone else seeing the same? Examples following….

Like what?

I don't understand what you are being asked/ expected to do?

I'm not sure exactly what they are saying they can't do but I can't stand women who say they can't drive on the motorway, or at night.

What is it they can't do?

Can't drive? Can't do the splits? Can't use a spreadsheet? Can't be arsed?

You need to be channelling Zammo more. Just say no. NO!

Not meaning to sound like one of those women, but I'm 53 and I find driving at night to be more difficult as I get older; it doesn't stop me doing it but it is noticeably more difficult, I suppose as your eyes deteriorate.
Driving on motorways is no problem :)

Examples following what?

No I can't say I do experience it but I'm very much a just give it a go and get on with it sort of person so I can't imagine I'd be the person to come to in that sort of situation.

Sitting waiting for the examples

Is it a secret OP? What they are saying they can't do?

Driving at night is something lots of people struggle with because of the amount of glare from other headlights. It has nothing to do with being a woman, except perhaps men not feeling comfortable saying they dislike it or find it hard.

eg.

• can’t make their own way to airport for a weekend away
• cant drive their car to meet up outside of a specified area
• can’t Find their way from a to b even if it is only a 5 minute walk - meaning that I’m am expected to find them and take them there like a carer
• can’t get off of bed to get into work before 10.30 / 11 because they ‘don’t work that way’
• has to rearrange seating plans / travel plans as someone’s perfume is strong

just to reiterate these are professional women who are very well travelled and also hold down demanding jobs (albeit it seems on their own terms).

Why not put the examples in the OP? This isn't Twitter.

Need examples, post is useless without them. You shouldn’t have published the post if you didn’t have time to write them!

Do you think they mean it? Or do you think they are just saying that in order to get you to do the work?

There's lots of things I can't do. Maybe these women can't either.

These sound more like 'don't want tos' rather then 'can't dos'.

EDIT: Which is obviously why you used quote marks!

I literally cannot relate at all to what you’re saying. Everyone I know is a capable adult…feel like this is really unusual op.

Just say no.

For colleagues, are you their manager? If not, ignore it. If so, does it just irritate you because staff are able to work flexibly? Or is it actually causing problems with, eg, a service to be provided at 9.30am that they can’t do because they do not wish to start work then?

let that be your guide.

• has to rearrange seating plans / travel plans as someone’s perfume is strong

What should really happen is that the antisocial person who is imposing their perfume on people should be asked to leave. Fragrance allergies and intolerances are medical issues and in some cases are disabilities.

Your examples are all crap because quite plainly you're choosing to do it.

They can find their own way to wherever they need to be and either will do or will miss out.

What time they get up is really upto them.

Some people are especially sensitive to strong scents and this has no correlation age.

I have never known someone in real life who was so allergic to perfume they couldn’t stand next to them. If someone told me to go home for “imposing” my perfume on them I’d laugh my head off!!

I'm depressed at how many things I used to easily do and take for granted now cost me a lot. I'm 52.

I don't resonate with most of your examples but there could be health stuff underneath and they may say "can't" as a shorthand for "need to use energy for other things and this isn't worth it to me".

Mine would be:

• hold down v senior demanding job, but would not want to go on a site walkabout where I might be 1 hour away from a loo
• I wake up very early through menopause things so might say no to evening meeting

-aren't very good at using Slack so might need someone to check stuff for me so I'm sure it has done what it's meant to.

these are all very feeble but can't help it.

Never encountered anything like that. I’m 59. I think you know very unusual people.

Well, if you say this is happening both in your workplace and in your friendships, OP, I think I'd be asking myself why I was surrounded by such unusually helpless people -- because I (also a 50something professional with lots of women friends) have never encountered this among colleagues or friends.

Sorry been called into a meeting but returning later…