Manipulated by women that “can’t”

[Mistressofpemberly]

Professional in my fifties with friends and colleagues of same age.
I’m increasing noticing that I’m expected to fill the gap at work and in friendships by women of my age who have fixed ideas about what they can and can’t do. They are all high flying professionals in responsible roles. They are all single.

The feeling that I’m being imposed on has been creeping up on me. I have had a bit of a light bulb moment and recognised that their behaviour is manipulative and I feel that I am being controlled.
AIBU in this? Is it a ‘thing’. Anyone else seeing the same? Examples following….

Yeah see also people who make a huge song and dance about getting from A to B at night and insist on having to get a taxi for half a mile or being chaperoned by a bloke everywhere after the sun has gone down.

It’s one thing to not want to walk down a poorly lit alley at 2am but the idea that women are intrinsically unsafe after dark has always wound me up. It massively distorts the danger and distracts from the fact you are in far greater in your own home and it feeds the idea that we require men to take care of us.

Was just watching Alex Polizzi of Hotel Inspector fame. She was talking to a 37 yr old hotelier who had no idea how much money she was making or spending. Loved her response: Grow up! You’re 37!

I realised that I have changed - through necessity - so much since getting divorced. During the 20 years marriage I never or hardly hardly ever put petrol in the car, dealt with anything relating to the car, any home repairs, getting insurance policies, just stuff like that. Admittedly ex DH probably almost never put a duvet cover on a duvet, rustled up a quick meal, remembered people's birthdays etc. Frankly I was happy with this division of labour. Nowadays I've managed to deal with all the car stuff, put blinds up, replace taps and toilet seats, get different insurance policies and all that stuff, make basic repairs and maintenance of appliances. I fucking hate it though! I don't want to know about summer tyres and how to open the washing machine little flap and drain it! I know I'm not particularly good at it and I don't enjoy it. It has definitely done me good having to be responsible for 360 degrees of adult life, and made me more courageous and self sufficient, but I look forward to living with DP in the next few years and taking on a similar division of labour again, doesn't have to be identical but I think each person can take on the stuff they mind doing less.

I didn’t ‘laugh my head off’ when I was in hospital from a reaction to an overly perfumed colleague I was sitting next to. There are chemicals in certain perfumes/aftershaves that are so toxic they can cause a strong reaction. It’s poisoning the perfume-wearer’s system too…even if you don’t know it yet.

I couldn't stand next to you if you had strong perfume on or aftershave or body spray. For one it stinks and also I would have serious breathing problems and end up in A&E. So laughing your head off is, imo selfish and arrogant.

When I was a kid perfume used to make me feel sick instantly to the point of vomiting on occasion. Took me ages to work it out. Now it just gives me a massive migraine. I wouldn't tell you to go anywhere but I wouldn't hang out with you again if you were a nob about it.

You can always say no there not holding a gun to you're head

Oh please - that line hurt my head.

They’re not holding a gun to your head

Well @Mistressofpemberly my daughter is only a teenager and it’s taken me years to get her on public transport, she’s a germaphobe and as a younger child would rather not go somewhere than get on a bus. It is a such a weird thing as no one in her life is like it.
I refuse to get taxis though, so she’s had to on occasion get on a bus and now doesn’t cringe at the mere thought.
Menopause is a funny thing … I used to work with a lady who had the worst hot flushes first thing in the morning which made her late (occasionally). Sometimes she’s describe having to get in the shower to cool herself down. It sounded awful!
As for driving - I have an aunt who passed her test but drive anywhere that isn’t local, won’t do hill starts and has never driven on a motorway or dual carriage way..

If you and your friend are close enough to holiday together I’d ask her exactly what it is about busses she doesn’t like, and say frankly you would rather bus because of the cost difference between the bus and taxi!

As for work colleagues, I’d be inclined to say ‘what is it about walking from x to Y you can’t do?… phones have sat bags nowadays and can give walking instructions.. maybe it’s as simple as you needing to show them how to use maps?
maybe you could offer to show them how to do something once and say ‘I’ll join you THIS time and show you how to do it, but next time you need to do it by yourself!
I used to work with an older lady who really struggled with the paperwork side of our job… I used to do her time sheets for her every month. So there was one less thing for her to worry about. I’d go on all training with her so I could help her because she was deaf, so I’d ask straight away if we could sit near the front and I’d give her the relevant sheets to follow topic, or make notes for her to read if the trainer was talking.. when we had to split into groups I made it clear to the trainer we needed to be together. I think sometimes it’s nice to help others.
But if it’s grating on you I’d ask them ‘why the can’t or won’t do these things!’ It is fine for people not to do things as long as it doesn’t impact others. If it does then tell them

My husband has caused me to lose confidence driving on motorways or anywhere because he drives like he's stolen his car. Shouts that I'm too cautious and should put my foot down. Honestly we're both a quivering wreck when I drive.

I agree with all that you say except perfumes ,some types make me really want to throw up and distract from the matter in hand

I have literally no idea what you're asking

I agree but the perfume/scent thing is real. It makes me so car sick I can't function, same as air fresheners and plug ins and I think there's something wrong with people that can't smell tge chemicals in them.

I disagree on the main point. Some people really can't do certain things that others can, or can themselves do some things much better than they can do others. I am very aware of this, because I have alwyas had dyspraxia and associated visual processing problems. I have never been able to drive, and I do need help in finding my way in unfamiliar places, so that, for example, I always book 'meet and assist' services when I travel. If people blame me for my incapacities, that hurts me more than anything: far more than ordinary insults, being sworn at, etc.

However, I do try to structure my life so that I don't have to do the things that I can't manage, even though this means some sacrifices, rather than expecting to 'have it all' and that other people must step in and take up the slack.

So it rather depends on the situation. If you have become everyone's go-to person for assistance with everything, that is a bit CF-ish of them. Even if people genuinely can't do something, it doesn't automatically make it your job to do it.

If, on the other hand, you are the one who is making the plans, socially or at work, and then complaining that others aren't prepared to fit into your plans without assistance, then YABU and need to either be prepared to provide or arrange assistance, or to cease making such complicated plans that involve other people.

As regards the perfume: some people are genuinely allergic; and even if someone isn't, I think it's a bit inconsiderate to inflict a strong scent on others in an enclosed space, just as it's inconsiderate to inflict excessive noise on others in an enclosed space. And I speak as someone who isn't especially sensitive to scents.

That perfume you think smells nice smells like a bunch of gag making chemicals to a great many people. And if you can't smell any of them at all, you won't realise that you're wearing far too much either. Nobody likes it. Wear less

I sometimes wonder if people spend so much time in their normal routine that doing something out of that comfort zone becomes unusual and overly daunting.

Or perhaps everything else is so stressful that one more challenge (no matter how mild) is just too much.

Maybe sometimes they're just going "I don't want to do that, so I'm not going to. If you want to do it for me, great, otherwise I won't bother"

Or maybe some of it is being lazy "god, that sounds tricky, can someone else do it instead?"

Either way, its not on you to "hand hold" them, they need to find their own work-around, or miss out.