Manipulated by women that “can’t”

[Mistressofpemberly]

Professional in my fifties with friends and colleagues of same age.
I’m increasing noticing that I’m expected to fill the gap at work and in friendships by women of my age who have fixed ideas about what they can and can’t do. They are all high flying professionals in responsible roles. They are all single.

The feeling that I’m being imposed on has been creeping up on me. I have had a bit of a light bulb moment and recognised that their behaviour is manipulative and I feel that I am being controlled.
AIBU in this? Is it a ‘thing’. Anyone else seeing the same? Examples following….

@Mistressofpemberly - nope, cannot relate even slightly. Although if people find driving at night difficult, I'd really rather they didn't....

It's well known that people lose their fucks as they get older. 40 is famously the point where many women realise they have been people pleasing all their life and jack it in. The language of "I can't " is clearly factually inaccurate, it would be clearer to say "I don't want to" . But for right or wrong most people shy away from being that direct!

I couldn't be friends with people who can't tell the truth about what they want.

If it's a work context, then you just have to be firm and clear, but have a think about how much drama or effort you're prepared to invest if they do refuse to get a grip... I personally think if they can't be arsed to do their job then I won't do it for them and I definitely will not cover for them either. Let their manager attempt to manage them.

I think that if they can't do these things, they should just stay at home and forgo a social life.

I don't like driving or being in unfamiliar places. However I just get on with it as I don't want to impose.

If they say they can't and you also can't , what happens? Time to call their bluff. Two can play at that game.

Are you talking about learned helplessness?

People can only "manipulate" you if you let them...

So is the question actually "Am I a bit too wet to work with senior professionals?"

Which bit is the manipulation?

This all just sounds like sexist, ageist shite.

Can't relate to any of your examples and I'd be getting irritated too. They sound exhausting tbh.

I agree it sounds like, ‘I don’t want to …. any more.’ I am completely like that these days whereas when I was younger I would have gone with the flow or even put myself out to suit everybody else.

I wonder if people have become more confident in the wrong sort of way.

Happy to assert their own weakness as if it is a part of their identity and it makes them special

A lot of people will say, 'Oh I don't eat blue cheese.' (Random example) And they'd expect that to be accommodated. Or they'd come an moan about how they went to somebody's house and they were made to eat this disgusting blue cheese thing or their host didn't offer them an alternative.

And everybody would sympathise and say how terrible the host was.

Whereas I'd go and think, 'Oh hell, I don't really like blue cheese that much but I am going to get this down, just maybe not eat any seconds and have plenty of bread to mute the taste. And actually maybe this will be a really good type of blue cheese.

If I didn't want to drive somewhere that was unusually tricky, I might take a bus or walk or even get a taxi.

But I'd feel a responsibility not to wimp out if it was good friends.

And I also feel pleased with myself when I've managed to overcome my own reluctance.

I'm in this age group and can't really relate, but I do know a common side effect of menopause is anxiety and a loss of confidence. Could that have anything to do with it?

The only person I know who couldn't get put of bed to get to work before 11am was a male colleague who claimed it was due to ADHD. I don't know anything about ADHD so that might have been a perfectly legitimate medical reason. He often worked late into the night though so I couldn't get too exercised about it.

So YABU to imply that this behaviour is exclusive to women.
Also, as per the PP who said that women often spend their lives people-pleasing, I find it quite encouraging when I encounter women who say "no" to things they don't want to do.
You can also put down boundaries if you want 🤷🏼‍♀️

It does. Frankly, the sex and age group that has most often deployed weaponised incompetence in the academic workplace in my experience has been older, senior men who, strangely, have managed to never figure out how to use Excel, or are just dreadful at dealing with minute-taking at meetings, or find pastoral stuff just too hard.

Oh us old bags hey what are we like! I’m 54 on Friday and can manage everything on that list except mornings (due to LC/CF) but if I have work at 8am I am there!

That would be me. Anaphylactic fragrance allergy. I get the impression OP is talking about workplace situations, where disability accommodations are absolutely necessary.

If point 2 and point 5 are the same person then I'd put money on them being autistic even if they don't know it.

If it's impacting their ability to work effectively then as their manager I'd be following up (no matter their age).

If it's causing irritation in a friendship to the extent their behaviour is consistently pissing you off and youre having to "parent" them then I'd say something and if no improvement I'd drop the rope. I find as I age that I give less f and learned helplessness in an adult is unattractive and manipulative in male or female friends.

"I can't drive to xyz!" Op: "OK, text me when your Uber gets here."

"I can't sit next to so and so." Op: "Ok, there's a steward, call them over to see what they can do."

I would vomit if someone fed me blue cheese (or any cheese) tbh even typing it is making me feel ill

Perfume and the like - also those disgusting comfort or lenor fake scent things make my lips tingle face go numb and induce a crippling migraine. They are the exact opposite of 'fresh' despite advertising claims

I wouldn't put up with either of them, I'm an autistic though and now in chemically induced menopause and give no fucks about other peoples 'feels'

OP: Branch is at 10.30.
"I can't get up that early."
OP: oh ok, we'll meet another time. I'll tell Sharon you send your regards.

I'm really surprised these things are being said by single women in their 50s. I've only ever noticed this from middle-aged women who are married, where there's a strong demarcation of roles. So many of them won't drive on the motorway, won't go anywhere on their own, etc.

As for not getting up until 11 - how much patience are you expected to have with these women?

*brunch

I think it is your peers. That list would neither be normal nor tolerated by many.
Tell them crack on. Firm up YOUR boundaries as to what you are prepared to do. It is fine to say to someone who demands you put yourself out for them, when suggesting you do something together that "its ok, better give it a miss if its too difficult for you". No one can force you into carer mode, screw it.
Be massively less available and less accommodating.

I don't recognise this.

I've never made a fuss about it in a work situation but now I'm in peri the hormonal migranes I thought I had left behind at puberty are back and when I have one perfume makes my head bang and I feel very nauseous. I tend to just remove myself from the situation without a fuss though.

I have never known someone in real life who was so allergic to perfume they couldn’t stand next to them

@Stripeysocks1981 perfume used to set off my mum's asthma. She had COPD, so an asthma attack was a big deal.

I'm 63 and can do the things on the OPs list. But there are a few things which are now outside my comfort zone, so if I don't have to do them I won't.

For instance, I used to love exams. Excellent A levels, a First ... but a couple of years ago doing a refresher C++ course there was an online exam and I found - to my surprise - that the idea filled me with paralysing horror. So, as it wasn't a qualification I needed or which made any difference whatever to my job, I didn't do it.

Another example is that despite having lived for a couple of years in the US and driven on business trips thereafter, I don't think I'd feel confident to hire a car at an airport and drive anywhere nowadays.

So... not sure about the people the OP knows. Probably a mix of factors.