Manipulated by women that “can’t”

[Mistressofpemberly]

Professional in my fifties with friends and colleagues of same age.
I’m increasing noticing that I’m expected to fill the gap at work and in friendships by women of my age who have fixed ideas about what they can and can’t do. They are all high flying professionals in responsible roles. They are all single.

The feeling that I’m being imposed on has been creeping up on me. I have had a bit of a light bulb moment and recognised that their behaviour is manipulative and I feel that I am being controlled.
AIBU in this? Is it a ‘thing’. Anyone else seeing the same? Examples following….

On the contrary, all the women in their 50s I know are extremely capable and the people that actually get shit done.

Definitely a whiff of the “old women are useless” about this.

Yes...don't want to: I wonder if the OP is a man or a woman?

Agree.
In our office if I was forced to generalise in terms of age or sex I think everyone here would agree it’s the under 30s that struggle with making an ‘effort’. However I’d like to think we are just unlucky in that. We don’t do face to face interviews prior to employing in order to avoid all forms of discrimination……maybe we need to review that!

Some of this is learned helplessness and/or increased fear of the world as they've got older - the airport, driving, directions etc. I'm not sympathetic to this at all - you can choose not to do those things, but I'm not going to do it for you without a good reason. eg I have a very good friend with anxiety. She puts a lot of effort into managing it (and I'm aware of those efforts), but there are certain things she just can't do and I would never force her. But she's a good friend, not some random stranger and I know the bigger story/context.

Others are just women deciding what they are or are not willing to do. That's fine... as long as they accept there may be consequences for making these choices.

I have seen people on here talking about being completely unwilling to travel alone in European cities and/or use public transport and I find that sort of helplessness infuriating. I could not be friends with those people because it's such a blanket response with no alternative.

I'd take someone who doubted their own competence to handle a vehicle safely, and so opted out, all day long over the "I'm a good driver, me" unconciously incompetent types who never question their own excellence behind the wheel. Surely better to self exclude from an activity you feel you may not carry out safely than go ahead regardless so not to annoy randoms? Seems to be what everybody moaning about older people being unsafe drivers usually wants them to do!

I still don't really see your point.

If people can't do things, they don't do them. You don't have to step in. If you don't want to give a friend a lift to the airport for a weekend away together, you don't have to go away with them. In the 'can't get to work at a certain time' example, this isn't an issue for you unless you are their boss, in which case you would perfectly within your rights to tell them they don't have a choice unless they can demonstrate that they qualify for reasonable adjustments under the equality act. The perfume example - really not your problem. If they want to change their travel or seating, that's up to them.

And what does it matter whether they're male or female or how old they are?

I would also add that just because someone is professional and well-travelled, that doesn't mean they don't have issues you aren't aware of. I am professional and well-travelled, but I'm also dyspraxic and this means I can't drive and I also can't find my way from A to B unless I have Google Maps, and even then I'd need extra time for when I go wrong. If the A to B is within a building, and therefore not mapped, I'd find it almost impossible unless there were signs or you'd given me a full set of directions. I'm not thick, lazy or weak and I have no interest in manipulating anyone. I'm in my late 40s and I'm very much past the point where I'm prepared to tolerate someone telling me I should be able to do things I literally cannot do simply because I happen to be 'professional and well-travelled'.

If what you're saying is that you think your friends/family are using these examples as excuses not to do things with you, then maybe have a think about why multiple people would want to do that, because you're the common denominator.

I can’t stand women who judge other women for their anxiety.

Knew I’d get this reply. No, that is not the nature of my work, but I don’t want to be outing. I’ve used the word ‘client’ loosely. In my line of work the ‘client’ provides the materials.

Ime lots of women I know in their 50s have become pathetically rigid about what they will and won’t do. They’ve finally reached an age where they’ve got the confidence to say no to bollocks that doesn’t suit them and that’s it. Any tiny thing out of their comfort zone is not entertained. Even if it’s to meet you halfway as a friend.

I would not call it ‘manipulative’ though… so I can’t vote either way!

It's all in the narrative, isn't it? One woman's "pathetically rigid" is another woman's 'good boundaries, high self worth and enough corporate capital to go somewhere more suitable should the need arise'.

😊
Very true.
Me too, or can't be bothered anymore.
It finally dawned on me 3 years ago at 42 yo,
that I simply can't or won't and don't care.
Maybe they are similar.

"Ime lots of women I know in their 50s have become pathetically rigid about what they will and won’t do. They’ve finally reached an age where they’ve got the confidence to say no to bollocks that doesn’t suit them and that’s it. Any tiny thing out of their comfort zone is not entertained. Even if it’s to meet you halfway as a friend. "

Ageist bollocks.

For the most part these sound like a female version of strategic incompetence - a "can't be bothered" rather than "am unable to." But you lost me at "they're all single." Any specific reason you saw fit to stress this fact rather than "they're all blue-eyed?" Is this whole post some roundabout way of slagging off single people, or rather, single women?

No one I know is this much of a wet lettuce. A couple are scared of the Tube but they take Uber and don't make it my problem.

Why does being single have any relevance? Maybe they just can't be arsed with things they don't want to do anymore. You don't have to pick up the slack. If I didn't want to drive to an a somewhere I would get the train there, or just not go.

I am 52 and have travelled solo across the world, including dangerous countries like Thailand, India and Turkey. I continue to do it now. Ageism is apparently the last acceptable bigotry.

Oh sorry @CurlewKate I have mistakenly quoted you. Someone else came up with that ageist crap about older women being anxious.
My young DD refuses to go anywhere by herself so that's so much bollocks.

Yes, I know a few women like this or with similar issues to OP's examples. Generally, I think it's fine... as long as they don't expect me to change things for them and I especially get annoyed when they're melting down because I want to take the tube or where they act all shocked if I am planning to travel alone in a foreign country or whatever.

I am from South Africa. Understandably, people often have some concerns about travelling or visiting. Which I'm totally fine with - ask the questions, do the research, decide what works for you - but it drives me mad when it gets excessive and I'm basically told I'm crazy for taking my children or driving there or whatever.

Again as others have said sounds like “won’t”, rather than can’t mostly. I distance myself from this nonsense so won’t be picking people up (l prefer to walk or get public transport anyway), if they can’t make it to the airport then they can’t go etc. I have never been great fan of woman (or men!) who are so lacking / embrace learned helplessness. Especially if they then think lm picking up their slack personally or professionally. Im not! I have enough of my own plates spinning with toddler twins, full time job, studying, peri-menopause and a recent rheumatoid arthritis diagnosis etc

No perfume is a perfectly reasonable adjustment in a workplace.

It’s not reasonable to expect someone to leave a cafe, shop etc because of their perfume, especially if they were there first.

Sounds a bit like a couple I know. They both refuse to drive and embrace public transport or cycle or ubers. They are never asking for lifts and are very self sufficient

I think this is nonsense. Most women in their 50s are holding down jobs, looking after kids still at home and elderly relatives, running whole households and dealing with the menopause to boot. They are literally holding society together! If they won’t meet you halfway it’s probably because making that compromise would bring the whole house of cards falling down!

Driving on motorways - a confidence issue, which drivers need to tackle.

Driving at night - completely different, particularly as you’re getting older. It’s an eyesight issue.

Anyway OP I agree you should just say no to giving lifts or taking people from A to B. Unless they are visiting or foreigners, for whom I always take trouble.

They're taking the piss.

Do they get performance reviews?

Can you remind them, with a smile, that they're smart, capable women and you know they'll be able to figure out a way to get to work on time/ get from point A to point B/ find their own seating...

Can you pretend you're ever so busy when they need to be minded?