Manipulated by women that “can’t”

[Mistressofpemberly]

Professional in my fifties with friends and colleagues of same age.
I’m increasing noticing that I’m expected to fill the gap at work and in friendships by women of my age who have fixed ideas about what they can and can’t do. They are all high flying professionals in responsible roles. They are all single.

The feeling that I’m being imposed on has been creeping up on me. I have had a bit of a light bulb moment and recognised that their behaviour is manipulative and I feel that I am being controlled.
AIBU in this? Is it a ‘thing’. Anyone else seeing the same? Examples following….

It’s harder to be alone on a remote Scottish island, you can be more anonymous in a big city.

And most people who prefer not to interact don’t advertise that fact or make a fuss about it. They might make excuses for not going to after work drinks, and might use introversion as an excuse because it’s hard to tell people you want nothing to do with them.

They do advertise it on here though. There’s rarely a day that goes by on here without someone banging on about how much they hate people. Invariably followed by the observation that they are an “introvert”. So that’s all OK then.

I quite often cry off work drinks as well for a variety of reasons but I don’t feel the need to rebadge myself as an introvert. Do it or don’t do it, no one really cares. Just stop passing it off as example of how special or deep you are.

I’m an introvert. I always used to go to work social stuff. I like people. I’m not at all shy or quiet.

Hiwever, they exhaust me eventually so l have to retreat and recharge.

They do advertise it on here though. There’s rarely a day that goes by on here without someone banging on about how much they hate people. Invariably followed by the observation that they are an “introvert”. So that’s all OK then

Yeah they definitely do. If someone doesnt show up to works drinks for example, no big deal. I've cried off work events many times because I was too tired, just wanted to go home and chill etc
I've literally never said "I am not coming because I am an introvert" I've just always said "sorry guys, I dont fancy it this evening, I need to rest/ want to see my kids/be at home" etc

But many people do brag about how much they hate people which to me, comes across as dickish.

I think it’s easy to use the anonymity of an internet forum to be able to say how you really feel. This may explain why it’s more commonly expressed online.

You can’t say these things in public / private because people take it personally.

I don’t think anyone takes it personally: how can it be personal if it’s directed at everyone?

I just think it’s self indulgent and “look at me”. And very tedious.

But more materially and coming back to point of the thread, it’s an example of the pathologisation of very normal emotions in an attempt to make people seem more intelligent and interesting than they actually are.

Calling yourself “introverted” makes it sound vaguely like it has a neurological justification and that it points to hidden depths and a sense that the person thinks and feels deeply. When usually it’s prosaic as hell: people are boring and self-absorbed and can’t be bothered to snap out of their navel gazing.

I get you OP, it's an issue at home right now and it also has been an issue at work. People asking for help with things they could actually do on their own if they just gave it a go, but I find it's easier for them just to ask someone else instead and then look utterly panicked if the answer is no!

I've heard all sorts of excuses:

• I'm rubbish at this
• You're better at it than me
• You're good at stuff like this
• It takes me ages, you're so much faster

The list goes on. I used to do it then realised what a mug I was, they can do it but would just rather not as it takes a bit of time and effort. So I stopped unless they were genuinely stuck. My philosophy being, that you'll never get better, faster etc unless you keep trying and that will never happen if someone is always doing it for you.

These people need to grow up, and develop some gumption!

I will never eat something that I find disgusting.

The only one of that list is the motorway. I avoid it, if I can and will do a 30 minutes detour to avoid it. The reason, the amount of accidents ppl I know have had. When it goes wrong, it can go badly wrong. As a young driver, I wasn’t afraid of the motorway because I hadn’t heard of the bad and fatal experiences yet.

If someone was offered a million pounds to do those things in the list or their dream job interview, they would find a way if doing it.
They just won’t bust a gut for a meh friendship.

I think the “pick me/not like other girls” thing is far more an attitude associated with the people saying “can’t”. “I’m so special, so sensitive, etc., that I just can’t.” It’s all very “look at me”. There’s nothing “not like other girls” about getting on with things. It’s what most women actually do.

I do get the point about possibly being more critical of women than men and stereotyping but in general on here I think criticism falls pretty harshly on men who don’t pull their weight, so difficult to know if it’s unequal in this instance. I think it’s also possible for women to internalize that misogyny as a pressure to be passive and think they can’t or shouldn’t do things.

I don’t want to be a woman who ‘can’t’ but strong perfumes trigger full on migraines. I would be trying to keep my distance too.

It depends. I have 2 women like this at my workplace. One worse than the other. It's still weaponized incompetence, even if it's not in a relationship, but at a job. My response to "I can't do this." Is "It's ok, you'll learn. I didn't know how to in the beginning, either." What I no longer do is do it for them. I will not be doing other people's job, because it doesn't pay me more and they have a better salary.

@chaosmaker

Yea this only started recently for me. I feel like I can't see well enough especially when those blinding headlights come towards me

I couldn’t drive at night until the optician suggested an anti glare coating on my specs!

Yes, I sort of know what you mean. I remember a thread from a while back where someone said she knew some women in Essex who were aghast that they were expected to get the Tube into London. I can understand finding the Tube a bit daunting if you are 12 but a sensible adult should be able to use it without making a massive fuss. It isn't full of goblins.

Not liking a smell is different to getting allergic symptoms from any airborne allergy - which are very real, hives, itching, wheezing, throat closing etc.

But that’s the point of the thread I suspect - that some people are colonising very real issues such as an airborne allergy or panic attacks, as a convenient cloak for having the best seat / not being the one to drive / being picked up rather than having to make their own way somewhere , etc etc

I work with someone who is a variant on this. I'll call her Carol. We job share, but I work more days than her, although she's been doing it a lot longer than me. Our job sometimes involves learning new procedures and routines, but Carol seems to have evaded learning most of them and just leaves those particular jobs to be done on my days. My boss is aware of this and is not happy. She's planning to schedule some compulsory training and shift-swap experiences for Carol so she has no excuse for not knowing these things. I wonder if that might be the solution in some other cases where it's work-related stuff the people are claiming not to know.

OP I totally get this. I now call these people ‘one way streets’.
They only appear to be in your life for the service you provide. When the shoe is on the other foot they disappear.
I can give you more examples than the word count would permit. I must have a special sign which only these people can see.
Although I try to help the people who genuinely need it, I now distance myself from those who abuse my kindness and mistake it for weakness.

I still have not seen an explanation from the OP about why it was necessary to say they are single? Is the implication that single women are more selfish? That is not my experience at all - the people I see do this are married.

Has anyone actually read the posters responses to think this might be a wind up or at very least a go at a boss. Clearly a PA who has had enough and just wants to vent.

oh I have...certain perfumes triggered their asthma......but allergy is not what the OP posted.

there was a thing about this on the TV recently. Apparently its to do with the new LED headlights. https://www.whatcar.com/news/government-to-investigate-headlight-glare/n26693#

Kind of wonder if single is a factor, in that you often have to watch your back a lot more if you're out and about as a single woman?

So that's where the anxiety can come from.

I'm contentedly solo overall life good, but have had episodes of anxiety due to general aggressive behaviour.

In the last year I've had:

• Aggressive screaming taxi driver which was scary as obviously felt very vulnerable.

• Guys doing random things just to "dominate" me as a solo woman. Or sort of physically getting into my space, then telling me to make way.

• This often isn't some stereotypical drunk street lout type (not that thats an excuse) but simply people who see a solo woman and want to cause hassle.

• Numerous microaggressions or aggressive customer service or security guards.

• It can easily feel like nowhere is a safe space.

I don't drive, but assume there's extra dick behaviour some people direct towards women drivers.

It's good to be assertive and thick-skinned, but there clearly is a limit at which you just need to have a breather as a human being.

I come across as confident and high-achieving and life is fine, but that's not mutually exclusive with anxiety.

I commute when I have and make the most of it, but I'm minimising things where I feel there might be hassle.

These incidents do add up and at present, I'm going to be more and more solitary and just do online shopping.

Obviously it's not anyone's job to solve my problems

but if a relative complains I won't do the same complicated journey I was making 2 years ago, they have to accept it I guess.

I took it to be surprise. If you are married you can have a separate list of jobs. I empty the bins, my husband puts down ant powder. If I were single and wanted ant powder to be put down, I would have to deal with this myself.

Oh, that is a possibility, I had not read it that way. Good point.