Manipulated by women that “can’t”

[Mistressofpemberly]

Professional in my fifties with friends and colleagues of same age.
I’m increasing noticing that I’m expected to fill the gap at work and in friendships by women of my age who have fixed ideas about what they can and can’t do. They are all high flying professionals in responsible roles. They are all single.

The feeling that I’m being imposed on has been creeping up on me. I have had a bit of a light bulb moment and recognised that their behaviour is manipulative and I feel that I am being controlled.
AIBU in this? Is it a ‘thing’. Anyone else seeing the same? Examples following….

Some of this is learned helplessness and/or increased fear of the world as they've got older - the airport, driving, directions etc

70+ seen some of this in my family - worst post covid when they stopped doing a lot- though often what's needed is some confidence boosting ie small steps or just talking though and making clear yes they can and will.

If it's 50 women could be perimenopauses anxiety based - but most women I know seek help like HRT or try and hide problems and worry in silence working out solutions - so power through rather than make it someone else's issue.

Oh YYY to this!!!!!

I'll add expecting women in the office to clean up spilled coffee, etc, even if they're equal in seniority, and thinking they could get out of overtime for an important project "because I type too slowly".

In fact, in this particular case (the slow typing), why do you have the job you have if your typing isn't good? Did you think someone else would be doing your typing for you? Most women wouldn't even apply for the job this particular pole up the ass specimen had if their typing wasn't up to scratch.

There's a fine line between chutzpah and taking the piss.

I think I understand what you are getting at OP...

But really, as a more capable person, you are the one with the advantage.

Knowing how to do things/ being capable of doing things is a privilege that you have, and makes your life easier.

I would rather be in your position, than the position of the women having to ask for help.

WTAF? Do you work with a bunch of petulant 5 year olds?!

I know lots like this, it gets on my tits it really does. I'm 62 and would never admit I can't do something simple and straightforward as a matter of principle.
My sibling has never driven on a motorway because she is scared to, so it's always me driving the 5 hours to see her. It's quite ridiculous. I've told her to get a driving instructor to give her a few motorway driving lessons but she won't.
It's even more embarrassing when people like this at work go and ask male staff to help them because they can't operate something or don't know how to book train travel in advance.

At the end of the day though, their lives are limited by this, and yours isn't.

It might annoy you... but they are worse off really.

Be glad that you can do these things and you have a richer life because of it.

It's well known that people lose their fucks as they get older. 40 is famously the point where many women realise they have been people pleasing all their life and jack it in. The language of "I can't " is clearly factually inaccurate, it would be clearer to say "I don't want to" . But for right or wrong most people shy away from being that direct!

Yep, I've become very good at saying no since hitting 50. I'm also single and have been for a long time and I anm so fucking exhausted at always having to deal with everything on my own and not having anyone to support me, or even just make life a little easier by taking some of the mental load.

However, I cope because I don't have anyone to help me. I find that it's the women who have been in relationships for a long time who "can't" do things.

So you mean you are being ‘expected’ to do things because they ‘can’t’? That’s easy, just don’t! These things are their problem, don’t let them make them yours, they aren’t.

I have to agree with this. In my experience it’s my married friends who have become less competent at matters such as driving new places and managing their finances. Not to say my experience is universal of course

In most situations you could reply "I can't either" - unless it is a genuine anxiety thing or other reason and you want to help.

I remember once I said to a colleague that I couldn't find the telephone number for Toni and Guy and she came and found it for me and said she didn't understand how a successful professional who was right there with her job (her words not mine) could be so useless at other things. She was right about some things, I was useless at them, but that particular thing, I didn't mean I couldn't, I meant I didn't have time at that moment and probably wouldn't have time for the rest of the day and/or I had no headspace because I was so mown down by work. I remember looking at her vaguely listening as she found the number for me, mostly concentrating on what I was doing. Your colleagues might be "can't right now" people, or "don't want to right now" people or completely snowed under people? I don't think their rules for their lives should bother you at all, but at the same time I don't think you should feel you have to help them, or at least, not unless they really need it. Boundaries and strategies.

As I get older I tend to put my foot down at doing things I know are not for me, so for instance DH would like me to drive the motorhome he wanted us to get and I didn't, as that would make his life easier, but I would absolutely hate it so I don't.

I've also stopped pandering to other people. So for our group holiday one person seems vaguely startled by the 21st century so doesn't like booking flights online. I just keep very silent and if someone else wants to do her admin for her, well good for them.

In the examples you gave OP, I'd just be taking a step back and saying oh that's a shame, well I hope you come up with a solution.

I knew a woman whose husband used to fill up her car with petrol for her because she couldn't manage it and he did absolutely everything for her, driving, home admin, all of the arrangements for everything. She never worked.
He went on a walking holiday and had a heart attack and died.
6 months later unable to manage life at all she jumped off a cliff to her death.
It was a devastating waste of a life. I can't help thinking if she's taken control of her life she'd be alive still living a good life.

Most (if not all) of the high flying, professional women I know are confident to say what they don't want to put up with in life. They don't say they can't do x, y or z, they might way they don't want to and therefore won't. Don't be manipulated OP by friends or colleagues

Answer is 'I can't parent you' @Mistressofpemberly Or just no, won't help with this or you'll never be able to do it all by yourself.

I think there are two things at play -

1. Some people's menopause is tougher than others.

1. At our age we know yourselves better than we did when we were younger and we have a better idea of what we will and won't put up with. Some of those can'ts are actually won'ts. Its not necessarily a bad thing. Maybe you should try it too.

Just use the mumsnet classic-‘That doesn’t work for me’ or better yet, a simple ‘No, you’ll be fine’. Why do you pander to them being pathetic?

I do know a couple of capable, wealthy, well-qualified women who are expert at delegating - but to friends outside of work as well as staff inside of work.

you gradually realize that you are doing all the driving, all of the restaurant booking, all the rearranging of restaurant bookings (when one of them decides to bring a friend, or to fit in something else beforehand), all the choosing and sourcing of joint birthday gifts. Eventually, you get other friends

Why did you put this song in my head!

Difference could be that the women who have had kids and husbands have been successfully socially ground down over decades by having to keep everyone but themselves happy, that even when the oestrogen seeps away, they are maybe a bit milder in being able to put themselves first and put boundaries in place, or just not doing stuff they don't want to do. The single women were maybe less constrained by this all along and maybe their egos were healthier to begin with, so they would likely be even more 'screw you' when they reach the menopause. However I agree with other posters who say it's sexist bilge, because think of all those ageing male bosses who 'can't' do lots of basic things simply because they don't want to, or have tantrums and everyone tiptoes around their preferences. I have noticed the syndrome of the truly evil female boss, but I think it comes from just having to be more evil to get to the top if you're female.

The strong perfume one - has the person complaining got lung issues?

Ive got lung disease and this would make me feel unwell

@Mistressofpemberly SORRy but I am 69 and I still do all of those things!! I would not pander to that shit for anybody!! also can make long drives down to england overnight alone!!

I'm 55. Recently retired, but had women of my age and older, who played the "old" card, and simply refused to engage with technology, if they could. I also have friends won't drive on motorways/busy roads.

Same here, no way would I eat something I didn't like. I wouldn't complain but don't expect me to eat it!