Manipulated by women that “can’t”

[Mistressofpemberly]

Professional in my fifties with friends and colleagues of same age.
I’m increasing noticing that I’m expected to fill the gap at work and in friendships by women of my age who have fixed ideas about what they can and can’t do. They are all high flying professionals in responsible roles. They are all single.

The feeling that I’m being imposed on has been creeping up on me. I have had a bit of a light bulb moment and recognised that their behaviour is manipulative and I feel that I am being controlled.
AIBU in this? Is it a ‘thing’. Anyone else seeing the same? Examples following….

This is interesting as a I have a friend in her 40’s who says she can’t do many of these things too. I feel like she wants to be babied and I find it very frustrating.

Pull the other one! Ffs

Yeah I saw a thread on here earlier where they were saying "can't get on a plane" or something.

I often wonder how mumsnetters get on in real life, with their “perfume disabilities” etc and then I remember they don’t, they sit at their keyboard all day moaning on here.

There could be so many reasons all this stuff happens; it's all out of context. I start work at 10 as I am a carer, if I have to go in early it's difficult. I also have a health condition so can't walk far and constantly need the loo. I work with mostly women my age (60s) and we look after each other; where possible we don't make it tricky to get anywhere, we pick each other up, we try to minimise travel (and we all need the loo!).

Oh and we get called into important meetings too OP ... (just saying)

I really don’t understand the problem. You are not forced to solve these women’s issues. Just decline to ‘fix’ things for them, let them fend for themselves, and carry on doing what you want to do. 🤷‍♀️

Just say no! I hate women like this, plenty of us have worked for years to prove that we are actually just as competent and capable as men, sometimes more so! The “oh look I’m so cute and female and helpless” brigade do my head in - get some motorway driving lessons, use google maps, do a tutorial or an evening course on the new technology, pull it together and learn it if you can’t do it! Because it’s not Cinderella and no one is coming along to save you. That’s exactly what I’d tell a mate or colleague who was behaving like that!

Most of your examples, getting from one place to another, navigation, travel etc could be down to confidence. It's also about people not used to stepping out of their comfort zone. I drive all over the place and travel quite a bit so have no anxiety around it. My dm stays within 3 miles of her home for most of the time so a trip to an airport or somewhere new seems insurmountable to her because she stopped stepping out of her comfort zone. You could be holding down a high level job but be quite within your safe zone.

The last one might actually be someone who has much more sensitive smell than you....as a child certain smells would make me wretch, its got better as I've got older but certain perfumes still make me feel really queasy.

Wow! Sorry I posted and kept getting pulled away. Did not expect so many posts before I had even put the examples.

I've read all the replies thanks and will endeavour to reply.

answers to some repeated questions / comments:

1. I am at an equivalent seniority - not their PA or their line manager.

1. sexist / ageist - I am neither as I am female and of the same age. It just suddenly occurred to me that they all do the same thing and are in the same categories as me…

1. yes I agree men not pulling their weight is definitely a thing but they just appear to not give a shit and no explanation. They just don’t do it - rather than saying they “can’t”

1. ref: saying they “can’t” obviously I meant “won’t”

1. agree the obvious solution is to have my own line in the sand to minimise the impact on me.
2. the later-to-work brigade is not a dig because I don’t like flexible working. We aren’t allowed to have official flexible working sadly. Everyone wants flexibility but the point is that they are totally inflexible - and it’s not their fault - they “can’t”!

I only hear about these sorts of things on Mumsnet. Everyone I know just gets on with stuff.

I have a friend who doesn’t drive, she passed her test but immediately moved to London, hasn’t driven in the last 40 years and now doesn’t want to get behind a wheel. But she never asks anyone to go out of their way for her. She gets the bus or organizes a cab.

I have another friend who would like to have issues like this - she really doesn’t like driving, she doesn’t like getting up early, she’s super picky about what work she wants to do - but she has far too many responsibilities and too little money to actually indulge them so she just sucks it up and gets on with it (she does indulge her son, though, and that’s not turning out too well).

certainly one of them cites anxiety as a reason. I have great sympathy with this as also have anxiety but however bad I feel I get on and do things and don’t force others to adapt around me.

It's not a thing that I have ever experienced or heard anyone else complain about. It seems like it might be a culture that is specific to your workplace.

None of these behaviours requires you to do anything about them though, no need to volunteer to pick people up or whatever. If asked, just say no.

I agree. I wasn’t looking for solutions. I just wondered if this is a ‘thing’ as I’ve noticed it so much. But clearly I have odd associates.
My workPlace will not manage such people so I try to keep my head down and do what I can to make life bearable for the rest of us….

I totally agree. Thank you.

The irony of the OP returning to fill in the gaps from her opening post 😁

How many single female 50s colleagues do you actually have who do this OP? Because most people wouldn't have more than a handful of colleagues who are in this exact demographic, let alone enough who do these odd things so frequently you've come to wonder if it's character trait of single 50s women.

48 here and my eyes are deteriorating without a doubt. I’ve needed driving glasses since about 43 but now see halos round lights at night which i understand is the start of cataracts…so, yeah I’d rather not drive at night. Don’t mind the motorway though!

I used to work with someone who went into anaphylaxis triggered by other people's perfumes. Signs all over asking people not to put any on. Emails 3 or 4 times a year from a senior manager because those from admin got ignored. She still has to use her epi pen a few times that I'm aware of. Her manager would send her home as the work environment had triggered it so we lost our most competent person in her role. Luckily modern medicine meant it was unpleasant and dangerous for her, not fatal.
I think it must be very rare but it was definitely real.

Just looking at Paula Vennells starting the tears when the nasty barrister is trying to get her to answer questions about how all the nasty subpostmasters were complaining about being jailed unless they took out loans to prop up her failing business.

Queen of the Crybullies!

A lot of people shouldn’t be driving at night as they get older, their ophthalmologists advise them against it.

I don't entirely agree-you need fast reactions as well as confidence for motorway driving. I never enjoyed it and I've stopped doing it. Severe lack of confidence and hesitant driving can make you dangerous.
I don't beg for lifts though, I use public transport..
I don't have any other things I "can't" do but I guess other people have different anxieties.

@Ponderingwindow

What should really happen is that the antisocial person who is imposing their perfume on people should be asked to leave. Fragrance allergies and intolerances are medical issues and in some cases are disabilities.

WTAF have I just read?! 😆

Yes, a colleague of mine’s throat would close up if someone wore perfume in the car share. This is definitely a thing. It does exacerbate my asthma but it’s not as serious as some allergies.

Maybe the female version of weaponised incompetence that overtime becomes a self fulfilling prophecy - if people do stuff for you all the time you don’t learn new skills and become unable to do things for yourself. Also a syndrome of being a “very important person” who can’t possibly manage the trivial day to day things.

I had a friend in my early 20’s like that - we went on a few foreign holidays together and it was exhausting- I had to arrange everything and do everything for her. She had always played up being a “helpless female” with guys and had them running errands for her and I think started to expect it from everyone and also made herself helpless by never learning to do things as a result. I made myself unavailable and no longer see her.

I was in one job where my work dealt with a lot of very middle class ladies - most of whom had rich partners, did not work conventional jobs (specific artistic industry) and had a lot of free time. The nature of their jobs meant that their diaries, travel and admin were done by other people but they then expected it from people who did not work with them (think offering to volunteer on a project and then asking people to manage their diaries, emails etc so taking up more time than doing the task without them). The helpless ladies in the group were highly intelligent and capable at many things but seemed to need a lot of help with simple tasks that they hadn’t had to do in a long time.

My mum has a incapable capable friend too - she is very well off and an “important” person in a very high powered job with lots of people doing stuff like managing her work diary, work travel etc… she flies internationally for work but my mum has to drive to collect her if she is visiting as she doesn’t drive and is anxious about taking a bus (less than an hour away). My mum is avoiding going on holidays with her as she has to organise everything (but while being given very strict criteria) and having to drive her friend everywhere. She is a lovely generous woman but god help us all when she retires and loses her PAs.

As someone pointed out it’s not just women who are like this, it’s a lot more common in men. I know quite a few men incapable of basic every day tasks whose partners end up having to organise everything - I would include my own partner in that!

I love this. I will certainly use this.