Would you be mad if your child eloped?

[Whattodoab]

DP and I have just gotten engaged. We both want to elope abroad next year. The plan is to go to chosen country for ten days and get married on the third (ish) day and then use the rest of the time as the honeymoon. It’s something we’ve spoken about for ages even before engagement so we know we just want it to be the two of us and we have our hearts set on this.

The issue is DP wants to do a traditional elopement. He wants to go abroad and get married and not tell anyone until we’re back. On the other hand I think we should tell our parents because they will be deeply upset if we don’t even brief them on what we’re doing, I’ve said we can leave it as a surprise for everyone else. We both come from absolutely huge families so there will still be an element of surprise. DP said they’ll get over it and we’ll just have a party at some point when we get back to celebrate. I said that isn’t the same and there’s the potential for a lot of heartbreak.

I’ve told my family and friends for years I don’t want a wedding but now the engagement has happened the questions are already starting.

Just asking for opinions about what you would do if your child eloped? Would you be utterly heartbroken? We have our hearts set on this, I’m just wondering the best way to do it.

YABU- just elope
YANBU- get married alone but tell your parents first

Yes I'd be upset. At least tell them first, I don't see why you wouldn't.

I think any parent who is "utterly heartbroken" that their adult offspring elopes wants to get a fucking grip.

Just do it

My mum was furious.

I personally wouldn’t care but it would cut some people deeply. I think it warrants a conversation with your parents really.

I’d respect their decision but be quietly upset.

Never mind everyone else, do what YOU want to do. If you don’t you’ll regret it. I speak from bitter experience

My DD did it. I was absolutely delighted for them.

This. Your wedding (or lack of) is ultimately nobody else’s business, and any normal person would be happy for you that you’d done it exactly as you wanted.

We did exactly this, in Italy. We told immediate family but no one else and we got a lot of grief from them so I dread to think what the pressure would have been like if more people had known!

Yes I'd be heartbroken even if people feel I need to get a grip. I'd feel very hurt as a mother and it would make me think our relationship wasn't as good as I'd thought.

What are your reasons for wanting to elope? The most important people are the bride and groom, but weddings are generally and traditionally a family celebration.

I think if you want something small then a registry office, with a small group then a party after might be a compromise.

Anyone who is ‘cross’ about the way you choose to marry, isn’t genuinely happy for you.

If they really just want you to be happy they won’t care and will be glad you’ve done it in a way that was meaningful to you

As a parent, I’d 100% respect their decision and be happy they weren’t pleasing others but I’d like to know before others that they were getting married. And be able to send my wishes and see photos on their wedding day before anyone else..

As long as I knew and liked the partner, I wouldn't have a problem. I would just want them to be happy.

So long as they're happy it's fine with me.

I mean I wouldn't be bothered but that's irrelevant, to some people family weddings are a huge deal and they may have stronger feelings about it.

If you tell your parents ahead of time, what are the chances that they will....

1. object so strongly that you don't do it, or make it miserable, or
2. come with you?

No, I wouldn’t be mad but we’re not very traditional and chose not to marry.

If you’re close to your parents and they would be upset, then I would tell them in your position. Why risk them being upset just for the shock value when you tell them afterwards? It seems a bit attention seeking to me. It’s fine if you have the sort of family that would love that sort of surprise, but it doesn’t sound like yours will. You still get to do it alone so I see no point in not telling them.

The whole point of eloping is that nobody knows!

If you tell people it will snowball.........

I eloped and it was absolutely amazing.

Told everyone including parents afterwards. Both sets of parents completely fine about it, in fact my dad said "I always thought you'd do something like this.." they knew I would never want a fuss and would want to do something private.

I wouldn't be at all upset if my DD did the same. I'd be delighted to at she was happy and making her own choices.

As a parent whose daughter is planning her wedding, I’d be THRILLED if they decided to elope. Weddings seem to have got completely out of hand these days….

We did it, but my DM had already had my older sisters wedding to be involved in / go to so I didn't feel bad - my Dad thought we were amazing as he didn't have to contribute to another wedding, although he did give us what I assume was an equivalent amount towards a deposit on our first house. But as OP I had always said I didn't want a big wedding, so it was quite 'us' to do it.

I would love it. I have no desire to do the whole mob/mog thing.

But I suspect I'm in the minority.

I'd be a bit disappointed but not 'mad' as it's up to them.

Do you already live together? If so, I'd be less disappointed in that situation as I'd see it as more of an eventuality/legal thing.

My mum was relieved and delighted but they had a small wedding and absolutely despised big weddings. You know your mum best!

I wouldn't be at all surprised if one of my DDs did this. But although I'd be a bit disappointed, I'd absolutely recognise that it would be the right thing for her and her partner.

But I don't think that can be assumed of every parent. My DD and her partner find big social things stressful, and don't enjoy being the centre of attention. They're both lovely people and I know that they would not choose elopement lightly, or upset anyone. But if they turned up one day and said they'd got married, 95% of me would be delighted for them.

I've had the mother of the bride experience with my other daughter, so I wouldn't be missing out!