Would you be mad if your child eloped?

[Whattodoab]

DP and I have just gotten engaged. We both want to elope abroad next year. The plan is to go to chosen country for ten days and get married on the third (ish) day and then use the rest of the time as the honeymoon. It’s something we’ve spoken about for ages even before engagement so we know we just want it to be the two of us and we have our hearts set on this.

The issue is DP wants to do a traditional elopement. He wants to go abroad and get married and not tell anyone until we’re back. On the other hand I think we should tell our parents because they will be deeply upset if we don’t even brief them on what we’re doing, I’ve said we can leave it as a surprise for everyone else. We both come from absolutely huge families so there will still be an element of surprise. DP said they’ll get over it and we’ll just have a party at some point when we get back to celebrate. I said that isn’t the same and there’s the potential for a lot of heartbreak.

I’ve told my family and friends for years I don’t want a wedding but now the engagement has happened the questions are already starting.

Just asking for opinions about what you would do if your child eloped? Would you be utterly heartbroken? We have our hearts set on this, I’m just wondering the best way to do it.

YABU- just elope
YANBU- get married alone but tell your parents first

My daughter eloped to Gretna Green when she was 35. They already had kids & lived together. They weren't supposed to tell anyone till afterwards. But she was never good at keeping a secret. She asked me to give her a lift one day & wouldn't say where - it was for her final dress fitting. That was the first I knew. With my other daughter I'd been involved in lots of the planning.
I was sad not to see them actually get married but I was sent videos & lots of pics. And they did have a big party a few weeks later, where she wore her wedding dress again.
When my DH & I married 2 years ago our first plan was just to go & get married, then tell everyone. But my youngest DD, who was 13, started talking about our wedding & how she was excited for it, so we changed that plan.

Just do it. If you tell them before, you could still get complaints/grief/attempts to change your mind. And that could cast a cloud over your wedding. At least if nobody knows until you're back, it will be too late for them to spoil the wedding.

You know your own parents, and you have already said they would be 'deeply upset'. What anyone else says on here is irrelevant. If you know your parents will be upset, and you don't want to be responsible for upsetting them, then tell them first. I would be really upset if my children excluded me from a major milestone in their lives, and whilst I'd hide my feelings, I would always think that maybe we weren't as close as I thought we were.

I’d only be heartbroken if I knew it wasn’t what she wanted.

My sister eloped under massive pressure from her husband, but she desperately wanted our Nana (who brought us up) there. My Nana was heartbroken because she knew it wasn’t what my sister wanted.

I wouldn’t be remotely surprised if one of my DDs elopes. She hates fuss, hates any attention and her partner is the same.

For my DCs and marriage, my only thoughts are that they have chosen a lovely spouse, I don't mind at all about their choice of wedding ceremony.

If they eloped and told me afterwards. I'd offer to arrange a meal or party for family and friends, if they'd like that.

I wouldn’t be upset at all. I’d be happy, they’re being sensible and saving their money for a house or whatever they felt most important. Weddings are about two people getting married and not about every family and friend thinking they get a say.

We got married just the two of us, we told people a few weeks before we went (they knew we were going on holiday). Our family and friends were over the moon for us. But then they all love us and we love them so why wouldn’t they be happy for us.

If your parents want a wedding, they should have a vow renewal for themselves and leave you be!!

We didn't tell anyone we'd got married for years afterwards. No one was bothered. Though, to be honest, I wouldn't have done anything differently even if I'd thought they would be. My own desire for a fuss-free wedding with two witnesses is my priority over anyone else's desire to be present in a fascinator because they think it's important. I wouldn't have the slightest patience with 'heartbreak' over a child marrying without parents present.

My mum's friend got married in secret (in her 70s!) a few years ago and didn't tell anyone until very recently, after her husband died. When my mum was telling me about it, she said 'I think it was lovely for them. They just went away for the weekend and got married without telling anyone, because they didn't want a fuss - I expect that's what you'll do one day too.'

So yeah, she definitely doesn't mind if DP and I 'elope'. Not that we have any plans to get married - we've been together 21 years without feeling the need to.

DP's mum would definitely be upset though. She wouldn't make a drama of it and probably wouldn't tell us she was upset - she's way too nice for that - but I know she would secretly be hurt.

Do all these people saying they’d feel like their kids must not like them/value the relationship if they eloped, or they can’t understand them not wanting to share such an important occasion with family, not understand that

a) not everyone thinks getting married is the most important thing they’ll ever do

b) your own opinions on the importance of marriage/sharing the occasion are irrelevant and
c) the choice to elope is not a reflection of how they feel about their family?

No, not at all.

We eloped though, so I would say that! 😃

Also no, my opinion is you absolutely don't tell people first. That actually is hurtful, I think, and quite inconsiderate. And also opens the door for a whole lot of ridiculous drama, which is often the reason why people want to elope in the first place - to avoid a lot of fuss.

(Plus it's not actually an elopement if people know about it...)

No, they want to elope.
Their wedding, their choice.
While I can emphasise with your feelings, this is one of very few times in life where people get to do what they want, hopefully.

This

I’d be pissed off and upset.

A quiet wedding with no guests is one thing. Planning a wedding for a year and keeping it secret is another. Getting engaged and telling people, then lying about your wedding plans (which will be inevitable if you speak for than half a dozen times in the next year) and lying about your holiday - “any plans when you are away?” - “no, not really, just relaxing and a bit of site seeing” - is the bit that would upset me. I’m not fussed about being at anyone’s wedding, they can do what they like, but I am fussed about being deliberately kept in the dark either like I’m so insignificant I’m not worth telling or I’m so awful and overbearing I would have spoilt it for you. Tbh I don’t think I’d be bothered about an actual elopement, in fact I know I wouldn’t be, but telling me your getting married, planning it for a fucking year and lying to me when I ask - I’m not ok with that.

My kids have had different types of weddings. The small ones were nicest to be fair.

I think not knowing might hurt a bit, but I wouldn’t have an issue at not being there if that’s how they’d like it.

I would be a bit upset. Though the shoe is on the other foot this year and dd said she would have been really unhappy if I had chosen to elope for my wedding this year, as it is we are having a fairly low key wedding in the U.K. costing around £5k it seems all in.

We eloped and didn’t tell anyone. I knew my mother would be livid and try and talk me out of it. So we didn’t tell a soul. I don’t regret it for a second. We had the wedding WE wanted. They got over it when we told them after the fact.
If I were you I wouldn’t tell them, just go and do it. They’ll only spoil it for you by being upset or angry

This

For some people it's the marriage that is the most important thing and the wedding itself is just the means to do that.

I think it's beautiful when people have the day just to themselves without all the fuss. Heck of a lot cheaper and a lot less stressful. I'm really surprised that some parents would read so much into it.

Equally, though why is your partners desire for full elopement more important than your feelings?

Yes this.

I'd be proud of them for doing what they want and not succumbing to the pressures of having the massive, expensive day. It's their choice.

But I would be sad to not see them get married. But would keep it to myself.

You know your parents best, and much more than your partner. If your gut is telling you to tell them before you go, then I think you should. He can decide for his parents himself.

My personal opinion would be that I would be upset. I would feel as if they didn't trust me enough to be part of that part of their life. However I am old and realise that for many younger people now it is " all about them" and to hell with anyone else.

I'd be upset at first BUT I would understand.

If you aren't telling them at all it might be lovely to video call them straight after ??

My husband and I are from different countries and we got married in denmark. My family could have possibly afforded to come at a stretch but his family definitely couldn't have. The flights are much more expensive from where they are. We decided to get married as just the two of us because we didn't feel it would be fair to have only one side of our families there.

Neither of our families were upset and they were very happy for us! We did hire a professional photographer though, which I would definitely recommend so family can see and you can have the memories saved.

I am not married or bothered about being married so I wouldn't mind. I think it probably would be nice to know especially if there was something sentimental they would like to pass along (I don't have heirloom rings or anything but maybe others would) and to think of you on the day and maybe offer something like paying for something to support the day.

I would be bloody delighted, but I rather enjoy people doing slightly outré things. (And, indeed, doing them myself.)