Would you be mad if your child eloped?

[Whattodoab]

DP and I have just gotten engaged. We both want to elope abroad next year. The plan is to go to chosen country for ten days and get married on the third (ish) day and then use the rest of the time as the honeymoon. It’s something we’ve spoken about for ages even before engagement so we know we just want it to be the two of us and we have our hearts set on this.

The issue is DP wants to do a traditional elopement. He wants to go abroad and get married and not tell anyone until we’re back. On the other hand I think we should tell our parents because they will be deeply upset if we don’t even brief them on what we’re doing, I’ve said we can leave it as a surprise for everyone else. We both come from absolutely huge families so there will still be an element of surprise. DP said they’ll get over it and we’ll just have a party at some point when we get back to celebrate. I said that isn’t the same and there’s the potential for a lot of heartbreak.

I’ve told my family and friends for years I don’t want a wedding but now the engagement has happened the questions are already starting.

Just asking for opinions about what you would do if your child eloped? Would you be utterly heartbroken? We have our hearts set on this, I’m just wondering the best way to do it.

YABU- just elope
YANBU- get married alone but tell your parents first

I would respect it, but would want to know before they went and where they were going

I'm old too, and I don't see younger people that way at all. It sounds as though you're the one making it all about yourself.

We have several days notice of our child getting married abroad, we were shocked but understood as an adult ultimately it was their choice. Instead we took them out for a lovely meal when they got back. Asa parent I think you have to take the view that as long as they are happy that is the main thing

This is very observant. And he has already said they will have a party when they get back, so it is not as if he is the shy retiring type.

It sounds as though the OP knows her parents will be upset:

On the other hand I think we should tell our parents because they will be deeply upset if we don’t even brief them on what we’re doing,

and

there’s the potential for a lot of heartbreak.

so whether or not the cool people on here say they wouldn't give a fig if their DC did this is irrelevant. The OP knows her parents would be hurt. In this case the partners casual attitude to other peoples feelings:

DP said they’ll get over it

sounds a bit worryingly selfish to me.

OP, if you really do think your parents would be genuinely upset about this I think you have to do what you feel is right. If you don't it could potentially spoil your enjoyment of it with guilty feelings.

FWIW I would be very upset if my DD did this. A very small affair without much fuss I could live with. But being kept in the dark completely would hurt.

I think it's funny that people don't see the irony of trying to make the couple's personal vows all about them. It's not going to be your marriage. You can appreciate it when people choose to include you on the day, but demanding that you be included and making out that it's selfish if the couple decides to do something else is...well...making it all about you.

Exactly. She wants to tell them. So she should.

I’d have mixed feelings, I’d be pleased they had done what they wanted and not spent a fortune on it, but I’d be sad to have missed such an important milestone in their lives, and honestly a bit hurt that they didn’t want to share it.

I’d probably be more hurt if I found out after then before.

Having said that I’d plaster a smile on, congratulate them and offer to throw them a party.

No. I wouldn't be angry. My adult children are free to plan the wedding they want, including two witnesses off the street if they prefer. I don't see my kids' possible weddings as opportunities for myself to swan around or show off. My life is more interesting than that, I like to think.

I'd have eloped but DH didn't want to so we had a small wedding instead. If any of my DC eloped I'd be happy they did what they made them happy. I'd be heartbroken if I thought they'd feel the pressure to have a wedding they didn't want, and spend money on something they didn't want just to keep me happy. I'd be upset they'd feel the need to please me/worry about upsetting me, and I would hate them to put their own feelings second to mine over their own wedding.

Edited just to add if you think your family will be upset and telling them beforehand would help then I think you should. Because if you're worrying about their reaction afterwards, will you truly enjoy it?

At the end of the day, you had YOUR wedding. This one is theirs.

I agree with almost all of your post @5foot5 . But I think this is unnecessary...
so whether or not the cool people on here say they wouldn't give a fig if their DC did this...

I'm not remotely cool. But I know my daughter, and I know that she and her partner would hate the stress of planning a big wedding, and don't like being the centre of attention. So me recognising that and saying that I'd be happy for them and would hide any tiny bit of disappointment, is not me 'being cool ', it's me loving my DD and recognising what's best for them.

Consequently I'm more concerned about what OP wants. And it doesn't seem to be what her partner is pushing for. She knows her parents, just as I know my daughter. So she's the only one who can make an informed choice.

It feels like you are eloping to avoid a big family gathering at least on your DH’s side which is fine but don’t tell that you are going to celebrate with them later. This promise sounds like some of this engagements which last tens of years…
I would be upset. What’s wrong with registry office and lunch afterwards and then going away to your honeymoon country?
If you got married on a spur of the moment - visited Vegas for fun and suddenly decided to get married, - I would be ok. But this plan of yours looks like you were deliberately planned not to include nearest and dearest and it would upset me as your Mum.

Good point.

His rather flippant "they'll get over it" smacks of someone rather self absorbed and not terribly caring. These are his inlaws that he'll have to get along with for hopefully a very long time!

His rather flippant "they'll get over it" smacks of someone rather self absorbed and not terribly caring. These are his inlaws that he'll have to get along with for hopefully a very long time!

Yep. He's showing previous little empathy or concern for anyone other than himself.

I wouldn't mind in the slightest. Both sides made our wedding all about them, and it was a really depressing day, although it's been a long and happy marriage. I've always told my children to do exactly what they want and include or not include anyone they want.
As it happens, out son is getting married this weekend. They were planning on doing it completely privately with just them and their children but decided at the last minute they would like both sets of parents there, so that's what we're doing.
I'm delighted to be going because that's what they want. I would have been equally delighted to have heard about it later if that's what they would have preferred. It wouldn't have occurred to me to feel that somehow my relationship with my son wasn't as good as I thought it was. All I would have thought was that he and his fiancée wanted to do things their own way.
For me, I know my son is happy, which makes me happy, and I'm getting a delightful daughter-in-law. What's not to like?

Why on earth would you assume that the only reason a parent would be upset was because they wanted to "swan about and show off"? How shallow do you think people are?

Personally I am more the shy, retiring type and found being the centre of attention at my own wedding a bit of an ordeal. If my DD chose a tiny wedding with no fuss I would still be delighted for her. But if she chose for us not to be there or even not to tell us then, yes, I would be hurt. Not because of any ridiculous desire to dress up and "swan about" but because of the implication that we were so unimportant in our DDs life that she didn't want to include us in such an important event.

Have a think about this OP.

I would be upset if my adult child got married and didn’t tell me until after it had happened.

One of my DBs got married without telling anyone until the following day. He didn't actually 'elope' - just went to the local registry office with 2 witnesses and to the pub for lunch afterwards. This was over 30 years ago! It didn't go down well with my DM, but my DF just shrugged and said, "It saved me having to buy your mother a new outfit".
When I got engaged about 3 years later, my DF jokingly said he'd give us £500 if we eloped! My DM replied " we've already had one wedding like that and we're not having another!" So I don't think she ever really forgave DB in her heart of hearts but she never actually showed that to them.

Depends what kind of relationship you have. My parents would have been upset but understood- I think they would have preferred to know beforehand though.
DH's parents probably wouldn't have been that bothered!
If it was my DDs I would be disappointed but wouldn't be annoyed if that's what they wanted

I would want to know first and would not have done this to our parents, extended family fine but not our parents

None of my business ultimately.

@marmaladeandpeanutbutter it's NOT about "swanning around" or "showing off" ffs jeez

Hard to say. I’d probably be a little sad that I’d missed it but beyond that, it’s fine. I’d have definitely eloped with hindsight, gone off to another country and just done it. I’m embarrassed about the ridiculous sum of money we spent on our wedding.

Mad? No.
A bit sad and disappointed? Yes, probably. But I’d not put that on them and would be supportive and happy.

we got married abroad and initially were planning on eloping but eventually decided we’d feel a bit sad so invited parents and siblings…. It ended up expanding to 19 people! Not our original plan but it was low key and fun.